On Thursday evening a sente a 7-minute long voice note to my ex. On Friday morning i awoke to a 7-minute long voice note from my ex. I booked a flight to Mexico. I had a nap. I felt the doom. I cancelled the flight the and hotels. I recieved another voice note. She's met someone. A sense of relief washed over me. To my surprise I'm so happy she is being taken care of by somebody who loves her and i feel free.

On Saturday morning I ent to Hackney to get my goodbye tattoo. It's a little girl rabbit holding a cat like it's a baby. Neither of them are capable of looking after the other. My artist was a very lovely person and it was a pleasure to spend a morning with her while she stabbed me repeatedly in the forearm.

Went from there to Finsbury Park to Benjamin's birthday. I was the first to arrive, though I was several hours late. There were lovely people, many of whom had 4 letter names. We went to Benjamin's house afterwards for a party in one of the warehouse districts. Saw Pixie, which was nice.

I borrowed a Spanish guitar from a Spanish girl in the street, her name was Elsa. I sang Stray Cat Strut for her, I fell down onto my knees. She asked me if i'd like to come to her home and i said no. I went by her apartment for a party later, but she wasn't there. I had an entire relationship with another lady in the length of time it took for us to go to the shop for diet coke. We unexpectly started holding hands on the way to the shop, we stopped in at a bar on the way home and danced to karaoke, then we made out some, then we agreed not to make out any more and to go our separate ways.

Some guy broke the lock on their door in the night and stole a bicycle, the bicycle was recovered but the lock was broken for good. I went to B&Q and got them a new lock. The locks in B&Q are kept behind padlocks, you have call for assistance from an assistant to unlock the locks. They have a key cloning machine in B&Q, but the keys they sell with the locks they sell can't be cloned using their key cloning machine. They sell a screwdriver whose packaging requires a screwdriver to open. I don't know what's going on over there. I mean i'd had a lot of ketamine but i think this is reality's problem, not mine.

Those warehouses are a unique cultural event that should be chronicled, imho. I hope somebody is doing it. The next day we hung out on a red couch in the street taking ketamine. We went up on the roof for a while, and it was okay but it was no red couch on the street with R in a shopping trolly. Once I'd been awake for around 36 hours and my body was an empty shell being carried around by cocaine and corona, i popped into a quick k-hole and rebuilt the world from white light and first principals and came back and then I went to support EL and see her at the party she was running in Bonkers. I fell asleep in a crowded room at the afterparty and woke up alone at 5am.

I'm back in my house and working now, still wearing the same dress I left the house in for the tattoo at 7am Saturday. I've sweated so much, i will be peeling this dress off. I may have to call the fire brigade to cut me out of it. I managed to keep a hold of nearly all my belongings this weekend, and not be self-destructive even though i drank a lot and snuffled chemicals i'd never even heard of before. Life is good again and there are good people in it.

what is there to say about this week? hmm… ¿qué pasó?

¿Qué fue lo que pasó?

i got a new telephone from i filed an insurance claim. here was the whole claim:

I lost my phone while walking through London.

and then i paid £109 and they sent me a brand new apple telephone. getting drunk enough to lose my phone that was completely smashed to pieces with only half a working screen worked out well.

other events of the week included taking two mental health days off work because i felt like my mind was going to snap in two. though i did attend a couple of meetings on each of those days.

i quadrupled down on learning spanish, i'm tentatively planning a trip back to méxico. i got a little book of mayan and aztec tales that's printed like this:

|‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾|‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾|
|         |         |
| english | español |
|         |         |
|_________|_________|

lb tells me that's called "parallel text". it's really nice to be able to read as much as you can in Spanish and then glance over and see the one word you don't know. i looked for other parallel text books and i saw one for children with two rabbits on the cover. they looked like they were kissing. the book was called "te amo". i cried my little eyes out. i turned off my computer and went outside and sat on a bench with a bottle of red wine on my knees, though i didn't drink any of it. i didn't even open it. i sat in the sun on my little bench by the church and a nice lady sat beside me and talked to me about the sun and the bench.

i've organized to meet with a tutor on tuesday. on-line. though they are in london. they actually used to live just round the corner from me until last month! ¡qué coincidencia!

on friday night i had a dream that sofia had text me out of the blue to help her pick between two pairs of shoes. it was nice until i woke up. on saturday i lay on the sofa thinking about how nice it would be to go outside, or even into la cocina, but never really was able to move until i decided i'll get dressed and go and buy a bottle of dry pink wine. once i was dressed, the wine shop was already closed and i was cute for no reason. at least i made some music. on saturday night i had a dream that sofia had text me out of the blue to tell me she thought it wasn't too late and we should talk. we had a nice chat and then i woke up. last night i did not sleep, which is great porque if you don't sleep then you can't wake up. i remember abigail once telling me she hates dreams because if they are bad then they're bad, but if they're good then you wake up and they're over and they weren't real. haha. jajaja. today i will put that outfit back on and go to the wine shop and buy a dry pink wine, then i will go to a bench or a park and make some music.

i made a new keyboard layout that makes it easier to write in spanish.

if i type ' and then a o e o i o o o u then it will give me a á etc if i type ~ and then ! or ? i get the ¡¿ ~ and then n give me ñ and " and then u gives me ü but pressing them before anything else it just types them normally i will almost certainly typeof == ündefined" at some point but other than that it's lovely

el diá de los pingüinitos nos hace a ambos muy tristes.

i like the number 22. i hope you had a happy week 22 everyone. i wish you a happy week 23.

This is probably going to be a long one. It should be, anyway. Let's see. It's lucky i'm cute because i am so stupid.

a ver.

i don't know about the week, pero on friday i was feeling lousy and ugly and bloated and so i went for a walk. the walk was fine, but i felt so ugly and yucky and grosss and so i jumped on a random train, the next one pulling into the station. it was a cannon st. i got out and went towards the seahorse. i had one drink there and then i needed to pee, and not feeling confident enough to use the gendered bathroom so i went to work and peed there. i didn't have my pass with me so it took a little sweet talking to get in.

despues i walked out and let the night take me. every toime a light turned green i crossed the road. it wasn't too many roads later that i spotted someone pouring an entire bottle of red wine into a half-empty bottle of pepsi max. i shouted "kalimotxo!" and he asked if i'd like to meet 200 people. I followed him to the pavilion while he explained he was at a cultural meetup at the Tate Modern with 200 people that was organized by a guy who owns a bar and that after these cultural meetups people go to the bar he owns to buy drinks. clever. when i had stepped outside to have a cigarette i had a short chat with an older man in spanish, which was exciting for me. su esposa es colombiana pero vive en londres, tiene dos hijas pero ambas viven en california. at the end of the night there was david, oxana, louise, a guy who looked like tom cruise called Val, and me. they wanted more night. i brought them to the seahorse. there was karaoke. i sang where is my mind by the pixies. i killed it. we danced, we sang. i met some other people who brought me to popworld, but things got super weird and confusing. though a nice italian girl called ilaria drew a heart on my face with permanent marker. but yeah, they all fell out with each other or something weird and then they left.

after popworld i purchased a bottle of patron and walked across london bridge. i stood in the very middle of the bridge listening to snow tha product at the top volume of my ob-4 speaker, pouring myself shots. once i carried on down the road past the bus stop i put an order in for a taxicab, but then i met un grupo de hombres colombianos and stopped to chat with them in spanish. they did not speak much english, and of course i only have so much spanish. it was a lot of fun chatting to them. both parties at the limits of our knowledge of the other language, finding new ways to communicate and staring right in the eyes to confirm the meaning was getting across. i spent an hour with them drinking patron en la calle.

after that i woke up in lawn chair in borough market. i didn't know borough market had lawn chairs until i woke up in one. it was time for breakfast, and so i went to padre for tacos. yo compre tres tacos al pastor and wet upstairs on the bleachers to eat them. they had real mexican limes.the meat is not slow cooked, like al pastor should be, but it was very very tasty. it was at this moment my telephone chose to produce for me a video slideshow of my time in mexico last year. sofia looked so happy, i looked so happy, we were both so happy. i started crying, very very messy crying. very ugly. i learned that if you are crying your eyes out in public that very nice girls will come over and ask if you need anything. girls rule. i explained to each girl that i was just at that moment processing a 3 month ago breakup because of the tacos. i didn't need anything, thank you lila and biker chic girl. once i'd finished crying i went to la farmacia a comprar some new eyeliner because i had cried all my eyeliner off. walking through borough market reapplying my eyeliner without a mirror i thought actually do need something. a makeup mirror. i stopped by at one of the cheese retailers to consider at length which would be the largest cheese i could fit in my mouth at once. a nice american lady named Jewel filmed me purchasing a very large £7 cheese and trying to fit it in. i nearly choked. my fingers still smell like cheese. it was quite nice cheese. i had a chorizo sandwich from brindisa. i went to the market porter. i defended catholicism to a protestant boyfriend of a catholic girl. a lot of my memories of the day are missing. i was kissed on the lips by an argentinian trans girl at the empanadas stand. eventually i met a nice pair of girls called claire and meg in the market porter and we talked for hours about dogs and life. it was time to go home. i went to the new cross inn. i helped a man understand what being trans means. eventually he tried to support me and help me get home and told me that he was going to be there for me. i did not appreciate it and i asked him to leave me alone, he became forceful and i grabbed him by the hair and pushed him away. i was ejected from the new cross inn. outside there was a very cute couple who brought me for pizza and fish burgers. they were adamant we would see eachother again but we never will. it's one of the best things about london. you will never see anyone again. you can go out and make hundreds of mistakes, build and burn a thousand bridges, and then tomorrow you will wake up and there will be a thousand more. it's one of the worst things about london. it's lonely. it's why i'll never leave.

i woke up a few hours later walking, i don't remember starting to walk. i don't remember losing my phone. all i had was a loaf of bread, a bag of coffee beans, and an aluminium saucepan. i walked from new cross to blackheath. i took a lot of wrong turnsl it took hours. i am home now, hundreds of pounds poorer and without a phone. i've been talking to a nice weirdo from tinder on telegram but i think i shared too much of myself and it is over now. walking home i kept repeating to myself "necesito volver a mexico". maybe it's true. i was happy in mexico. yo era feliz.

data is fake

Twenty-twenty-three is kinda slow for a modern year, isn't it? That's nice. We should do something. We could have another Meeting. Or a picnic. I'd like to have a picnic. I'd like to get one of those cute picnic baskets they sell at Selfridge's.

On Thursday night I went out for dinner with becky avery at Naïfs in Peckham. It's a lovely little restaurant with great food, Ocho tequila and cute, fun staff on an otherwise residential road remarkably close to that alley I spent an evening in smoking crack with two homeless ladies in the inconstant summer of '21. We went to Fox & Firkin afterward to watch some synthpop which started very well but each act was less convincing than the last and it was no more than 10pm when it was already bedtime. My every day thereafter has been better because I had such a nice time eating ruffage and talking silly with becky avery.

Other than that this week I've played the Zelda and watched TV constantly to mollify the relentless chatter of regret and worthlessness. I slept all day Sunday. I had good dreams.

went out on tueday night to my favourite bar in lewisham the fox & firkin. i realized i was comfortable there so i went home and changed into a dress which was my first time wearing a dress with no leggings or sweatpants underneath in london. then i made friends with the staff there and after it closed we went to do karaoke at the new cross inn until 3am. it was a good time.

i find myself suddenly saying aloud "i hate myself" or "i wish i was dead" quite a lot at the moment. i've spent much of the week trying to come up with reasons to continue living and failing. i literally have googled "reasons to live" and read some lists, none of them are particularly compelling i think the thing that keeps me going is the the fear of an afterlife.

i got sick on friday and watched all the karate kid movies and played zelda. what happened to the fish girl from breath of the wild? did she survive? i can't remember. i hope she did, i miss the fish girl.

maybe i'll think about going to italy. the land of espresso, spaghetti, SEBs and cured meat. maybe that is something to focus on. maybe that is a reason. oh that reminds me i made a little café con leche and have lost it somewhere in my apartment.

i can't believe i'm still sick. i noticed something respiratory going on with it late last evening. might be worse than i thought when i thought it might be hayfever.

#NATSTATWEEK It's national stationery week next week. should we go and buy some pencils? perhaps some pens? some midori paper? some binders? some rulers? some cases? some scissors?

I went to the cinema on Tuesday evening to watch How To Blow Up A Pipeline (2022). Good movie with a solid argument for how and why you should blow up an oil pipeline as a matter of self-defence on behalf of the human race against oil companies. Rating: 🐰🐰🐰🐰 4 rabbits.

On Wednesday I went back to the cinema to watch Aliens (1986). Was fun to see in the cinema. I wish there was not a character called J. VAZQUEZ whose name is printed in friendly white letters on bottom right hand corner of many shots. One of James Cameron's top twenty movies about motherhood. Fun to see it on The Big Screen. Rating: 🐰🐰🛸 2 rabbits and a UFO.

Next weekend I will finally be in Leeds. I'm going up for a conference but staying for the weekend. That's next weekend. This weekend I am playing Final Fantasy 6, watching movies, and making snacks. And tidying my apartment and getting all my clothes washed before my great peregrination by railroad beyond civilization far north above the Thames. I'm meant to be coming back on Sunday but the Leeds Everyman is screening Clueless on Sunday night so I might have to wait until Monday. Are there trains from Leeds to London during a coronation?

Silence, knave! You stand in the presence of octopus royalty!

I took 34 black and white photos on a cheap point-and-shoot film camera but the film snapped while I was rewinding it so they are forever gone. It's a shame. We will try again.

Nothing else to report. It's time to put on a little moka pot of mocha-java and see where the day takes me.

Happy International Workers' Day.