I have eaten so much fucking baking powder this week.

Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy.

In toilets; in a field; in an airport; in the disused stairwell of a defunct railway station. How they rip you off in Lisbon is not the way they rip you off in London. They aren’t comfortable stealing from you. They need you to agree to it. They’ll ask you if you want ketamine, take you down an alley and give you a bump of something that’s 10% speed, 20% novocaine, mostly baking powder. Even in reputable businesses they’ll give you a shot of tequila and then charge you 10 euros and say “it’s a special tequila.”. They’re happy to walk away if you don’t want it. It’s a city of grifters. They need you to agree to to it. They won’t steal from you. They won’t rip you off unless you prove you are a sucker, a mark. Do not give a sucker an even break.

It's kind of shaken my constitution, though. My faith in myself, and my ability to judge a nice and honest person. One dude at the airport added me on Facebook and then tried to sell me baking powder for 80 euros claiming it was Ket. I'm looking at pictures of him eating hot dogs with his kids and he's trying to sell me baking soda. My only conclusion is that they don't take drugs, and so they don't understand how one white powder is different from another, and that they therefore are able to rationalize that they're doing you a favour.

See, ketamine is very specific. It has crystalline tree-like structures. It looks like that. It sparkles. Mixed with aloe vera you can use it as facial glitter. It's a very specific thing. A bump of it does not bring you up, it brings you through. There is nothing on this world that feels like it. Rit-it-it-it-it-it. Nothing. The geometry, the sacred temple, it's very peculiar, very unique, the other side of the room.

After getting off the plane nothing particularly interesting happened. I have several paragraphs of nots here from those first few days but honestly they are so dark and ridiculous there is no point sharing them. Sometimes when you haven't slept properly or eaten at all your nerves are shattered and everything comes through past some filter of doom and desperation. Right now I'm sitting on this ark, ark beach. Completely navy. All the lights off the festival are off to the right, it's far, it's near. The people around me are gentle, but wild, but happy. I'm so far away from the anxiety that riddled me in the unslept of the airport and the city.

That first night I ended up sleeping in the airport because people kept staring at me and it creeped me out. Felt like I shouldn't walk around at night alone. The next day I stayed in this adorable hotel, have a crush on everyone there, great day. Sat on a lawn, napped on a lawn, drank tequila and Super Bock (Super Bock is the only beer that exists in Lisbon, except for knock-off Super Bock), and when I got into my room and I touched the bed I slept for 10 hours before I noticed.

There's nothing really of note in Lisbon except I spent 80 euros on make-up and I stopped in the stairwell beyond the main mall, there were some men with some instruments. I was trying to understand their sound without hearing it. An electric guitar through pedals, a pixiephone, an acoustic guitar, a drumming cube, and a flute. One of the men told me he sings. Then it started to come together. I asked if I could play their guitar. I played a few songs, sang in the stairwell. The melodica man played along. We played good together. Is there a word for the nostalgia of the life unled?

Got super drunk on tequila in my next hotel room, raided the minibar. Talked to a couple bartenders who told me "if you want to move to Lisbon: learn English", which I did not take personally. Dudes kept half-sprinting across the squares in Lisbon to ask me if I wanted drugs. I was all "¿why me?" until I started seeing people arrive with neon hair and spiral tattoos and clocked that it's just super easy to spot when someone's going to boom lol. Did a magic(k)al ritual overlooking all the buildings from up on high.

Next night, stayed up all night. I got the boom bus. I stressed Polly out a lot by being a mess and dropping everything i owned over and over. If you’re the kind of person that naturally wants to take care of people i can be hard to be around because I don’t care if live or die, I don't mind if I lose all my stuff and then my life. Especially when i'm drunk i'm so cuckoo.  I slept most of the bus while needing to pee. The heat when we got out to get our tickets was a solid object.

I arrive at Boom festival. So dehydrated, so confused. So lucky Ciara came. Saved my life. And she put up my hammock for me too. Fuckin' love her. Stunning. Would be dead on the side of a hill right now without her i think, because i lay down there a long while slowly drying before she called me over.

First morning of Boom I had a cherished beach morning with Polly. We had a lovely chat about what we want from Boom. I don't know what I want. She has an idea. She goes in the water and I try moving her hopes forward with a little ritual.

I head for some food. Ruxi and Christian arrive at the campsite. They ask me to wait by the area they are putting their tent up. I improvise a little barrier ritual. Works well enough. They get set up. We go and meet Ciara in the central plaza by the charger. Christian and Ruxi draw on each other with my white marker. Everything is staccato, but it's exciting, eventually there will so much. We go to The Gardens to watch Kaya Project. Had a little ket off Fenn. "Well, well, well... this is not baking powder".

When everyone goes to bed I go to the cocktail bar and meeting Kevin who tells me he once took some of Jefferson Airplane's personal stash of frozen acid. He dropped a little acid on my hand (not Jefferson Airplane's) and I licked it off. Mathilda and I went through The Door of Light together and peed in the lake separately. I lost them dating in The Gardens, went back to ma hammock.

Next day I got up about 9am. Still tripping. Got some food (arancini). On my way back to my hammock, just I was starting to feel normal again i walked past 6 dudes dressed in business suits with cowbells around their necks being herded by an old farmer with a stick. They broke out into a synchronized briefcase exchange dance.

Kept bumping into Becky Avery and Beth. Always a delight. Absolute pair of dreams those two. Nothing more to say right now. Huge fan.

I was sitting in central plaza about to cry again. Emily⛈️ stomped up shouting "CHEE rrrRA-BBITS". I am a huge Emily⛈️ fan, don't know if you know that about me. Very fun, very excited, very split-focus. When there is something on her todo list there is nothing else in the world.

People betray their deepest thoughts with meaningful pauses between words. Picking up on those, and guessing what they mean, that makes people feel like you understand them deeply, Even if it’s only a shallow understanding of them and a general knowledge of character.

Emily⛈️ is really nice to be around. Empathetic, thoughtful, patient, excited and vibrant with the promise of life. Also sometimes when she yawns she spits like a snake. Tss tss. Right out the mouth in two sharp streams.

We’re getting fucked up on Red Bulls together in the drug-testing line. We waited there for hours, four hours, waiting to hear the number 313 (the drug testing system works like a deli counter) so we could find out if this €40 bag of €60 ketamine was ketamine. I tasted a little of it, and it was definitely drugs, but it didn’t taste like ketamine, it didn’t look like ketamine. It was crystals, but not shiny or crystalline, no tree formations. but it didn’t clump like baking soda, and it was definitely not just numbing agent. But it did numb my tongue, and my whole mouth. Nothing really does that that i know except cocaine and the stuff they use to stamp on cocaine.

We had a lovely, funny, chill time. Good conversation. We made a little promise to ourselves and each other that we wouldn't take MDMA this festival. We kept checking in with each other to know if the other wanted to do something else other than sit there talking. We never did.

The only sure thing was Hilight Tribe at Dance Temple at six. That was the only sure thing for a lot of people. It was the only sure thing for Ciara, Ruxandra, Christian, becky Avery, Beth, Emily⛈️, chee, and a other people who I met who had one sure thing.

I was doing a sober day. Tired, confused, sticky, messy, lonely, got stones in my boots, and feeling a lot like i woke up tripping after four hours of very light sleep. This is another festival where i find myself walking away from everyone to accept i’ll always be alone, that i’m a loner, that i will always be alone. i don’t know if it’s true, but i do keep accepting it which might be meaningful in someway... i guess.

Emily⛈️ went to get changed, i looked after The Number. I went to get changed, emily⛈️ passed the maybemine to kosmicare and read some of my blog and when I got back she complimented my writing and this is my writing right now and she's actually reading it right now after it was written tomorrow and is it still good writing am I wriiting good now emily⛈️?

Kosmicare needs 3 hours after our deli ticket to test the drug and tell us if it's baking powder, rat poison or Ketamine.

Headed to the dance temple to see Hilite Tribe. It was incredible. Turns out at this point it's everyone’s one sure thing. The whole festival there. Super-duper thick throng. I understand for some there is a thrill to the throng but for me the throng just feels wrong. Saw Ruxi briefly as she disappeared into the depths of it. Too much for me; I couldn't follow her. But, I loved it from the peripheries with Em⛈️. Met up with Fenn from last night. Found Ciara. Had a chat. Got some of the rocks out of my shoes. Had a little panic when the throng started closing in on me and emily⛈️ took me somewhere safe. Sat with Fenn and Em⛈️ by the big face that emerges from the ground between the temple and the beach. Bought two tacos. Gave emily⛈️ a taco. Got the ketamine results back from Kosmicare. Went through an archway. Took emily⛈️ through the same bright light doorway i’d passed through last night with Kevin and Mathilda, now i’d passed through the arch both ways and she’d passed through once and i’d passed through the light door we were finally on the same side. we sat down on the rocks at the darkest part of the beach and talked for another hour. we spent so much time walking around together her iPhone warned her thet my Airpods were traveling with her.

The "ketamine", by the way, turned out not to be ketamine. It also wasn't baking soda. It wasn't rat poison. This is how Emily⛈️ delivered the info, just like that:

"So.... it isn't ketamine.... it also isn't baking soda... it also isn't rat poison...". What was it? That's right, 90% pure MDMA. ??? what ??? ¿¿¿I don't idk???

Emily⛈️ went to bed. I went to the gardens to meet ruxi and ciara and christian but couldn’t find anyone. i’d made it through my sober day. I felt so isolated. I guess I felt excited too.

Saturday i didn’t get up until like 11. that’s like 10 hours sleep. Sobriety is exhausting. Never again. Somebody called me a niche fuck. I felt amazing. Had gazpacho for breakfast. You gotta let it sit against those back parts of your tongue on the left and right to let your body know it’s coming and get ready to make full use of it. That's what the tongue is for, I think? To get the body ready to use the nyoots.

Back to hammock. Ems had no data. Ruxi and Christian suddenly beside me. Walked with them, no shoes, to the beach, to the lake, we got wet together, we ate ketamine. I abandoned the workshop at the last minute to go to the cocktail bar. Ruxi started journalling :).

How to walk barefoot on hostile earth:

1. To misquote the 1962 British biographical epic Lawrence Of Arabia, "the trick, my dear, is not minding that it hurts'

2. Develop a huge crush on Mother Earth so when she stabs and burns you you can be like "oh my! madam! we have company!" an blush instead of being in pain

3. Sing a karmic chant like that one off the OB-4 demo

I learned that I treat naked people different. I don't know in what way I do... but, I guess I do. Tell you how I found out: sometimes in the lake you meet people, have a full length chat with them and then later when you leave the lake you learn they were stark naked. It can be a surprise. a strange kind, where it’s in no way an issue. you’re just surprised that you… were chatting to like them like they were wearing clothes, but they weren’t. you’ll learn you talk to naked people differently, and that’s the surprise. an internal surprise, not an external surprise.

^--- note to editor: please kill this entire paragraph?

Saturday night was something I don't have permission or skill to explain. I'll likely not understand it until much later in my life. Maybe several years after I've died. But there were French girls. And if the morning me and Emily hung out and saw Astral Projection live and the we hung out some more and got drunk and that's basically it. She's dancing with Beth and becky avery right now in The Garden and I'm not because I'm writing this fucking blog. I'm going to stop writing it now so I can go where I belong, a k-hole at the chill-out stage.