Week 41 of 2025

there’s someone in the cafe beside me with 4 bic pens each of a different colour, and a file folder and lots of loose A5 paper and the corner of each page is numbered, and the different coloures are being used for different sections (indicating a semantics). what are you up to! the only thing you’ve eaten is two cans of coca cola! and now you’re having a third! i want to ask them about their life, but i will leave them to it as they are clearly engaged in a pursuit of an alchemical nature.

as above so below.

there’s a part in Metal Gear Solid V when Quiet bites off a guy’s ear and spits it out, and honestly #makeupgoals #styleicon. then she lifts her leg up and slams it down so hard on this guy that his balls appear to explode(❓) and where did she get those cute boots? are they new??

the parasite eyeliner is always a good look but, the smudged lip really makes it all pop. should i be applying my lip stick with an ear?

i’ve been dancing through town thinking “miku, miku, oo-ee-oo”. my weeks are of long days and i fight against the fear of being told i’m wrong, fear of being ignored, fear of futility. i feel so annoying. just gotta fight through it. mayve i should have done talks in my career so that i wouldn’t have to keep warming up new individuals over and over. it’s so much work. mostly internally, fighting with my own completely unhinged mind. i swear it’s fuckin upsetting in here. i’m amazed i’m able to ever do anything at all with the noise of it, and all the emotions and the physical manifestations of those emotions.

i was in a meeting last week where a man said “sometimes you have arguments that are parametric in diagrams from a subordinate language”. couldn’t agree more. ❓ i don’t know what it means, but for the next week i’m going to say it any time it’s my turn to talk but i don’t know what to say. that and warning people that -117 is a negative number, of which i watched mimi be repeatedly informed by a CLI on monday morning.

sometimes i believe that if i go to thejournalshop.com and buy a specific notebook and pen it’ll arrive and i’ll be productive and it’ll change my life. but then it turns out the actual work is doing the hard work. and any plan in which one of the steps is “become an actual other human being” is doomed to fail in anything other than distracting fantasy. in other news, i watched the LIVE 2025 submissions.

if only there was something that would do what tequila does for me without what tequila does to me. i am so sick of being braindead and anxious. i want the spark of thought and conversation and the calm and the excitement and the socializing and the belief in myself and the making music and the ability to hold a concept in my head. without the part where i sometimes wake up in a field or stay up all night in an alley smoking crack with two ladies i met in the street. anyone know anything like that? a cocktail of xanax and adderall perhaps?

well you know what they say. do something you love and the only rest in your life will be death.

and i’m thinking miku miku oo-ee-oo