itās been a long time since Iāve felt intense sadness in my chest all the time like this. itās really fucking annoying
3 years of stability and union, after a life time of lonely chaos, I am not ready to return but I am powerless to stop it
heād visited a freecycle userās porch and picked up two large cardboard boxes for us. one was branded for ethical toilet paper, the other said āold world new world out of this worldā
when heād got back I was sitting on a bench, crying, feeling hectic, holding it in, texting people about it. I had my hair pulled back hoping the sun would repair the large white and pink stripe it left on my face the day before. we went inside. I couldnt take it, I left again.
we went through some drawers and binned some things. I cried when I found the pink Gameboy Iād given him the day we met.
I jogged with him to Peckham Rye station
I donāt think Iāve ever jogged before
we had coffee and lunch at a little table in the sunken garden by One New Change
I was sick and I went to a meeting and he went to an exercise class for gays and did high intensity interval training
we got caught in the rain, he wrapped his brown hoody around his backpack and we went to Oxford St so he could get new exercise shorts
we hid in a secret Costa upstairs of Oxford Street Next and had flat white and espresso con panna. iād ordered an iced flat white, and they made me a hot one. i sucked it up
we went to Wagamama and had rice noodle āramenā and ānaked katsuā (two foods whose names contain a lie) and non-gluten prawn lollipop
it was a wild wet day in the end, we walked all over Oxford Street and Queen Victoria Street and took northern and bakerloo
I was sick and sweating and feeling physically drained
he got me a skipping rope and I skipped in the park with other people around
blood sugar 5.7
Tuesday
was sick but went in for a meeting again.
so much anxiety, so irritated by it. have stuff to do.
stayed in a hotel Tue and Wed.
itās one of the smallest rooms Iāve stayed in. maybe smaller even than the tiny place in Paris where I suffered an ear infection, with the blood black wax. that place had a desk, so seems bigger in my memory. but it also had a slanted roof, so maybe smaller by volume
room 120. easyHotel. feel so sick. choked on a chicken satay stick
had a 4 hour chat on the phone with Simon Legg about love, law and loss. and the JFK assassination
lay on my back and listened to Conga Y Timbal by Los YagarĆŗ
what will happen?
Wednesday
I woke up and i regretted it immediately
had a dream I shaved my head down the middle (it was patchy, looked like Danny DeVito), was replacing someoneās wireless electronics Iād secretly installed in the bush for their dogs with a single long German wire. it was at Harmony Drive, the corner of Harmony Hill. I was meant to call Abe to talk. long dream. Philadelphia Cheese was called Partido in Spain , or maybe Kraft was called Partido.
I slept on my hand with my wrist bent all the way back and woke up In pain. do that a lot
feeling needy
spending the day alone to give him time and space to think
in the dream a stranger offered me a hug because Iād stopped in the street and was staring at them, I thought I was staring in the middle distance but when I looked more closely at them I realised they were right
a new firmware was released for the op-1. it fixes all the crackle and pop.
drank several beers and a couple of litres of kalimotxo
Thursday
hello! good morning. i woke up and drank a quarter of a bottle of kalimotxo.
I canāt enjoy music and if I turn off podcasts (which Iām not really even listening to) for more than a few minutes then I become consumed by own feelings
I have to force myself to eat every mealtime because even though food seems impossible to face I know it will get worse if I donāt
im still sick too.
trying to maintain a blood alcohol level just over that which would make it illegal to drive
i thought we had more time
listened to Youāre Not Alone by Andrew WK on repeat and cried in the park. a dog came over
i text and asked if we could have a āchill nightā. Abe came home and we played fortnite
Iām trying to be normal but Iām so awkward
Friday
We had a nice breakfast (overnight oats (or cold brew porridge as karaās partner correctly calls it)) with chopped cherries and yoghurt
We got a iced coffee from the general store and sat in holly hedges and had a morning chat
Iām so awkward
feeling better, went into the office to work
had a prawn cocktail and a Manhattan for lunch in Harryās Bar
the cutlery was really heavy
I was surrounded by bankers
there are four kinds of men at Harryās. bankers, ex-bankers, budget Hemingways and trans boys
met Abe in the Whitechapel gallery after work, then we sat in the grass. I donāt know how things are
we went to Nandoās for dinner. walked by the river down by the Tate
fell into a weird sleep
Saturday
I donāt remember the morning. it was so hot. I think I drank some kalimotxo.
went to the park near Nisa Local to read and make music. Iām working on a good one. a dog came over and we gave it water from our bottles.
later on I went to a housewarming pool party in the back garden. I met some neighbours for the first time. they were all very nice.
later (1am) I met some people in the park who were having their monthly park bench wine party. they were very nice too.
Sunday
hungover
hot
at night we lay on the grass and looked at the stars