sometimes i’m afraid to go to sleep because i know i’m going to wake up tomorrow a different person

i don’t know what ways i’ll be different. i know i’ll have a different set of interests but i don’t know if that set will contain the project i started working on tonight.

i wish i could rely on myself to be there tomorrow, but i never can. i have a choice to be okay with letting it go, or locking in on it until the thing is done. locking in and staying up means an inferior result compared to if i got a night’s sleep, but it’s better than the thing that never got made. it’s a gamble, and i have never learned in all these years to predict or even guess at the outcome.

tonight i’m going to try ordering a hot dog, drinking some 0% chocolate milk, 2 beers and finish as much as i can before i pass out (which i’m not going to try to delay in any way) and we’ll see how that approach works.

i’ll be sad if this doesn’t get done because i spent _hours_ developing material for it.