just pulled into Three Bridges. always makes me think of ac. we spent some time
together here when we were teenagers. on the platform and among the daffodils.
last night, in the middle of the night, i woke up and i wrote in big letters on
my whiteboard βGO TO THE WATERβ. i think itβs important to follow instructions
from yourself, especially those that were passed on from the witching hour. i
slept late as part of a project to try and regain control of my mental
faculties. they have been missing and/or damaged since at least
w27. maybe earlier? when was the last time i was present in this
world without that wax film between me and you?
part of the procedure has been banishing the human spoken voice as
entertainment from my home. no television, no YouTube, no podcast. read book
at night on kobo lights off 1% flavescent backlight fall sleep. other sound
from bjΓΆrk and many artists i found through soulseek in decade 2 and from biiiy
and all that jangle indie (gangpol, rilo, capsule, gong, dat politics, of
montreal) and repeatedly KNOWER im the president.
i saw KNOWER at KOKO this week. took 3 hours to get there, 2 hours to get home.
it was a good show but i was anxious and nowhere to place my human body which i
regret making and getting inside sometimes. perhaps to deconstruct and
reconstruct? perhaps to walk into the sea? destroy build destroy? as above so
below?
so we go to the water, we go to the water. and we will wake up at the seaside.
yes and so, i woke up and then i got on a train to brighton. and iβm staying
overnight. i went down by the stones and water and sat and looked out into it
crashing against the shore. and i let it run up to my knees. and i tried to
remember what feeling is like or how it starts. i know it used to fill me up,
shivering against my lungs and all my blood and bones all shaking and it was me
in solitude or with god or in the sky or a point in spacetime or all the orb
and grass and sabre tiger and corn and red dirt and pyramids. but now, nothing.
pressure, stress. something in my gooey membrane. all wet eyes and heavy with
shooting pains when i try to sleep. and my neck crunching when it turns. and no
focus, and like my brain inflamed too big to fit inside my skull bones.
this week was my first week at my new job. tradition dictates i donβt really
talk about my job while i work at it. this will continue for now, though it may
grow more challenging as it may intertwingle with my regular life in a way
other jobs have not. what i will say, though, is that i donβt recall a time
that i have felt luckier; i am honoured & thrilled.
i donβt know yet how to be in the world where a symbol i have venerated is
made, in part, of me. hope iβm worth the money.