hello little monkeys.

feeling like a gooey chocolate chip cookie.

I've been getting up at 5am this week. When you're trying to make healthier choices, people always tell you to make small reasonable adjustments. Because that's what works. For most people. Normal people. i.e., freaks. Me, i need chaos. i need brightly glowing extreme shifts and changes that can be serve as a kind of hobby, as a project. So it can't be "going to bed a little earlier", it needs to be "i get up at 5am now". That same impulse to always go all the way with everything can be turned and pointed in the other direction. healthy chaos. it's not "cutting down on drinking" it's 0 drugs, 0 alcohol. Anyway this is working so far this month. Maybe i'm a fool.

Met ZZ at the office for Teahorse Tuesdays on Thursday at the Fortnum & Mason at the Royal Exchange. Lovely time. Had a lovely week, honestly. In bed by 9pm most nights. Leave work between 1 and 2p.m. and go outside. Have lunch, get the train, lie on the heath listening to music. Got a little goofy towards the end of the week, even got the goofs in fact. They're gone now.

There was a space-themed warehouse party on Friday evening. Wonderful. So good to see everyone, beautiful people. So many so beautiful people. The community shares a problem that all open spaces do, how do you deal with bad and malevolent actors in a society founded on the principal that everyone should be able to be themselves and do what they like? How to deal with takers in a community based on giving freely. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law can't subsist unless everyone involved is working on their magnum opus.

The place looked great, the music was great, everybody was dressed to the 9s. I finally had an opportunity to wear my cyberpunk glasses and my IKEA space suit. Around 4:30a.m. i headed home. Sober partying is pretty good, I'm all charged up with party energy and there's no noticeable downside. There were long stretches during which I'd normally drink something or take a drug and instead i just stood still, not knowing what to do. There were also a couple times when otherwise deeply sweet people were telling me some long meandering tale that even they weren't paying attention to. As though they'd fallen asleep and started dreaming at me. During these moments I became so intensely bored that I thought that I might just burst into flames. But they passed.

As a consequence of egodeath you might recall I lost almost all of my pictures of the festival. I had two disposable cameras, one of them was in the bag with my phone when it was taken by the night. The other was developed, and I gave some people printed paper photos of themselves at the party on Saturday. They are especially precious little pictures because they are the only ones i have. They were received very warmly.

The love I have for so many of the people in that place is so intense sometimes i feel that i might shatter into pieces if i'm touched. it feels difficult to contain, like if i open my mouth there will be light coming out and then through all my pores and then i burst and shatter.

🎉🥳 happy birthday lb 🥳🎉

note to self: i should add custom emojis to my blog