it’s hestie’s birthday. happy birthday, hestie.

i’m sick. i tell you that not because i want your pity, but because i need it. please send your pobrecitas as rapidly and repeatedly as possible.

in my notes this week it says:

i’m gonna talk about some computer shit, which… i apologize. long time readers will no doubt be more worried about my wellbeing now than they ever were when i was on crack in an alley or meth in a squat or ketamine in a monday morning standup. i promise it’s going to be okay. softer software on cuter computers is my whole life now.

but i don’t have the energy now to write about it so we’re all better off.

it was a really good week. i was awake late a few nights helping people with last minute work things. loved that. there was another very nice evening, and a lovely afternoon, and then i walked home in the sun. loved that.

the things you learn about yourself. like, i never would have guessed that something i enjoy is being shown a series of different houses on Software MacKiev’s KID PIX 3D and asked “would you live in that house” but it turns out that can be something that makes me feel like god has a plan for me

i think that’s all i’ve got in me for words this week. hope one day i’m in a position to go back and fill in some of the missing pieces from this year.

next week’s entry will be this:

lay still eating yoghurt

it was my little rabbit birthday this week.

sorry i’m so late with the entry.

i’ve been moving back and forth and back and forth. i’ve spent 10 or more hours this week travelling between my old apartment and new. i’m in the back of a cab right now, in fact. it’s mostly been on snakes of teal, snakes of two thin stripe, snakes of royal purple. but today is a little cabbier.

oh yes, i got the keys to my new apartment! on my birthday. now i only have to remember one date when i’m filling in forms. is that too much information to put in public? you wouldn’t identity theef me would you? i’m so kind and you look so good right now. absolutely your colour.

my birthday was marked by several specific extremely potent messages from a few exceedingly specific people. one of them in particular has made me cry at least once a day since then. very wet eyes about the whole thing. very wet eyes girl. feeling cherished. and cherishing.

yes and so that was monday. and we are in a new season. of course my birthday is the first day of spring as everyone agrees. rabbit season. tenderstem broccoli season, so says prufrock. and i walked to prufrock after getting the keys. it’s real nearby now, hopping distance. scoot scoot scoot. and then i sat in prufrock with a smile on my face and i a little wet eyes and a smile and ate the tenderstem brocolli. the eggs benny with seasonal veg is great, though i think it could do with 2 or 3 flakes of maldon in the sauce to take a little edge off the bitter of the mustard. but that’s just me, a little rabbit. a simple rabbit with big ideas.

and i was so excited that i slept in the apartment that night without bed nor blanket — though i did bring a pillow and i wrapped myself up in a rug. the next day i learned my green overnight can hold a whole double duvet and i no longer trust my ability to spatially reason. and later that night i went to the github next thing at granola and saw max and ben and mimi. good event. cherry dash. there’s a bunch of stuff to say. but i’m not quite ready to pull these entries into that part world yet. that world where it is the computer, and politic, and the future, and the darkness, and the light and the beep boop and the sober reflection on the state of it. i don’t know why. there was a time, i suppose, when the only people i knew who read my blog would have been bored to death by that. and maybe once i was afraid. neither of these things are true anymore i think, because those people stopped reading a long time ago. and i know what i believe now so i am not afraid.

hmm. maybe next time. maybe next time. but, here’s the thing. you gotta put it in the execution environment. like Squeak. and, like… here’s the other thing. you know? like. keep it cute. soft. and, like, you know… it’s hard to find your way to user power if you pay your rent with monopoly money. anyway, it’s none of my business. it’s really fun to attend these sorts of things with someone you run one of these sorts of things with.

and then on the way home to my cute meeting my phone died and i got lost because i don’t know where i live because i just moved there yesterday and i was a little scared and late and lost and then out of nowhere mimi appeared and gave me directions and that was lovely and it’s so nice when everything just works out all magic. the cute meeting was also magic. but i don’t know how to talk about that here yet either.

and wednesday was nice, close and cozy. and back and forth and back and forth.

and thursday, back over again. and up all night with the boxes, fall asleep on a sofa cushion balled up like doggy does. and in the morning dear sweet kind kara came and gave me her van driving powers and her ankle and we put all of the boxes in the back of a van and the sofa and the tables and then to shoreditch and unloaded it all and it was exhausting and i am so grateful to her for that.

and on saturday back and forth more, and wander around town, and write a few little songs. i think i’m working on a quiet party album/e.p.? maybe it’s something like fieldisturbance. i certainly feel there’s something in all these little disconnected pieces, maybe lots of little pieces. it has a working title and a cover that i’m not ready to share. :))

and yes and so it’s sunday and i’m back in CHURCHUTCH and there is the EOT cleaning in the morning. i had two men come and take all the trash bags away today, and they took apart the desk and took many things away. i’ve really not, in my time on this earth, taken enough advantage of the feature of life where you can give people $200 and then they do things you don’t want to do.

i’ve made some cool things recently that im not yet able to share. hopefully soon. instead, mimi invites you to ski over here: ski together. and you should come ski because it is gentle. one of my favourite computer feelings is two people together in a place where they have a form, but have no text, no speech. and the two of you will find a way to say “i am here” to one another. and more. and there’s something about the silent, faraway-type feeling, where we are together but apart… and then we excavate connection… and find away to play. idk, it feels so near and whisper, little breath and quiet. i’ve felt that computer feeling acutely several times over the past four months or so, and i feel drawn to that computer feeling like one might a vocation.

now i will take advantage of the tall ceilings and empty rooms and windows that look out over the graveyard and the cherry blossoms across the road and try to capture some vocals with the haunting crisp beautiful acoustics of this room that once was mine. and ours. and ours.

i am calm and happy, and bursting with excitement. and sleepy. and ready for the next next few months. i have no idea what they hold, but i think that i know who and where.

hey baby

it’s my birthday tomorrow

i’m in my extraordinarily late twenties

talking full refund on uber eats type late

talking [formal] (of a person) no longer alive type late

if you didn’t get me a gift, that means you are my gift

hey babe

i got an apartment

i’m getting the keys tomorrow

i think my life is about to change completely

uber eats game crazy

1 tube from everywhere

30 minute walk from prufrock

yeah

let’s get matching tattoos that say “it’s sad but it’s true” and under that “⬛︎⬛︎⬛︎” and a canada goose in a paddling pool

i mean

wait, wait. i was gonna say something nope, it’s gone. it’s gone.

oh yeah. so i took a few days off to pack, put my life into boxes (this is my last resort). stayed up late and “helped” beano with her homework. she is a lightsource and the owner of many good brush pens and very funny and good. afterwards i sat down between two towers of boxes and thought about how i’ve not had a vacation since 2024, and now the year ends in the number six. i dyed the front leaves of my hair orange. that brought back a rush of memories; i cried for a while which is good. i’ve been holding onto some stuff for a manufacturer of quality soups that’s gonna land me in a pickle, which i do not relish. it’s been a long year since christmas three christmases ago, and i’ve got to take some time to wring it out of myself and into the radio. feel like i’ve been having, in a personal capacity, a week where decades happen twice a week for half a year.

sometimes you’re just waiting around for someone to have a dream they can’t explain.

wait, wait. i was gonna say something — nope, it’s gone. it’s gone.

oh yeah, .

foc was really special. again. i fucking love this event. all the people are so great, and i love stomping around and having silly little chitter-chatters with everyone. and telling everybody how amazing their demos were (they were) and thanking them. and telling everybody how i’m so happy they came and thank you and listening to their ideas about the computer and saying “pleeeeease submit a demo for next time!!!!!!” because they are all so cute and excited and interesting. and i love running it with lu and with mimi and i just can’t imagine a better setup. like 3⁄4 of the people were first time this time and it still felt like FoC, it was charged up and the air was vibrating and there was too much pizza.

and now i’m moving apartments to just a few minutes run from there. i know it’s just a few minutes run because i got to the event just as the drinks were arriving, and then i ran to the viewing, took the place, and ran back for setup and pizza. might be the first time i’ve run in a decade. oh! i almost forgot. another of my dreams came true. i stepped out in front of somebody’s car and they shouted “fucking bitch!” out the window. isn’t that wonderful? they wanted to hurt my feelings, but they did it on my terms. you feel me? i’m so cute and popular.

you think i’m never lonely because i’m so cute and popular?

okay so today we transition from the Wheel of Fortune to the Page of Swords and do you know what queen? maybe!

i’d had this rule with heroin ever since i was a teenager. i’d try it, but only ever in one v. specific scenario: somehow i’d come into posession of it, but had no idea how to acquire any more.

later on i’m twenty something. the summerhouse with nothing but a piano and a bed. but then fiancee, inevitable, and the leaving suddenly in the dark of night with grandfather’s whiskey. but there’s a party in the big house with the girls from the charity. i’m working my way through a line of coke and that extremely tall loud software engineer that josie likes comes in the room and tells me amy winehouse died.

at the end post wind down, there’s josie out on the steps leading up to the door. we sit beside each other for a while and look up at the stars. we kiss a little and say “this feels terrible” and “can we not do this again?”. i tell her i have nowhere to live and she invites me to stay in the room above her mother’s kitchen with nothing but a cello and a bed.

and i walk through the city as the sun starts to rise. “can i borrow your phone mate?” a guy on the corner of the street. he tells me im tryna call a guy to see if his wife’s gone so i can drop by. so i asked what he was buying? heroin. how much does that cost? he makes the call. took my cash, up the street and back with a bag and some advice: don’t take it.

and back to josie’s house and it’s a small room but warm and sometimes her mother comes in and teaches me a little cello. here’s how to hold a bow, how to turn it when you pull. i like the cello. i spent a few days snorting h, making websites for my first real web dev job, reading books and playing cello. i gathered my things and got on a plane to chicago where i would embark involuntarily upon the dark quinquennium. but yes, i can see the appeal. no pain, no anxiety, no world around at all, no fear, in heaven phasing through memories and imaginary worlds and always where you are, but chitter chatter with little sepia ghostlies as you maybe-here-maybe-don’t and all the while it’s like she’s holding you. at some point i threw up in a pizza box. papa john’s.

this week, though… i worked a lot. talked to some people. wrote little bits of songs i can never commit to record at least until they aren’t true anymore. i’m taking the next few days off to get every little thing in boxes. the kitchen’s pretty much done now. just need to trash one cupboard of trash. i am gonna have a lot of boxes. most of the apartments i’ve found so far may be too small to fit the boxes. i said, she said. eyes wet, cheeks red. goosebumps, deep breath. scruffy angel on, yes, the chopping block. bless her cotton socks. get the coffee pot, set your pocket watch, let a bottle rocket off. unless you lost a lot, i guess you walk it off. skyyyyrockets in flight, afternoon delight. of course that’s your contention you’re a first year hospitality student just got through eating some gastronomical schnitzel, cordon bleu probably. thrift store hunting, little driver seat, cooper, self preservation society, like homecoming, eurostar “get it?” like quantum physics (in your window). like quiet party, jerry springer messy— black and white, under water, up in the sky. jack up, rose up, car crash, hook line and sink and a day later, weak forty eight, two hours and forty drenched, but we’ll be okay, we can wait, eighty-eight and twenty-three (and three), ADH and LSD and R-QP. an hour a day five days a week keeps the doctor at bay, silent, asleep. quiet and sweet. try it and see. i’d like to be under the sea in an octopus’s garden in the summerhouse with nothing but a piano and a bed.