This is probably going to be a long one. It should be, anyway. Let’s see. It’s lucky i’m cute because i am so stupid.

a ver.

i don’t know about the week, pero on friday i was feeling lousy and ugly and bloated and so i went for a walk. the walk was fine, but i felt so ugly and yucky and grosss and so i jumped on a random train, the next one pulling into the station. it was a cannon st. i got out and went towards the seahorse. i had one drink there and then i needed to pee, and not feeling confident enough to use the gendered bathroom so i went to work and peed there. i didn’t have my pass with me so it took a little sweet talking to get in.

despues i walked out and let the night take me. every toime a light turned green i crossed the road. it wasn’t too many roads later that i spotted someone pouring an entire bottle of red wine into a half-empty bottle of pepsi max. i shouted “kalimotxo!” and he asked if i’d like to meet 200 people. I followed him to the pavilion while he explained he was at a cultural meetup at the Tate Modern with 200 people that was organized by a guy who owns a bar and that after these cultural meetups people go to the bar he owns to buy drinks. clever. when i had stepped outside to have a cigarette i had a short chat with an older man in spanish, which was exciting for me. su esposa es colombiana pero vive en londres, tiene dos hijas pero ambas viven en california. at the end of the night there was david, oxana, louise, a guy who looked like tom cruise called Val, and me. they wanted more night. i brought them to the seahorse. there was karaoke. i sang where is my mind by the pixies. i killed it. we danced, we sang. i met some other people who brought me to popworld, but things got super weird and confusing. though a nice italian girl called ilaria drew a heart on my face with permanent marker. but yeah, they all fell out with each other or something weird and then they left.

after popworld i purchased a bottle of patron and walked across london bridge. i stood in the very middle of the bridge listening to snow tha product at the top volume of my ob-4 speaker, pouring myself shots. once i carried on down the road past the bus stop i put an order in for a taxicab, but then i met un grupo de hombres colombianos and stopped to chat with them in spanish. they did not speak much english, and of course i only have so much spanish. it was a lot of fun chatting to them. both parties at the limits of our knowledge of the other language, finding new ways to communicate and staring right in the eyes to confirm the meaning was getting across. i spent an hour with them drinking patron en la calle.

after that i woke up in lawn chair in borough market. i didn’t know borough market had lawn chairs until i woke up in one. it was time for breakfast, and so i went to padre for tacos. yo compre tres tacos al pastor and wet upstairs on the bleachers to eat them. they had real mexican limes.the meat is not slow cooked, like al pastor should be, but it was very very tasty. it was at this moment my telephone chose to produce for me a video slideshow of my time in mexico last year. sofia looked so happy, i looked so happy, we were both so happy. i started crying, very very messy crying. very ugly. i learned that if you are crying your eyes out in public that very nice girls will come over and ask if you need anything. girls rule. i explained to each girl that i was just at that moment processing a 3 month ago breakup because of the tacos. i didn’t need anything, thank you lila and biker chic girl. once i’d finished crying i went to la farmacia a comprar some new eyeliner because i had cried all my eyeliner off. walking through borough market reapplying my eyeliner without a mirror i thought actually do need something. a makeup mirror. i stopped by at one of the cheese retailers to consider at length which would be the largest cheese i could fit in my mouth at once. a nice american lady named Jewel filmed me purchasing a very large £7 cheese and trying to fit it in. i nearly choked. my fingers still smell like cheese. it was quite nice cheese. i had a chorizo sandwich from brindisa. i went to the market porter. i defended catholicism to a protestant boyfriend of a catholic girl. a lot of my memories of the day are missing. i was kissed on the lips by an argentinian trans girl at the empanadas stand. eventually i met a nice pair of girls called claire and meg in the market porter and we talked for hours about dogs and life. it was time to go home. i went to the new cross inn. i helped a man understand what being trans means. eventually he tried to support me and help me get home and told me that he was going to be there for me. i did not appreciate it and i asked him to leave me alone, he became forceful and i grabbed him by the hair and pushed him away. i was ejected from the new cross inn. outside there was a very cute couple who brought me for pizza and fish burgers. they were adamant we would see eachother again but we never will. it’s one of the best things about london. you will never see anyone again. you can go out and make hundreds of mistakes, build and burn a thousand bridges, and then tomorrow you will wake up and there will be a thousand more. it’s one of the worst things about london. it’s lonely. it’s why i’ll never leave.

i woke up a few hours later walking, i don’t remember starting to walk. i don’t remember losing my phone. all i had was a loaf of bread, a bag of coffee beans, and an aluminium saucepan. i walked from new cross to blackheath. i took a lot of wrong turnsl it took hours. i am home now, hundreds of pounds poorer and without a phone. i’ve been talking to a nice weirdo from tinder on telegram but i think i shared too much of myself and it is over now. walking home i kept repeating to myself “necesito volver a mexico”. maybe it’s true. i was happy in mexico. yo era feliz.

data is fake

Twenty-twenty-three is kinda slow for a modern year, isn’t it? That’s nice. We should do something. We could have another Meeting. Or a picnic. I’d like to have a picnic. I’d like to get one of those cute picnic baskets they sell at Selfridge’s.

On Thursday night I went out for dinner with becky avery at Naïfs in Peckham. It’s a lovely little restaurant with great food, Ocho tequila and cute, fun staff on an otherwise residential road remarkably close to that alley I spent an evening in smoking crack with two homeless ladies in the inconstant summer of ’21. We went to Fox & Firkin afterward to watch some synthpop which started very well but each act was less convincing than the last and it was no more than 10pm when it was already bedtime. My every day thereafter has been better because I had such a nice time eating ruffage and talking silly with becky avery.

Other than that this week I’ve played the Zelda and watched TV constantly to mollify the relentless chatter of regret and worthlessness. I slept all day Sunday. I had good dreams.

went out on tueday night to my favourite bar in lewisham the fox & firkin. i realized i was comfortable there so i went home and changed into a dress which was my first time wearing a dress with no leggings or sweatpants underneath in london. then i made friends with the staff there and after it closed we went to do karaoke at the new cross inn until 3am. it was a good time.

i find myself suddenly saying aloud “i hate myself” or “i wish i was dead” quite a lot at the moment. i’ve spent much of the week trying to come up with reasons to continue living and failing. i literally have googled “reasons to live” and read some lists, none of them are particularly compelling i think the thing that keeps me going is the the fear of an afterlife.

i got sick on friday and watched all the karate kid movies and played zelda. what happened to the fish girl from breath of the wild? did she survive? i can’t remember. i hope she did, i miss the fish girl.

maybe i’ll think about going to italy. the land of espresso, spaghetti, SEBs and cured meat. maybe that is something to focus on. maybe that is a reason. oh that reminds me i made a little café con leche and have lost it somewhere in my apartment.

i can’t believe i’m still sick. i noticed something respiratory going on with it late last evening. might be worse than i thought when i thought it might be hayfever.

#NATSTATWEEK It’s national stationery week next week. should we go and buy some pencils? perhaps some pens? some midori paper? some binders? some rulers? some cases? some scissors?

I went to the cinema on Tuesday evening to watch How To Blow Up A Pipeline (2022). Good movie with a solid argument for how and why you should blow up an oil pipeline as a matter of self-defence on behalf of the human race against oil companies. Rating: 🐰🐰🐰🐰 4 rabbits.

On Wednesday I went back to the cinema to watch Aliens (1986). Was fun to see in the cinema. I wish there was not a character called J. VAZQUEZ whose name is printed in friendly white letters on bottom right hand corner of many shots. One of James Cameron’s top twenty movies about motherhood. Fun to see it on The Big Screen. Rating: 🐰🐰🛸 2 rabbits and a UFO.

Next weekend I will finally be in Leeds. I’m going up for a conference but staying for the weekend. That’s next weekend. This weekend I am playing Final Fantasy 6, watching movies, and making snacks. And tidying my apartment and getting all my clothes washed before my great peregrination by railroad beyond civilization far north above the Thames. I’m meant to be coming back on Sunday but the Leeds Everyman is screening Clueless on Sunday night so I might have to wait until Monday. Are there trains from Leeds to London during a coronation?

Silence, knave! You stand in the presence of octopus royalty!

I took 34 black and white photos on a cheap point-and-shoot film camera but the film snapped while I was rewinding it so they are forever gone. It’s a shame. We will try again.

Nothing else to report. It’s time to put on a little moka pot of mocha-java and see where the day takes me.

Happy International Workers’ Day.


This was around the time the high blood sugar started to become a problem


Shortly after that update things got worse, all my muscles tightened up and I could barely move! But it turned out my blood sugar wasn’t even very high. It seems I was afflicted with food poisoning or some kind of terrible virus. I have never pooped so much in my life. I went through 4 rolls of toilet paper. Nearly one a day. Have you ever pooped until your ears started ringing? I have! This was a disgusting, exhausting week. Couldn’t hold any food down, drank a hundred thousand litres of water.

Figure 1: my new hobby is replacing Graham Coxon with Henry Kissinger in old band photos of Blur

I feel great today, though. Really good. Full of water and life and Springtime energy. On Saturday morning at 6am i was preheating my oven to cook some early morning buffalo wings. After about 20 minutes I started to notice a strange smell. When I opened the oven to check, a big plume of hot plastic-y smoke came billowing out of it. My whole kitchen was filled with a terrible poisonous fog and I was choking. If I opened the oven slightly another huge fog came flying out. It made me feel very alone. I thought about how girls in TV shows would call their mother or their best friend for adive and they’d freak out together over the telephone. I don’t have anyone to call when I have an emergency, or need to talk about something. This isn’t a self-pity party, I’m okay with it. It’s sad, but I’m okay with it. I chose this life. I had other options, I liked them less. It turned out to be your basic grease fire, and I did a deep clean of the oven. I started with some homemade cleaning concoctions but they only succeeded in turning black tar into brown tar, so i think i was just agitating air into the tar rather than cleaning it. I got some kind of Chemical that came with gloves and a bag and a lot of warnings. It came with an instruction leaflet whose first instruction was “read the instruction leaflet”.


That Severe Alert on the telephone was unpleasant, wasn’t it? Very large noise. Very unpleasant. I still feel shaken. I very nearly cried. My hormones are all over the place atm and I have been crying quite easily. I love being in the easy-to-tears state. I love being in that place where i could be looking at a statue and imagine that it is proud and start crying. Feels great.

I’m glad the Spring has finally come. Winter was hard.

A person should always seek to remove more pain from this world than they introduce. I broke that rule last week being selfish, so now I’m back to drinking nothing stronger than buttermilk.

Spent the week watching Gilmore Girls and thinking about my friends. I also started making a piece of music that I’m pretty pleased with so far. I’ll attach a demo of it to this post.

field disturbance

On Friday night i dressed up in my cutest cherry jumper and red patchwork dress and went out to Fox & Firkin to meet some friends I haven’t seen in a while. I was sober, drinking water. They were on MDMA. They were very friendly and complimentary about my cherry outfit. I met some people I hadn’t met before, and they were exceedingly lovely too.

On Saturday I spent the whole day curled up on the sofa playing video games and watching TV. A lovely way to spend a day. Unfortunately at the end of the day I decided it would be a good idea to order myself a pizza. I did not enjoy the pizza, and it spiked my blood sugar a crazy amount. On Sunday I quite, quite foolishly compounded the problem by adding tacos to my body. The tacos were delicious. Really good.

For some completely unknown reason I’d agreed to attend a drum circle in the woods on Sunday night. I’d stayed up incredibly late, woken up early, drank a cup of coffee and then had an unintentional nap. I woke up late. I’d already worn my cutest outfit on Friday, and all my other clothes were dirty. I picked a new outfit and threw it into the machine. I jumped in the shower. I started getting my face ready. Beck Avery text me to ask if I wanted to meet her at a bar right next to the drum circle. This was around the time the high blood sugar started to become a problem. There I am, fuzzy headed, half-naked, face done, hair up, bra on, sitting on the floor in front of the washing machine watching it spin spin spin like the hands of the clock and my feet and hands are tingling with peripheral neuropathy.

Eventually I made it out the door (though my outfit was incomplete because i messed up and didn’t put my pink velour sweatpants in there). I took a bus that went all the way from here to there. It’s a cute place, never been there before. I met Becky Avery and we had a fun chat, though my eyes and brain were boiling in their own sugar and I was getting very shivery and fluish. I had to cancel on the drum circle, but I waited on a wall until the people I had promised I’d attend showed up so i could tell them i love them and say hello and goodbye.

It’s unlikely i’ll be able to work tomorrow, i’m cooking all my organs into a hot sweet goulash. I’ll need to do some very fast exercise and take some kind of medication that can lower the blood sugar and reduce pain. Así es la vida.