last sunday i recorded a song about owning a shiny 1st edition charizard then went to get my aiaiai headphones back from the NYE house.

everyone i spoke to seemed to have a hard Monday. i recorded another song. CORN is coming along well.

I went out on Tuesday evening and met some people from work for the first time, and some for the last time. the ones i'd only ever known through hangouts were not as tall as i expected. I got a call from Christabel and said "i have to take this" and then unexpectedly "it's the most important person in my life".

On Wednesday I dyed my hair black for my Kristen Pfaff costume for Christabel's birthday party. I gave myself bangs with the kitchen scissors. Plucked my eyebrows and waxed them for the first time in my life. I practiced grunge make-up so i could check what it looked like once i slept in it.

I remember that Thursday was a strangely dark, dark day. some good things came out of it. but it was one of the darkest saddest days of the year. i was almost scared.

On Friday evening i had a really long bath of epsom salts and foaming bubble bath then after that, to really carefully did my makeup with primer and smokey waterproof and soft kohl eyeliner, and red shadow and mascara and dark red lipstick and lots of translucent powder to make myself matte as can be then went to sleep wearing all that make-up for that genuine "i'm on heroin and forgot i had a show tonight" look

On Saturday I woke up and re-applied my make-up a little, and then went out into the world to purchase a few drinks and try to accustom myself to walking around in clothes and make-up more femme than i normally do before heading out in the full Kristen Pfaff on london public transport on a Saturday night. I sat on a bench and i called Dani for an hour to try and get her up off the kitchen floor, which worked but then after about 50 minutes i accidentally said something that made her lie down on the kitchen floor. real heroes journey hours.

After that I ate some chicken and coleslaw and packed on the translucent powder and brightened up the lips and packed all the stuff i'd need for the party (including TWO changes of clothes!!)

On Saturday evening I went on the train to Christabel's dressed in the full Kristen Pfaff which was scary and there was a little Occurrence but nothing worth talking too much about.

Christabel's party was a lovely time but it was a little busy and noisy for me at first, but it was lovely. I met some new people, and some people for a second time, and some people for a third time. I kept going into Christabel's room to sit alone, though eventually a lot of the party moved in there too. I gave her her gifts of 2 mix cds and a watercolour painting of a grendler.

i felt weirdly sad and distant the whole night, and kind of... i don't know. It was that classic rabbit 🐇 shit where i am just always somehow on my own in groups. Just always seem to be somehow on my own. I don't know. I remember in primary school I always had to sit at a table by myself, because if I sat beside people or in the group tables i would "talk too much". I was naturally social, but because of that I had to be on my own. I think that might have fucked me up.

I didn't sleep. In the morning people went out for breakfast, I joined them but i probably shouldn't have.

i'm considering making a disappearance.

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i'm finally home. I'm going to disappear.