i am depleted. but in a good way.

on Monday i went to la pulquería favorita de la chica del parque bicentenario and drank a large jug of pulque piñon. it was the most local place i went to in CDMX. when i walked in i got the feeling "i am not meant to be here," but i was bolstered by my dream of drinking something somewhere someone had been so i soldiered on. the drink was pink and sticky and thick. it was sweeter than i should drink, i think., but i'd been careful throughout the week and it didn't seem to spike my blood sugar noticeably. i look forward to returning and trying the celery.

she thought i'd meant 11a.m for my flight back to Londres, and when she found out it was p.m. we arranged to meet up for a walk and a dinner when she got out of work. she's a designer for some kind of bakery consortium. i went home and packed all my bags. i got so nervous i threw up. let me tell you something: i've gone on stages in front of dozens of people by myself and sang songs that i wrote and i have never psychosomatically chundered in my life before this. what the hell. anyway we found ourselves holding hands again for a little while, and we went to a juice bar, and we laughed a lot, and we walked back and spent 30 minutes saying goodbye. she told me she'd been thinking a good gift for me would be a beanie with long rabbit ears before she knew my surname is rabbits and that i am the largest rabbit in the world. she said "¡¡you're like a big rabbit!!", the words i've longed to hear. she shouted "goodbye chee!!" looking back from halfway down the street and then what i did, right, was i got on a plane and i flew five thousand and five hundred fucking miles away.

in mexico city shops often have temperature sensors that you have to hold your hand up to and they beep to tell you that you're cool enough to enter the room. most of them beep. there's one coffee shop that has one that firmly, yet merrily, declares "¡NORMAL!". i agree with that machine.

¡normal!

let's see. i got on a plane, i was sitting between a mother and her son and they kept talking over me and passing objects over me and i offered to switch places with either of them and they merrily, yet firmly, said "no:)". i thought a lot about how the seats in aeroplanes just shouldn't be able to go back at all, it's so rude. my legs were so cramped and i was so tired and it was an incredibly long and unpleasant flight. but i text with the girl from bicentennial park during the flight and we laughed a lot and and i didn't care so bad that it was so long and so unpleasant.

i took a tube home, then a train. when i got into my apartment i was astonished. it was like the apartment of a person who has been depressed! i started tidying, it's not so bad now. it's got a clean kitchen table and it's cozy again. though it still needs some work :)

on Wednesday i went into the office. i saw some people. i told them about how i'd met this person. i think it was all i talked about. i could not focus on anything, cosmos in the chest and anthill in the belly. went to a mexican restaurant at lunch, it was not very good. after work we went for drinks, talked a bit about the dynamics at work and why it is hard to hire people, and why people are leaving. i talked a bit about my team. my despair about my team and about my work have been replaced by transcendental nihilism. my hope and dreams have been replaced with different hopes and fewer dreams.

i have not been sleeping right. wednesday and thursday i woke up at 4a.m., had a chat for two hours and then i just got up and started my day. on thursday night i didn't sleep at all. on friday night i went to sleep in kinda good time, and tried to force myself to sleep in but i have all these thoughts and chemicals and things i want to say jaajajjaja i just am lying still sometimes and staring into the darkness of my room unable to stop my mind and body from churning. feelin' like a little laboratory. ¡normal!

anyway mostly i just spent the week laughing, giggling, wriggling and eating corn. i haven't taken any drugs, i've gone for some walks, i've cooked everything i ate except for a battered fish i ordered and ate with valentina and lime. i don't know what to say. like, for a week that contained more good emotions than as many weeks as i can remember that went before it, nothing really happened. i just sat around texting and walked around smiling and glowing and beaming and being like :3. she bullies me.

on friday or saturday at one point i sang and played the guitar for pleasure. can you imagine? can't remember the last time i did that, tbh. i just sat there, singing songs, for no reason other than i was relaxed and happy and in the mood to. can you imagine? syd barrett, libertines, a few old blues numbers, improvising some little jangly guitar bits in between the songs all interstitial-like, Stray Cat Strut, &c, &c. can you imagine?

¡normal!

i'd love to apologize for how excruciating and sickly and corny this post is, but i'm not sorry. sorry.

lo siento bebé.

On Monday I ordered my breakfast en español for the first time. They were like “¿en inglés o en español?” and i said “no”, then i said “quiero huevos divorciados y café con leche, porfa “ and they said “¿picante?” and i said “síííííí”! an exciting time, for me. I got sunburned drinking tequila from a pepsi bottle sitting on a stone circle around a gigantic dry fountain. I looked like a little raspberry. a big raspberry, i guess.

I canceled my trip to Monterrey. turned out cheaper to stay in a fancy apartment for the last few days and get a ticket to a different festival right here in CDMX than getting the internal flight and Monterrey hotel. Monday was also when i finally got my elotes. A somewhat stressful experience, worth it to be covered in tajin and mayonnaise like the girl from club de cuervos.

The phrase i say the most is “lo siento”. Next most is “todo bien”.

When I was second in line for elotes, the person before me let the cobhandler struggle to find a 5 peso coin in her apron for like 3 minutes. She had to resort to borrowing one from another vendor. That other vendor then stood right beside me watching my face when it was my turn. Feeling pretty crowded, i failed to understand two very simple things, which were essentially “¿negro o blanco?” and “25 pesos”. Eventually we sorted it out, but i only had a 50 peso note and i didn't want her scrounging around in her apron again so i handed it to her and took the corn and said “todo bien, lo siento” and ran away.

Came out of my hotel room Tuesday to find a maid and a handyman trying to break in together. They had my door lock open on the floor, batteries out. When i opened the door we all were stunned for a moment. i said “hola” and we all started laughing. i offered the international sign for “i was having a nap” followed by the international sign for “it’s all yours” and ran away.

it’s weird that they don't have "no molestar por favor" signs for the rooms at this hotel; it’s weird that both of the times that i've been in the room during the day and they've come to clean they've been surprised and confused that i am here; it’s weird they assumed that when the door didn’t open for them that it was broken rather than that it was locked from the inside. feeling like the first person to ever come to Mexico city and not speak spanish, feeling like the first person to ever come to México city and take a nap in their hotel room during the day. neither of these things can be true ✅, but…

Met Simon Legg for a coffee on Wednesday. we walked around the perimeter of the Plaza de la Constitución (edit: i've been informed by jimena that i should be calling this place the Zócalo) the Zócalo where Bluetooth simply stops functioning. Wifi doesn’t work well there either. So far while getting coffees my name has been transcribed “chi”, “qui” and “chip”. maybe i will have it changed to chii.

On Thursday i watched some health workers protest in demand of the correct protective gear from the Dirección General de Servicios de Salud Pública de la Ciudad de México, Jorge Alfredo Ochoa Moreno. One of the signs said “we demand our 2021 uniforms”, i guess this has been a problem for a while.

Walked through a Catholicism mall of some kind. Saw a guy walk right through it smoking a cigarette and then when he got out the other side he put his mask on before stepping onto the street and throwing the cigarro on the floor.

There are toilets everywhere in CDMX, unlike London, though they cost $5. I’ve been told that part of the reason there are no toilets (and bins) in City of London is that they don’t want the IRA putting bombs in them. I try to remember when i am diabetically moments from bursting that it is the fault of my ancestors for invading ireland.

Feeling so disconnected from everyone around me makes the smallest moments shared feel so grand. walking behind a man, and we both reached out at once to touch a metal bench that was roasting in the sun, wondering how hot it was. i whispered “yo también”

It’s so hard to get small money. I changed my blog url. I can’t really choose between chee.club, chee.news, chee.party and chee.party. currently they all work and redirect to chee.party.

Checked out of hotel 1 and into hotel 2 on Friday. The new place is huge. it has 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a kitchen and the kitchen has a gas stove (¡¡¡el horno!!!) and a coffee maker machine and a refrigerator. It's very cute, and warm. I made a lot of good meals. I hope i am back in the mood to cook again when I get home on tuesday. I look forward to making enchiladas de mole, and elotes.

On Saturday morning i learned the immaculate conception is when mary was conceived and is not the virgin birth.

I started thinking about that time in january 2020 that i had the worst flu of my life and couldn't breathe properly and took 13 days off work, and then my ex caught it from me and had to come home from work because he couldn't breathe. and then how a few months later i noticed my feet and hands getting numb sometimes which turned out to be diabetes. and how longboy covid increases your chances of getting diabetes threefold.

At the festival i cried the whole time Snow was on stage. I cried and sang along and danced a little. I was so dehydrated when she got off and I wandered and wandered.

They underestimated the popularity of the battery rental stand, and so the very beautiful people there spent their whole night disappointing people. when i was 2nd in line, a girl in a yellow paisley bandana in front got a bad batería and then joined the back of the queue like an absolute sweetheart. i didn’t notice at first then i was like WTF darling you shouldn’t be punished for a bad battery and told her to get back in front of me. moments later she got a battery with a 3 light charge. I would never get more than a 1 light battery, i would never get more than 2% charge from the 1 light batteries with faulty cables they gave me. I will never be polite again for as long as i live. I had a lovely time in the line for the battery stand. I made great friends at the Fiesta Batería.

i hope i never forget the guy at the entrance to the PLUS area who helped me when i was disoriented; i hope i never forget the girl with mickey mouse hair behind the bar at the raised platform area, or the fella there too; i hope i never forget the people who were kind to me.

The festival was in Parque Bicentenario which is very, very beautiful; all full of trees (some of which i tasted), and cactuses and hills and it was beautiful. It has a chinampa, a lake, an orchid garden... for some reason there are these little super-steep stone ramps for getting between the areas and at the precipice each time i thought “i’m not going to make it”.

Towards the end of the festival i was standing with 5 lads all called Chris, they were passing around a bag of coke and we were watching Wu-Tang Clan. I set my drink down and walked away. I wandered over towards the pink stage and sat down on the grass. Somebody sat down beside me. I’m not clear on what happened next but soon we were sitting with our legs entangled looking each other right in the eyes and talking very rapidly, very excited. She would say she would be going to find her friends, but instead we would sit there with one another and talk and talk and talk. Arca was on stage, who we both wanted to see, but we continued to sit there and talk to one other. She gathered herself together and got up and went to “check it out”. She said she’d be back and i said OK. shortly after, i gathered myself together and got up and said my farewell to her, to the crowd. I started to walk away but found myself standing face to face with her again. My throat was very dry. We went to a bar, I asked if they had pulque. I got two beers. We walked and talked, we met her friends for a moment and then we walked and talked some more and met more of her friends for a moment and walked and talked and walked and talked some more. We went to A$AP Rocky. talked and talked. we left the parque together and walked and talked and talked and talked. We held hands for a little, it felt natural, it just happened. We sat outside talking until like 5am. We got a taxi together, it left me at mine and took her to hers. She told me “i did not miss arca.” and “i did not miss my friends”. I told her “it was so nice to finally meet you”, and she said “finally, exactly”, and i will miss her.

On Sunday I read Valeriya’s tarot and then slept for hours. so dehydrated. you know how your body temperature is raised during a hangover? and the dehydration? these are less fun even than normal in the Spring climes of México city. i slept a lot. I’ll be flying home tomorrow and back to work on Wednesday, though i did just pour michelada all over my computer and break it so that’s a shame. Tomorrow I’m going to try to go to a bar near that girl’s old high school and drink pulque. She wrote down about it in my notebook.

I’ve made a savings pot called “Return to CDMX.”

It's good that the world didn't end.

Monday

• you know it turns out i did have a good time at that party
• made a new friend hopefully, who lives near by, would really like to be their real friend and i hope it happens
  • i did at one point call them a "vital, life-filled husk" which i hope only endears me to them
  • stunning personality
• couldn't sleep and watched a bunch of movies. 🎬. mole agent was potent.
• i mostly was a little dead. i was sick too, physically and mentally. i got some messed up news at work that i can't even think about rn.

Tuesday

• watched Aliens

  • my old mentor recently became the owner-operator of a brand new baby who has been named Ripley

  • james cameron wants you to respect your mother.

  • james cameron wants you to remember that capitalism sucks and mothers rule

• i'm writing this on Sunday, in a world away from all the shit that happened that i don't want to think about. 5555 miles away.
• i enjoyed the movie Lady Bird. it was nice to be able to watch a coming of age movie without wanting to kms every time there was an emotion. that's real progress.
• There is ketchup and lettuce in the burger.
• found out my notice period from work is 12 weeks lol, that's so long
• new friend told me they got glowing feedback about me from their oldest and closest friends
  • i'm also a huge fan of their oldest and closest friends. they are very funny and we laughed a lot. also one of them told me i have nice skin which is the biggest lie anyone has ever told anyone but it was still very touching.
• liz likes BIG rabbits, brace likes ROUND CHUNKY rabbits.

Wednesday

• in my dream there was a guy who believed in a COMPLETELY flat earth, like he didn’t believe in hills or any kind of incline or decline at all
• had an interview with mixcloud, it went fine.
• full of anger, bitterness, resentment, so fucking tired.
• was really depressed this day. just did not want to live, did not want to travel, did not want
• had so much left to do for my trip, didn't want to do any of it, very dark hole
• Madeleine Albright popped clog
• long furby

Thursday

• day off to pack for mexico
• spent a lot of the day lying very still and just unable to experience novelty
• i had shit i needed to sort out but, like,... for instance:
  • i needed to book a hotel room for my last night in mexico
    • i scrolled up and down a list of hotel rooms
      • no neurons fired
        • like, i just couldn't... think, no tengo any thoughts at all
• went for a lovely long walk
• suddenly became reacquainted with a girl i used to know when i was a teenager. i love her dearly. strange to be talking to her again. hopefully will meet with her in person in londres when i vuelva.
• anyway i got something thrown together as far as packing and went into a k-hole

Friday

• day of flight.
• woke up at 4am, finished packing, had a key of K
• at 6am i had a key of K and went to train station, all trains canceled
• went home, had a key of K and booked a taxi
• when the taxi arrived i had a key of K and got in
• got to the aeropuerto with plenty of time to spare
• went through security, drank a strawberry flavoured huel (disgusting), walked around
• went to the wrong gate, sat down and relaxed
• realized it was the wrong gate, panicked and ran
• made it to the plane on time
• sat in between two people, one moved though and i ended up with a window seat and a middle seat. quite nice. drank some wine. couldn't figure out how the plane worked. people kept getting brought drinks. i was too tired to talk to anyone.

viernes

• arrived in mexico. taxi from the aeropuerto was a wild time

  • i thought chicago traffic was nuts

  • fucker cut across like 3 lanes, massive turn, cars coming right at us, no seatbelt

  • at one point the driver switched lanes like half a second before a brick wall started separating the two lanes

  • and it was such a whip that i banged against the door

  • and the driver laughed like “haha, made it”

• hotel is lovely, incredibly central. HOTEL CASTROPOL, look it up.
• lovely room
• turns out you can download an app and then install an eSIM from it and then buy a data plan for that eSIM? futuristic shit? i have thousands of mexican megabytes now
• i have filled my hotel room with Clamato Cubano and beer and corn and tajín and valentina sauce. and tostados and frijoles refritos negros and beer. it's great here.

sábado

• having a terrible time not being able to communicate with people
• i accidentally stole breakfast
  • breakfast was meant to be included?
  • but i went to the restaurant and they handed me a menu with prices?
  • and so then i ordered food and ate it and then i couldn’t figure out how to pay ¿so i just left?
• walked for miles and miles and miles, had a lovely time, everything is beautiful and everyone is beautiful
• for the first time in 8 weeks i really want to smoke cigarettes. they all have their original branding here and there are lots of hot girls smoking cigarettes and eating corn and i want to be them.
• said "woof woof perrito" to a dog. it was creepy.
• i just walked around all day, occasionally eating some lime nuts and drinking clamato and a lot of water.
• back at the hotel room i got a call from the restaurant explaining that i had stolen breakfast. i went down and paid.
• things i've learned about myself being in a country where i do not speak the language
  • i hate not feeling in control of how people perceive me
  • i cannot stand not being able to communicate freely with people
  • the rudeness i feel not being able to speak spanish is 1:1 transferable to self-hate like amex points to avios
  • the alienation i've been feeling, the loneliness even in crowds or groups of people that are meant to be my friends, this has not been entirely alleviated by being surrounded by people i cannot talk to
• met a poodle who was wearing a pink nike sports cap
• talked to a man in the street trying to sell me something and we laughed a lot and he told me i am funny and it was fucked up what a huge relief it was for me hahaha
• tried to pick up my festival tickets from the ticketmaster in Liverpool (a department store)
  • i could not find the desk for AN HOUR and when i finally found it they had closed it 1 min ago (it closes 1 hour before the rest of the store)
  • when i walked up to the desk the person manning it said something, but i had headphones on and i didn't hear it.
  • i pushed one ear back and and was like "¿que?" and they glanced back up and said "Hasta mañana" and then looked back to their work. lol. cold as ice.
• walked forever. kept trying to find small money and elotes. eventually got small money. thought i found elotes.
  • there was a lady on the corner with a bucket full of boiling cobs
  • i walked right up to here ready to ask her cuánto
  • she did not look up
  • i guess they were her personal cobs¿?
  • i left her alone

domingo

• feeling a little better, have been speaking a little Spanish. sometimes have been doing gestures and then when the person says something like "ah, ¿otro?" or "ah, ¿¿todo bien??" i'm like "¡¡sí!!" so that's been good. i just have no confidence to speak, even when i know what to say, even if it's something like "lo siento no entiendo" my voice literally hides down my throat behind something, feels like it's tucked in behind a throat bone and i can't even vocalize. really funny
• went out for a walk, had a latte, made some music
  • i've been walking around with a cassette recorder recording background sounds, and am making some music with that. which reminds me, i recorded somebody playing a trumpet and should put that in the sampler
• i think i accidentally left the restaurant a terrible tip. this is an improvement on leaving them no tip, as i did yesterday. i'm having a really hard time understanding the money. i think the bellhop also was expecting a tip when i got into the room. i feel like a bad guest. it's okay though.
• i know there is a negative tone to a lot of the bullet points here so i will clarify that i am incredibly happy here. very comfortable. it feels very homely. i don't want to leave. milk is delicious here. everything comes with lime. there is so much corn and joy and music. i'm so happy. sunday is not yet over, and i suppose i should be more thorough about taking notes this week because too much should have happened by this time Sunday next that it will be too much to type up !! ok i need to go buy a travel adapter.

xx love you