week 14; 2022

i am depleted. but in a good way.

on Monday i went to la pulquería favorita de la chica del parque bicentenario and drank a large jug of pulque piñon. it was the most local place i went to in CDMX. when i walked in i got the feeling “i am not meant to be here,” but i was bolstered by my dream of drinking something somewhere someone had been so i soldiered on. the drink was pink and sticky and thick. it was sweeter than i should drink, i think., but i’d been careful throughout the week and it didn’t seem to spike my blood sugar noticeably. i look forward to returning and trying the celery.

she thought i’d meant 11a.m for my flight back to Londres, and when she found out it was p.m. we arranged to meet up for a walk and a dinner when she got out of work. she’s a designer for some kind of bakery consortium. i went home and packed all my bags. i got so nervous i threw up. let me tell you something: i’ve gone on stages in front of dozens of people by myself and sang songs that i wrote and i have never psychosomatically chundered in my life before this. what the hell. anyway we found ourselves holding hands again for a little while, and we went to a juice bar, and we laughed a lot, and we walked back and spent 30 minutes saying goodbye. she told me she’d been thinking a good gift for me would be a beanie with long rabbit ears before she knew my surname is rabbits and that i am the largest rabbit in the world. she said “¡¡you’re like a big rabbit!!”, the words i’ve longed to hear. she shouted “goodbye chee!!” looking back from halfway down the street and then what i did, right, was i got on a plane and i flew five thousand and five hundred fucking miles away.

in mexico city shops often have temperature sensors that you have to hold your hand up to and they beep to tell you that you’re cool enough to enter the room. most of them beep. there’s one coffee shop that has one that firmly, yet merrily, declares “¡NORMAL!”. i agree with that machine.

¡normal!

let’s see. i got on a plane, i was sitting between a mother and her son and they kept talking over me and passing objects over me and i offered to switch places with either of them and they merrily, yet firmly, said “no:)”. i thought a lot about how the seats in aeroplanes just shouldn’t be able to go back at all, it’s so rude. my legs were so cramped and i was so tired and it was an incredibly long and unpleasant flight. but i text with the girl from bicentennial park during the flight and we laughed a lot and and i didn’t care so bad that it was so long and so unpleasant.

i took a tube home, then a train. when i got into my apartment i was astonished. it was like the apartment of a person who has been depressed! i started tidying, it’s not so bad now. it’s got a clean kitchen table and it’s cozy again. though it still needs some work :)

on Wednesday i went into the office. i saw some people. i told them about how i’d met this person. i think it was all i talked about. i could not focus on anything, cosmos in the chest and anthill in the belly. went to a mexican restaurant at lunch, it was not very good. after work we went for drinks, talked a bit about the dynamics at work and why it is hard to hire people, and why people are leaving. i talked a bit about my team. my despair about my team and about my work have been replaced by transcendental nihilism. my hope and dreams have been replaced with different hopes and fewer dreams.

i have not been sleeping right. wednesday and thursday i woke up at 4a.m., had a chat for two hours and then i just got up and started my day. on thursday night i didn’t sleep at all. on friday night i went to sleep in kinda good time, and tried to force myself to sleep in but i have all these thoughts and chemicals and things i want to say jaajajjaja i just am lying still sometimes and staring into the darkness of my room unable to stop my mind and body from churning. feelin’ like a little laboratory. ¡normal!

anyway mostly i just spent the week laughing, giggling, wriggling and eating corn. i haven’t taken any drugs, i’ve gone for some walks, i’ve cooked everything i ate except for a battered fish i ordered and ate with valentina and lime. i don’t know what to say. like, for a week that contained more good emotions than as many weeks as i can remember that went before it, nothing really happened. i just sat around texting and walked around smiling and glowing and beaming and being like . she bullies me.

on friday or saturday at one point i sang and played the guitar for pleasure. can you imagine? can’t remember the last time i did that, tbh. i just sat there, singing songs, for no reason other than i was relaxed and happy and in the mood to. can you imagine? syd barrett, libertines, a few old blues numbers, improvising some little jangly guitar bits in between the songs all interstitial-like, Stray Cat Strut, &c, &c. can you imagine?

¡normal!

i’d love to apologize for how excruciating and sickly and corny this post is, but i’m not sorry. sorry.

lo siento bebé.