went out on tueday night to my favourite bar in lewisham the fox & firkin. i realized i was comfortable there so i went home and changed into a dress which was my first time wearing a dress with no leggings or sweatpants underneath in london. then i made friends with the staff there and after it closed we went to do karaoke at the new cross inn until 3am. it was a good time.

i find myself suddenly saying aloud "i hate myself" or "i wish i was dead" quite a lot at the moment. i've spent much of the week trying to come up with reasons to continue living and failing. i literally have googled "reasons to live" and read some lists, none of them are particularly compelling i think the thing that keeps me going is the the fear of an afterlife.

i got sick on friday and watched all the karate kid movies and played zelda. what happened to the fish girl from breath of the wild? did she survive? i can't remember. i hope she did, i miss the fish girl.

maybe i'll think about going to italy. the land of espresso, spaghetti, SEBs and cured meat. maybe that is something to focus on. maybe that is a reason. oh that reminds me i made a little café con leche and have lost it somewhere in my apartment.

i can't believe i'm still sick. i noticed something respiratory going on with it late last evening. might be worse than i thought when i thought it might be hayfever.

#NATSTATWEEK It's national stationery week next week. should we go and buy some pencils? perhaps some pens? some midori paper? some binders? some rulers? some cases? some scissors?