prime feat

I’ve traced many of my problems back to a single prime fear: a fear of being made fun of, being wrong, being corrected; a fear of being tricked, being cheated on, being thought to be doing something embarrassing; a fear of getting caught thinking things are one way when they are another. Hard to exactly describe. It’s all of these, but there’s something else I can’t quite get my fingers around at its core. It’s the root of my anxiety, the root of my co-dependence.

What I figure though is, because they are all forms of one another, that could be helpful. Quite lucky in a way. Because hopefully if I work on one of its manifestations it will help with all of them, and make it easier to work on the others.

For instance, this evening I went to a pub. I got a pint of beer, and went to find somewhere to sit down. I wanted to sit in a booth seat, and I felt the distinct feeling:

1. I don’t know if I’m allowed to sit here
2. Maybe it is rude to sit here when it’s only me and this is a table that could sit 4 people

I felt the distinct feeling, “i should just not”. But this time I paused and addressed myself inside my head, and I said:

“Well, I probably am allowed to sit here (because it’s just a seat?). And it’s probably fine because the pub is not that busy. But also if I’m not allowed to sit here, the repercussions are that somebody will come and say something, and that is something I can handle”. I pushed through, and sat down in the booth.

Afterwards I went to the shop across the road and I was browsing the incense. I wanted to buy the one called “Opium” and I felt that distinct feeling, “maybe this is an embarrassing incense to buy because it is called ‘Opium’”.

I think I do this all the time? tiny little regulations by fear. I don’t even notice them. But it was on my mind, having had some success at the booth. My apartment smells really nice now.

A fortnight ago I attended a reggae night with some people I’d met at a rave. Towards the end of the evening I was sitting on a sofa in a dark alcove smoking a cigarette with a guy I’d met about 24 sleepless hours earlier, and he said to me “you doubt yourself too much”. Every day since I’ve thought about that. At first like “no i don’t”, but now I see he really fucking nailed it. I should buy him flowers.