Sunday, August 29, 2021
hello everybody! I hope you are having a good weekend, and had the opportunity earlier in the week to become "bank holiday ready".
Last Wednesday I received an e-mail from a company asking me if I was Bank Holiday Ready I thought "that's not a thing". I received another, "are you bank holiday ready", I wondered if it's like HD Ready and there's also a state of True Bank Holiday. Once I got 4 or 5 of them I really started to reckon with it: I may not be bank holiday ready, and maybe i should be buying ham, beer, a British Airways flight and a table at flat iron square.
I sobered up for a while. Let myself feel some feelings. Mostly it turned out to be anger. I wrote a lot, processed some things. I used to think the opening line from Elliott Smith's Twilight ("I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, better stop now before I start crying") was needlessly melodramatic but it's very tangible now. Any amount of laughter is likely to turn to sobbing. I deleted all my group and family accounts and subscriptions, packed some more, and viewed many more flats.
I've made an offer on an apartment near Blackheath. It's very nice. Hopefully I get it, it's currently waiting for a reference from my current landlord. It's fun that my current landlord can stop me from getting another place to live.
Blackheath is lovely. Lots of trees.
I ate a haggis beef burger under a weeping willow on the Peckham Rye and like Blake saw a vision of angels.
I've watched about 11 movies this weekend. The best was Promising Young Woman.
but who do I text when I realize I'm the largest rabbit in the world?
Anyway, I'm over the first hump. I've accepted it, I can see it's the best thing for the both of us. Feeling stronger every day.
prime feat
I've traced many of my problems back to a single prime fear: a fear of being made fun of, being wrong, being corrected; a fear of being tricked, being cheated on, being thought to be doing something embarrassing; a fear of getting caught thinking things are one way when they are another. Hard to exactly describe. It's all of these, but there's something else I can't quite get my fingers around at its core. It's the root of my anxiety, the root of my co-dependence.
What I figure though is, because they are all forms of one another, that could be helpful. Quite lucky in a way. Because hopefully if I work on one of its manifestations it will help with all of them, and make it easier to work on the others.
For instance, this evening I went to a pub. I got a pint of beer, and went to find somewhere to sit down. I wanted to sit in a booth seat, and I felt the distinct feeling:
- I don't know if I'm allowed to sit here
- Maybe it is rude to sit here when it's only me and this is a table that could sit 4 people
I felt the distinct feeling, "i should just not". But this time I paused and addressed myself inside my head, and I said:
"Well, I probably am allowed to sit here (because it's just a seat?). And it's probably fine because the pub is not that busy. But also if I'm not allowed to sit here, the repercussions are that somebody will come and say something, and that is something I can handle". I pushed through, and sat down in the booth.
Afterwards I went to the shop across the road and I was browsing the incense. I wanted to buy the one called "Opium" and I felt that distinct feeling, "maybe this is an embarrassing incense to buy because it is called 'Opium'".
I think I do this all the time? tiny little regulations by fear. I don't even notice them. But it was on my mind, having had some success at the booth. My apartment smells really nice now.
A fortnight ago I attended a reggae night with some people I'd met at a rave. Towards the end of the evening I was sitting on a sofa in a dark alcove smoking a cigarette with a guy I'd met about 24 sleepless hours earlier, and he said to me "you doubt yourself too much". Every day since I've thought about that. At first like "no i don't", but now I see he really fucking nailed it. I should buy him flowers.