week 33 of 2024

Welcome!

I allowed myself to sober up for 36 hours, and learned after a couple nights good sleep that I am quite sad and lonely! So, I won’t be making that mistake again. Though tequila is quite expensive and not available on the NHS for some reason.

This week I had a few bad phonecalls, and wrote some okay code, watched some TV, and chatted to some interesting new people. On Friday night I went out for a walk, down a street I’ve walked down many times, but it led to a street I’ve never seen with new shops and parties. I’m not sure where I was but eventually I found the fox and firkin from an angle I’ve not come at it from before.

I was wrong, Megan, I’d never actually listened to that Björk album and honestly it’s crazy that that is your favourite but I listened to it on the way home and it was extremely upsetting, but I enjoyed it and I understand.

The writing in these entries has been lacking lately, that’s a shame. sorry to anyone reading. I cannot imagine improving that, or making music or doing anything that requires a working mind. , how would it come about? I’ve purchased a whiteboard and it’s full of text and plans for a piece of software I may or may not ever write. The challenge , because without constant distraction my thoughts quickly wonder into the kind of territory that is an anxiety and (s|m)adness machine and with enough distraction then they aren’t there at all. A day was wasted installing Linux on my macbook for no good reason. A classic activity in times like these.

Let’s pause here for a moment, and remember the truths of alchemy and the magickal practice of Silence. That’s when you want to talk about it so much, that it’s nearly bursting through your skin electric light through every pore. That holding onto it focuses not only you (who cannot speak until it is complete), but God or Fate or the collective unconscious. Thy will be done.

sleeping nearly upside down
  one palm against the center
    eating very bad

maybe i can beat it. what if i say that i must make a pot of chili and a piece of music by midnight, and post both here?

can i be driven by that? is that enough? it’s 7.m. now. i’ve been writing for a few hours, without much to show for it. but i’ve made it all the way into the kitchen now and even emptied the dishwasher. i can imagine a world where i even take the clean sheet out of this washing machine and change the bed. ok. i will do it.

time goes by…

it appears somehow the beef mince i bought today has already expired. a horrid, deeply unsettling smell the evokes a reaction that must be ancestral. i didn’t notice until i already started cooking it, because what is blood supposed to smell like? the red onions… and their friends… it’s okay. i can try again. i will have a smaller goal, i’ll simply get all these vegetables and empty bags and boxes off my bed instead.

you broke my heart. again. and you didn’t seem to think there was any problem with it. and if i am sad… if somebody can’t talk right now it doesn’t always mean they’re mad, you’re not the only thing happening in anybody’s life.

and that’s good not bad.

they’re meant to separate, that’s the problem. that keeps being the problem! treating two separate processes that need to be done one after another, in different frames of mind, like it’s one thing. you must write, then edit. you must do the science (exploration) then the engineering (implementation).

it’s been a while since i cried. gets caught in my throat. then i’m holding on to it.

so it’s 10 now. chili is absolutely off the menu. tomorrow i will cook an omelette for breakfast. and make coffee. then we will see about how to put humpty back together again.

i met becky down by the shore of the thames. it was a beautiful evening sitting on the sand by the oxo building and trying to put the future together. she’s going to be playing a large egg in a pantomime.

time passes

it’s 11.m. now.

time passes

it’s 11.m. now.

well, i guess the answer is no