has to be xxxx AND meaningful. can’t be either, must be both.

i bought a bottle, another one. i think i was just so surprised. and there it was up there in Superdrug on the shelf behind the counter, where i knew it was. top shelf, leftmost. i knew it was there, but then "oh look there it is," i tricked myself. 4 eyeliner pencils and the wavy girl.

anyway.

i'll dump it on everything before i leave, like kate moss did for the united states. like treasa did for parkas that would be left in the back of a taxi. taxi sped off before i got in, (bitter about it, but on reflection probably the driver said so) and that nice couple brings you in and sits you at their old hard wood table that must be older than their marriage. and they telephone your family, and the parka's never seen again. of course, you get a new one. Fred Perry, years later. you can tell by the look on Chuck's face that she isn't impressed. and that big fluffy hood that zipped right off. it could fit three of me now. was the blue bag in there too? and the bmo wallet in the outermost pocket. and not for the last time, an act like that. a purchase from fred perry "you disgust me" and then walk into the pond.

i never really understood it: the staring, the hollering, the hooting. but now i guess i see that certain shapes are like a piece of music. played well, played live, spontaneous. bones, i mean. silver in dusty charcoal. lying on the grass looking up at the sunflowers growing. how they are against the sky. it's real money, thousands in today's, and it'd be a wealthy titled lady wearing furs like that. not to mention the fentanyl. α-sentimentanyl. rhodochrosite, raspberry ripple, "an extraordinary mineral here to help you let go and release anguish, pain, and trauma weighing on your mind and heart". you could get taken apart, you could even take part!

yes. all mad. all sickness, hormones, dietary. indiana jones with the endocrine system, and the distribution of vitamins. and "i'm so sick of being strong, keeping on and keeping on" and nothing in this world makes you feel like that.

there's a thought i had yesterday that made me bawl with tears, and i have another one for oxytocin. it's safer to. in a way they're the same. like the speckled limestone is the violin. the way it plays with your brain. you could say that they... it could maybe explain... well if they ever make a medicine for the state of you i'll take it too. i'm bathed in sunshine: blood red, ice cold, dusky days. and there's no need, always, for all of it. i can zip right up, shut up, buckle up, giddy up.

but you, you little pint of collagen water shaken smooth in a metal bottle, you could accept your inconsistency. i mean, you can stop trying to know everything (or anything) about yourself. it's okay, that's what i'm trying to say.

life is long, it'll be here when you get back. you can let go. and, i hope i'm not speaking out of turn to say that you are spectacular and deserve to feel like they're so fucking lucky sometimes. all the time, really.

it’s kara’s birthday. happy birthday kara.

and: hello again, little one.

you know, you gotta learn to judge your own work the way you do other people’s. getting feedback is important, that’s part of it: true. but you gotta learn to sharpen your eye against your heart because that’s what your voice is.

yeah, you know. read it through, check where the feelings are. fix em up. nothing you don’t already know.

this weekend has been very zero. but before that, the start of the week, i missed my aeroplane. i ended up for a lil time still in berlin all by myself. it was nice. i got home sick. miss my girlies, miss my little life. but then i found myself at the gate. dimples at the gate. not this time, but thank you. and once again a metal tube, and once again a smaller tube capable of slow teleportation. “coffee? rarely. a cup every two to three weeks”. you remind me of someone. everything does.

and i’m smelling quite fascinating, and seemingly an article of interest worthy of inspection. pale, pink, crinkle cut. “semi-skimmed??? yeah! two semi-skimmed!! both of them!!!”. yes, yes. silent Y. every single little detail.it’s all [tktktk] right in (scratched but with intent, engraved? there’s a word with a pointed metal object looks like a mouse nose… it’s like that in my bones. like they’re signed or awarded to the top player.) and inside my chest, in the blood, the colour all diffuse like espresso over ice into milk (like marble) dark and stormy. and you’re like that. you have weather. sunny, stormy. and you warned me “sunny, stormy”. turbulence. the pool around the heart. suspended, kind of, (heart). everything is still except the “clonk clonk” machinery, the pipes, it’s like a ghibli. pictures and music. moving pictures. lights and cameras. danger, achtung, rumbling little wheels along the floor. roll zero, zero yaw, platform pitch and pierce aurora landing with an hour made up in air. and there’s nothing left to give! they’d know exactly who they aren’t, that’s not something i can do! and i can’t give up on myself, and i can’t let go of goo. i don’t think i’ve ever been home sick before. not that i can recall ever in my life. and i was so excited, in the airport, to be getting on a plane towards Heathrow.

and i got home and a dream where i was ███████ at ████‘s ███████ and i looked out the window down into the car and we ████ ███ ███████. i should have said something, but it was always the wrong time until it was too late. of course, Gil didn’t like watching the women’s tennis because of the sounds they make. and there’s the easyhotel old street, i stayed here after the breakup. all night drunk talking to nick, listening to cumbia. (peruvian.)

lmao remember that time sid called miss coulter a dozy cunt and got sent to the principal, and as he was leaving under protest he said it’s not even a fucking swear. nextistential fight or flightless birdy tap the window come on in your cracked up legs i know what’s next my box your nest you rest and nestle convalesce in darkness later acquiesce the window’s open i accept one day it’s empty no protest. from me, i mean. the window’s open. 2am. a spot right here. forgive the mess. barely had a moment, either coming in or going. but at 8am on monday, 5pm on tuesday, something happened beneath my bed and i’m not straight now (horizontal) je serais ton corneille

and this weekend has been very zero. at 7pm yesterday i finally left my bed after laying in one spot deathly hungry for a day. a couple came up to me outside spitalfields, told me that they warm to my energy, that i am a unicorn, that i’m sitting by myself on the wrong side of town. i got misgendered a lot and then i went home. it’s harrowing; we’re breaking up. that’s a soil joke. that’s a weather and gardening reference. then new things grow but the ecosystem is destroyed, think of all the worm holes. it’s a last resort. try planting a big long white radish first. today it’s Sunday, my big ambitions reach as far as Superdrug to buy the wavy hair conditioner (smells like passionfruit and coconuts) and maybe redye my hair and maybe i’ll veet my body til it’s dolphins, and repair my biome. need a week where i eat only what rabbits eat like lettuce, carrots, water, beets — sorry, thinking out loud.

oh i’m going to canada next month. like this:

🛫 -> calgary 🏩
🐯🫛 🦓 🧀 🍃 🏩
✈️ -> vancouver 🏩
🚣? 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰?
🚣? 🏩
✈️ -> ottowa 🚍 -> gatineau 🏩
🏩 + 👯‍♀️
👰‍♀️ + 🏩
🏩
🚘 -> montreal 🏩
🏩
🏩
🚍 -> kingston 🏩
🚍 -> toronto 🏩
🏩
🛬 -> london (real london, in england)

let me know if you want to hang out. especially on those days when i’m only in a love hotel or hospital towards the end of the month.

and … what else what else what

elsewhither

hello

it’s me

the same rabbit as before

first day, second day. it’s okay that you don’t just because i do, and it’s okay that you don’t, because i do. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.

lights off, machine talk, night space, pre-watch. not raedy, not ready, not ready, not ready. midnight, one-two. testing, want to. sleeping, waking, all day, working, round and round and round and round. and it’s good now, quick dips and repair on the go. bipedal repair kit.

get up there and tell them. they ought to know. little naughty animals. next year, next year, next year, next year. who knows. sometimes. scraps from the table. this land, your land. pickled blood. i’ve a reason. a little salt. and not just that, but every day. potassium.

everything down on paper. paper is plastic, acrylic and pens. i’ll keep standing up, i guess. everything down. does it help? there’s a lot of it. the next part matters too. that would help. fusion, vision, future, fission. not because of that, but independently in response to that. like end of winter. pickled blood. a little nitrate. leafy grebes. starling, shrike. murderous shrike, head on a spike. painting of a warbler impaled on a thorn by an iberian shrike in the winter.

“whose side are you fucking on”

“oh my god i am so sorry”

don’t you apologize to this man, tell him he’s a cunt, tell keith he’s a cunt!

✅ highlight mentions

✅ highlight moments

✅ highlight breakfasts

radiate. or, i guess, emanate. waves. light, pouring out. rippling through. glow, shiver. doing okay? good, thanks. everything out on the table. does it help? there’s a lot of it. the next part matters too, it could help. nobody wants it? i’m partially undone. take it slow. break for lunch. queens. space. good thing. close up shop. nap time. dinner, trapped. happy. glad to be. share a secret, just a moment. building tension, walking bass. blood like apricots. washing faces, locked in place, softer, weaker, seventh seal or those are only there to make you feel better. have you seen this bird? that’s… a… cocktail tastes like popcorn paste the sun sets orange misty dark and hazy lilac crescent moon and darkened windows leaning back like overground and lower stakes and higher spirits churches basements jazz piano. and, it’s the fortnight after one piece torn and red and yellow tearing. string lightly held between the teeth. but not that, eactly. just, “tss-ts ts-tss-ts ts-tss-ts ts-tss-ts”, snare drum rattling, cow bell. i mean, it’s the story, all these strands over and over. that’s how, is what i mean. yes, just like that with leaves and trees. just like that. each one is all the other ones.

rar, but did i remember to write it down? thank god for the morning. and all those little parts. red september, red october. and, like we always do. and, the cheese. plenty of times. i didn’t mean it to be that way, all one register. we’ll work on that. i mean that i will. i mean, not exactly. i wasn’t on the plane when the plane went in the sky. but thank god for in the morning.

and the notebook making station. and that little corner where the memories come from. and es, the whole thing has been for three quarters of a year. nearly a ear. i feel a tickle in my chest and i sneezed twice. i’m out of estrogen. i’ll be home later in the week. maybe my lungs are tired from cigarettes.

but especially… there’s something there in the space between.

sorry if there’s anything missing.

okay.

what’s the next part? when did i fly?

on friday.

what week was it? monday, tuesday, wednesday. oh i remember i went to ilana’s workshop with agnes and bea and mimi and felt so lucky to be with all these incredibly cool smart funny women, and these strange machines.

and, then me and agnes went to termite and i met sam spike. spittle of the moon, milk of the fig, and then home to where my phone and glasses would be.

on Thursday i held a little baby. thought of all the pain and joy in this little animal’s future and right now with just small feet and tiny claws and alarmed to be born. AND i dropped my laptop down a concrete staircase cutting home through the Barbie.

and then i got up, and got on a plane with mimi. and then there was berlin. and there is a lot of busy. and i’m in a terrible mood because i’m being misgendered and having a terrible skin day and also another thing with july. but i’ll get through this month.

and then me and simon legg went to watch my match and i near but lost my voice singing vindaloo surrounded by norweigens.

several other important and beautiful things happened but i’m late and too busy to write.

awright gal, love ya.

oh my god i forgot to write

five years! every sunday! what happened!

i’m in a Littlebook Fugue State. though it has a strange new property that several people would be astonished to learn about. the state, i mean. has a property, i mean. in that it is second. it’s after.

i did this thing a couple of weeks ago. slept. maybe again i’ll do it. last week? no idea. was that when i went to see agnes with mimi? that might have been this week or a fortnight ago. last week… last week…

okay, so. last week.

oh yeah it WAS, at the CCI. and there were some important conversations and… i’m really burned out right now. but i’m going to berlin in a couple of days. i have to see several people tomorrow and write several pieces of software. i need to sleep too. on sunday i’ll tell you about this week, which was very cool but exhausting.

things are really good, in the way that matters. we’ll get through this month, and then i have to get on a plane. and also last week i went to river’s thing! at granola! and it was really good! a lovely evening, and i met a nice bunny. and May was there! and it was lovely, that was lovely. did i tell you about the farm? i probably told you about the farm. when was that?

and then…

and then…

things are really good, in the one way that matters. and then did i ever tell you about that imaginary hotel room and the bad water? and what no one else will? i tried to sign up to an app the next day. got asked a question that answered several others. not until yesterday, no. not until yesterday. yes, yes. and that park? feels so strange with no one in it. but it’s only been twice? for like 5 mins. spent years. years spent. three times, sorry. and i keep seeing seagulls eating dead pigeons in the scorching hot sun. and

but…

anyway i’ll see you in too few days. this is the month of making it through. then comes the month of juggling two. the comes stable. then comes sunshine, lovers and sharp sight.

yes. thank you!

ummm…

yesterday, May and I overheard a girl on the phone say “imagine that: pushing someone in a new sexual direction just because she can’t direct the MI5”

she also said, in that same call, “And the robot’s like ‘wa?’. Because I teach the robot. The robot doesn’t teach me.”

she also said very many specific phrases directly after we did, fitted into the conversation naturally. it was very unusual. the conversation she was having was the opposite of a bob newhart routine.

today i’m sitting in a first class carriage next to bertie wooster. what-ho. straw hat. off to Lewes or Ore for some kind of luncheon. surprised by the HP laptop but everything else fits.

me, i’m going to Cooksbridge. to a farm. mostly radishes i presume but who knows.

what else of the week? oh we did an FoC in the very hot heat. i emcee’d. i did okay. i think i could do it again and be good at it. on a week where i slept more than 2 hours a night and a day where i ate more than 2 boiled eggs and the temperature is below 400 degrees and i’ve socialized during the week. i have missed being on stage. it’s different sober. sober and paying too much attention.

---

and time has passed. and i have eat many strange little pickles. and jenny gave me water with flowers in it.

---

and now it’s time for bed forever and ever.

and to watch the bear and forgive everybody.