sunday…

after the zoo i don’t remember.

tuesday night we went out and had dinner with becky. it was lovely but then after becky left sofia and i had a fight and she left and went to the airport. she came home about 7am.

i did some work i found worthwhile this week. i have high hopes.

went out with people on friday night. saw keran. was good shit. did have a fucked up conversation with someone, but am trying to ignore it.

apart from that… we finished Lodge 49. don’t know what else. oh i got a OB-4 at a discount.

we’re in Brighton today. that beach needs a few more thousand years. the sand is too big. we stood at the ocean’s mouth listening to classical music and taunting it. we’re at brewdog brighton now.

you wouldn’t believe how much i hate myself at the moment.

hi. week was nice.

mostly worked and didn't leave the house, sofia went on adventures during the day. on Friday night we used a voucher to get a hundred fifty pounds worth of alcohol from Majestic. there was a beer tasting event. lots of people. the brewery representative said "hasta luego" when we left. on saturday we went to the zoo. i met the coati who is my favourite animal now. i invited him to jump into my coat and i would bring him home and feed him fresh bees in honey every day, and also mangos. he considered it, i think, but it's better the devil you know. coati has a big long snout and a bright pink nose upturned at the end. met val, sofia and her got on very well. two tiny friendly ladies. then sofia and i walked down past nelson and large benjamin and sofia enjoyed westminster very well.

on hallowe'en i hid inside my house. i sent some people post cards typed on the typewriter, and sent orla foster a letter typed on yellow paper. happy birthday orla. got a nokia 3210 in the post, taught it colonel bogey's march. did some work, it went well. i was ahead of schedule but then i tortoise and hared it and now i'm behind schedule again. it's all good. good things happening at work. feeling helpful. it's nice.

went out for dinner with miss mccrispy at garlic & shots. had garlic, had shots. ate several bulbs. laughed plenty. mccrispy and i won over an incredibly unimpressed waiter by the end. went shopping at the graphic centre for paper and tape. went to ace & tate and i picked some frames, but i haven't been able to get them yet because i didn't bring my whole prescription. going for a pair of gold dust large ninas.

met sofia at the airport. we went for dinner and wandered around for hours. dinners and breakfasts and wandering around; never quite managed to get drunk. lots of city left. i'm really sleepy today. it's good. i haven't done so much in such a short time in so long. but i need to get better at explaining when i need to be alone or focus on something.

anyway, it's time for the end of the night.

x

not much left in this year

• i think if there was a pill that would kill me in exactly 300 days but had no other symptoms, i would take it
  • it would be so much easier to budget my time if i knew how much i had
  • i’d take all my credit out and quit my job
  • maybe i should just pretend i’m going to die at the end of every quarter of the year
• i’m sitting outside on the New Bench.
  • a little old lady at the church just invited me inside to see some adults getting baptized. “they’ve got a bishop coming down”! i asked coming down from where but she did not know
  • there are a lot of people turning up now. i guess it’s huge
  • wild to get baptized so close to all hallows.
  • i wouldn’t open myself up to be entered by God when there are so many other spirits so close to the Earth
• a girl at work gifted me a typewriter this week. i’ve written two postcards on it that are on their way to North America. let me know if you want to go on my christmas card list
• my posts have been late and shorter the past few weeks because i’m far away from myself. it’s winter soon, the nights have drawn all the way in, i don’t know what it will be like. i’ve done poorly in recent winters. i’ll need a project, a routine, a clean and tidy household, irish stew.
• been thinking about fighting a deer to the death. seems like i shouldn’t eat an animal if i wouldn’t be able to deal with the unalienated reality of it.
• i like it when you say hello to a dog in the street and it kisses you with a sniff
• sofia is coming to london for a month. it’s hard to understand what’s right and wrong out here so far beyond tradition. all i figure i can so is be as honest possible and then leave people to make their own decisions, that’s what it looks like i think…
• i had a dream last night where i was trying to express something to some people in the same dream (we’d all arrived in this one dream) but as i was talking it i stopped being able to speak, my mouth stopped working like it was injected with a analgesic so i made some paper and a pen (we all knew we were dreaming) and i wrote down “don’t worry about the rules: figure out what you want and then figure out how to get it as quickly as possible while introducing the least amount of new pain into the world” but in the dream that only took 9 words
• can you believe it’s only 6p.m.?
• bye

ok

• doing lots of research for next album, it is almost all i'm doing
  • long_distance_telephone_(computer_music)
  • stay tuned
• had some real anxiety days
• been reading about midi guitars
• went into the office and saw some people, got given a 16-inch laptop my work, it's really big. it's 2.1kg
• broke up with my girlfriend
• i don't normally talk about work except for when i occasionally post "little think about bigglywinks" but i'm pretty excited about it right now. i don't have any more to say about that.
• the first computer music might well have been made by alan turing on a computer called the manchester baby, or "the baby machine". he played some pitches and rhythms. it was improved by chris strachey later who made it sing god save the king to the bbc.
  • in school he "showed signs of brilliance" but "performed poorly". he went to college and "neglected his studies" switched subjects a few times and then had a nervous breakdown after realizing he was gay
• see you later chicken

• worked
• wrote some code
• made music
• learnt some max
• went out for dinner with becky avery
• met some people at a bar and hung out with them for a while
• went out for a drink with lau
• noticed my computer was missing 100gb, couldn't find it. it seemed to be lost between partitions
• reformatted. still setting it back up
• had a lot of anxiety yesterday and didn't leave bed. same today.
• I really need a break

had a good week, but having a difficult time in general.

went into the office and helped carry a sofa down the stairs so we could create a new space for living and working in together. afterwards i went to harry's and got my prawn cocktail. afterwards i went to a bar and started a fight with some insurance guys.

mostly just wrote code and made music, and at the weekend i got drunk.

someone told me they listened to CORN and they love how i “sculpted” my kicks and i feel like a crook and a swindler because i’ve never sculpted a kick in my life.

don't know what else to say.

i'm meant to be alone