there’s someone in the cafe beside me with 4 bic pens each of a different colour, and a file folder and lots of loose A5 paper and the corner of each page is numbered, and the different coloures are being used for different sections (indicating a semantics). what are you up to! the only thing you’ve eaten is two cans of coca cola! and now you’re having a third! i want to ask them about their life, but i will leave them to it as they are clearly engaged in a pursuit of an alchemical nature.

as above so below.

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there’s a part in Metal Gear Solid V when Quiet bites off a guy’s ear and spits it out, and honestly #makeupgoals #styleicon. then she lifts her leg up and slams it down so hard on this guy that his balls appear to explode(❓) and where did she get those cute boots? are they new??

the parasite eyeliner is always a good look but, the smudged lip really makes it all pop. should i be applying my lip stick with an ear?

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i’ve been dancing through town thinking “miku, miku, oo-ee-oo”. my weeks are of long days and i fight against the fear of being told i’m wrong, fear of being ignored, fear of futility. i feel so annoying. just gotta fight through it. mayve i should have done talks in my career so that i wouldn’t have to keep warming up new individuals over and over. it’s so much work. mostly internally, fighting with my own completely unhinged mind. i swear it’s fuckin upsetting in here. i’m amazed i’m able to ever do anything at all with the noise of it, and all the emotions and the physical manifestations of those emotions.

i was in a meeting last week where a man said “sometimes you have arguments that are parametric in diagrams from a subordinate language”. couldn’t agree more. ❓ i don’t know what it means, but for the next week i’m going to say it any time it’s my turn to talk but i don’t know what to say. that and warning people that -117 is a negative number, of which i watched mimi be repeatedly informed by a CLI on monday morning.

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sometimes i believe that if i go to thejournalshop.com and buy a specific notebook and pen it’ll arrive and i’ll be productive and it’ll change my life. but then it turns out the actual work is doing the hard work. and any plan in which one of the steps is “become an actual other human being” is doomed to fail in anything other than distracting fantasy. in other news, i watched the LIVE 2025 submissions.

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if only there was something that would do what tequila does for me without what tequila does to me. i am so sick of being braindead and anxious. i want the spark of thought and conversation and the calm and the excitement and the socializing and the belief in myself and the making music and the ability to hold a concept in my head. without the part where i sometimes wake up in a field or stay up all night in an alley smoking crack with two ladies i met in the street. anyone know anything like that? a cocktail of xanax and adderall perhaps?

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well you know what they say. do something you love and the only rest in your life will be death.

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• https://www.map.org.uk/
• https://www.hindrajabfoundation.org/
• https://pcrf1.app.neoncrm.com/forms/gaza-recovery
• https://www.libertyhumanrights.org.uk/
• https://greenparty.org.uk/

and i’m thinking miku miku oo-ee-oo

don’t do anything spooky you battery powered ghost!

computer on the television he says “beep beep, ziiiip” etc

sick all week but worked all week long day from breakfast to supper.

gooey gooey güey on the inside

met up with the tonks and grjte and dr basman in the conspicuous opulence of bain capital for the inaugral meeting of the integration domain. a lovely time. good peeps them peeps.

does anyone have several hundred bars of xanax i could borrow

lily got her new sneaks her feet look happy in green and pink ribbons.

remember that time i bought you all those twitter followers as a prank and then it started spreading to other people

every time i get sick now i think about how some time i’ll get sick and then i won’t ever get my energy back

maybe this week i’ll even go outside during the day sometime. it’s the first week in a while with no events in it. what a dream. lucky rabbits.

sorry to all the people i owe time and attention to, i havent had it.

i am sick. diminished ability to taste. throat all fucked up. all the body wrong. chest isn’t right. body hurts. have pity on me. almost the moment work finished on friday, the sickness appeared to rush in. the throat pain, the head woosh, all fast. an hour later i was in bed for 2 days. i’m in that bed now.

send care.

We’ve arrived in week 38. i’m sneezing and my nose is running. that’s a good sign because that’s an actual kind of sickness, and sickness can be cured. I’ve been to the water. The sort of thing a doctor might prescribe in a pg wodehouse novel. i’ll try getting on the turmeric and yoghurt later.

i had coffee at 17 grams, 15 grams and 18 grams this week.

now i want the whole set:

• 15GRAMS, blackheath https://www.15grams.co.uk/,
• 16 GRAMS CAFÉ, vietnam https://www.16grams.com/,
• 17 Grams, brighton https://17grams.co.uk/,
• 18Grams, greenwich https://www.instagram.com/18gramscoffee.infinitelove/,
• 19grams, berlin https://19grams.coffee/
• TWENTY GRAMS, egypt

the bad thing about the train back to london from brighton is it passes through gatwick airport and then everybody gets on and they stink and it’s busy and stinky of their holiday feet; i’m glad they had a nice time on holiday but poor me

a girl i met dancing outside New Cross Inn a couple of years ago posted to her instagram story that the sole ripped off her boots so i sent a Vans gift card to an e-mail address i got from a Shetland Times newspaper article when she was interviewing whale watchers on the Scottish isles

zaina is writing again:) it’s rly good.

girls are listening to white noise to change the colour of their eyes

i was once so alone in my own world learning and reading and practicing and making something every day. i wonder what changed. maybe it’s the gut bacteria. i was always drinking strange teas. and finding new ways to get high. maybe looking forward there is a place for that again. drinking tea and living a good life of solitude. in another time i was in solitude and writing letters. yellow page and black ink and thorntons chocolate fudge bar.

i’ve been practicing some music, sleeping with a metronome, putting some notes one after another. it’s a good sign. getting out of the house. writing javascript. i’ll start at 60 and work my way down to 37.5. ladybirds.

damn girl your gut bacteria must be hopping, look at you glow

just pulled into Three Bridges. always makes me think of ac. we spent some time together here when we were teenagers. on the platform and among the daffodils.

last night, in the middle of the night, i woke up and i wrote in big letters on my whiteboard “GO TO THE WATER”. i think it’s important to follow instructions from yourself, especially those that were passed on from the witching hour. i slept late as part of a project to try and regain control of my mental faculties. they have been missing and/or damaged since at least w27. maybe earlier? when was the last time i was present in this world without that wax film between me and you?

part of the procedure has been banishing the human spoken voice as entertainment from my home. no television, no YouTube, no podcast. read book at night on kobo lights off 1% flavescent backlight fall sleep. other sound from björk and many artists i found through soulseek in decade 2 and from biiiy and all that jangle indie (gangpol, rilo, capsule, gong, dat politics, of montreal) and repeatedly KNOWER im the president.

i saw KNOWER at KOKO this week. took 3 hours to get there, 2 hours to get home. it was a good show but i was anxious and nowhere to place my human body which i regret making and getting inside sometimes. perhaps to deconstruct and reconstruct? perhaps to walk into the sea? destroy build destroy? as above so below?

so we go to the water, we go to the water. and we will wake up at the seaside. yes and so, i woke up and then i got on a train to brighton. and i’m staying overnight. i went down by the stones and water and sat and looked out into it crashing against the shore. and i let it run up to my knees. and i tried to remember what feeling is like or how it starts. i know it used to fill me up, shivering against my lungs and all my blood and bones all shaking and it was me in solitude or with god or in the sky or a point in spacetime or all the orb and grass and sabre tiger and corn and red dirt and pyramids. but now, nothing. pressure, stress. something in my gooey membrane. all wet eyes and heavy with shooting pains when i try to sleep. and my neck crunching when it turns. and no focus, and like my brain inflamed too big to fit inside my skull bones.

this week was my first week at my new job. tradition dictates i don’t really talk about my job while i work at it. this will continue for now, though it may grow more challenging as it may intertwingle with my regular life in a way other jobs have not. what i will say, though, is that i don’t recall a time that i have felt luckier; i am honoured & thrilled.

i don’t know yet how to be in the world where a symbol i have venerated is made, in part, of me. hope i’m worth the money.

Thank-you for the e-mails.

On Thursday evening I went with becky avery to see Really Good Exposure which was enjoyable and by the end i wished for many people to step on a lego. Before the show we went to Garlic & Shots and the nice person who served us our crumbed cloves told me she loves Björk.

On Friday afternoon I said goodbye to the people on my team, as my job there was over now. And then on the evening I had dinner at Dr Basman’s house where I met some kind new souls.

The weekend I lay still in one spot wishing I was dead, due to having interacted socially with so many people in such a short time.

I’m looking at some old wallpapers and mailing list art. Tacky amateur stuff get so charming and comforting after just a decade or two of distance. It’s so weird that in 2036 i’m going to find all this AI art so charming and warm. Unbelievable now, but it will happen.

Once they perfect that haptic technology for making touchscreens feel like different materials we’ll be making retro sites with the css * {texture: glass}.

My new job, new career, starts tomorrow. Wish me luck.