you honestly wouldn't believe how weird it is to look at me naked nowadays. my butt in particular has gotten so weird, there's this triangular fold that is like nothing i've ever seen.

just two years ago i had a butt that was by some accounts a cute butt. now it is a wrongly baked alaska. my body looks like a low FODMAP recipe book photo shoot. it's still something resembling a human body but with unexpected curves and angles and parts overcooked.

it's something of a relief knowing you will never look good, never look the way you want, never look the way you do when you picture yourself. it frees you up to focus on less important things.

there's nothing quite like painting yourself pretty and looking better than you ever did then seeing a photograph from an angle unanticipated. if that's how others see me then who am i? not me, not the person i am to me. if i met that person i'd not see of them the way i see of me.

last weekend becky did my make-up, plucked my eyebrows and cut my hair. i looked so good, and i felt good too. i still look good, and i still feel good. later in the evening several people pointed out to me that i am fat. one person put their finger under my belly like my mother used to do when it stuck out of my t-shirt when i was a teenager, and they laughed and looked at their friend who smiled. another pointed at my belly and said that i needed to sort that out. i'd just given them a cigarette and we were talking about music.