the fifth week of the year. the first of february. i’m on a train to paris. i was meant to be on a bus to paris but then the left leg broke on my glasses. we’ll get to that when we get to that.

the last time we met i was older than he’d ever be. that’s strange feelin, right? any time you meet someone younger than you, you might be older than they’ll ever be. anyway.

my notes from the start of the week seem to indicate that my intention not to go insane is proving to require more adroit focus than i’ve been giving to it. will require intensional, purposeful, ritual. that’s not an oxford comma.

if i get much cuter i’m gonna end up stabbed.

i met pvh and orion for coffee. i went to newspeak house to get mimi’s raincoat. i boarded a bus, i boarded a train, i tunneled through a chunnel and emerged in brussels. i attended fosdem.

i noly got misgendered once the whole time i was in brussels. it was within 5 mins of the one time i left the hotel when i wasn’t dressed like a filthy slut. lesson learned. won’t catch me slippin again. cold outside, dressin like a thottie.

oh that reminds me that sweet and beautiful Val took me to see a harpist play the harp last week and gave me a little mushroom and it was quite wonderful and moved some shapes around.

i was super up in my head and spiraling in confusion over the weekend and tired and hungry and sleepy and shaky at the expense of everyone around me.

but then, something clicked. it’s all chill now. everything seems clear and easy. i get it.

i enjoyed wandering around with marcel talking about this and that on sunday. strange to meet somebody else with a relationship to turbopascal, delphi.

i have many sore muscles in my shoulders and back. i have learned of muscles i was not previously acquainted with. they have never introduced themvelves until now. some kind of eurostar-specific muscle.

i’ll arrive in Paris. 7 hours later i will take a train to Barcelona. and 20 hours later i will leave for Madrid. then a bus to Chinchon. then the tiring part of the month will begin. then i’ll come home and find an apartment and move house.

i think we will soon be pulling into Gare du Nord, so i will bid you farewell for now. we will speak again next week when i have been rode hard and put away wet.

you could draw a cat

are ye well? ‘cause you’re looking well.

restless night. an hour here, an hour there. the last time i woke up, i woke up smiling. so that time i stayed up.

monday was a classic md/cd. i sat in a corner. we completed some tasks. dns. good day. help in both directions and big smiles. and eggs benny with seasonal veg. there’s nothing else on the menu. gotta check thoroughly every time though. twoticks.

on tuesday i had a minor pizza meltdown. and a light went out. and it came back on.

wednesday was chill. a really good work day. a good friend day too.

i have a scar on the back of my left hand.

Vicki Firth told me it looks like two rabbits having a picnic. and it kinda looks like a rabbit’s face straight on too.

it’s from the top of a clipper lighter. i was doing a manufacturing engineering course at a kind of community college. a guy called McGirr asked if he could scar my hand with a clipper lighter and i said sure. he heated it up and stuck it into my hand.

not reacting at all when i am in physical pain has been a longstanding trait of mine. i don’t know if it has some roots in a fear of vulnerability or something, but it isn’t conscious. i point it inward naturally. maybe it’s related to how i experience music, standing still in the middle of the dance floor. maybe it’s related to the pain eating. it’s caused some minor trouble in relationships from time to time. i’ve learned that calmly saying “im in a lot of pain right now btw” can be a lot more unsettling and surprising than shouting “ow!!”. nevertheless, it’s how it comes out.

i really loved mcgirr.

we were inseparable for a little while, we looked up to each other. in a way i was kind of a mentor to him. but we were peers too, as always. i loved him dearly. i looked him up a few years ago and he’s dead. got on a boat in the middle of the night and the boat came back and he didn’t.

he’d sometimes say to you by way of hello “are ye well? ‘cause you’re looking well” and it always made my skin tingle.

sometimes a feeling creates a moving space inside your body that can be filled up by a word. a word that slots in just right can still the chaos and can bridge feelings that seem far away from each other, contradictory, orthogonal. timing is important, because stilling the motion too early can lead to misdiagnosis, denial. now there is a wide space in here, with darts of light flashing-searching about (like hest). and the space has expanded to encompass my entire interior. i could put it in my pocket if i knew what it was. words like boxes, forming jewels, making jewellery, lockets and pocket watches. no.

no, that’s not working.

let’s try another angle. a decade ago i saw a tweet that said “boys don’t sit around all day wishing they were girls”. and then there was a follow up that said some other words and “that’s all trans means”. and i said “hmm” and closed my laptop and took my lunch break and ate two spicy chicken sticks and decided not to think about it. but then i started thinking about stuff like how as a teenager i’d bought my parents birthday cards “from your loving daughter”. and over time i started to see that “trans” had never seemed like an option because it appeared to come with extra stuff that wasn’t me. but once i understood it only meant this one thing, i could define what else it meant for me. shortly after that there was hormones and thin skin and all these boobs and shirt dresses and torn leggings and “i am that bitch, chipped nails and chapped lips. batshit, ratchet”. but what i’m saying, sometimes you’ve known a word a long time and it doesn’t fit where it should because you’ve been using it wrong.

no, that’s not right either. let’s try again another time.

thursday night was the FoC event. it was really special. the energy was so good. look what we did. there’s an 80 second stretch of it that i keep replaying with a big smile on my face because it’s like, “that’s how it works”. the speakers were all so perfect, and the energy was so respectful and joyful. the FoC podcast and community kindly paid for the pizza and drinks. i am so grateful to the community, to jimmy and ivan, to lu, to mimi.

it’s a story. every day. remember when Snow said “I ain’t gonna fuck with nobody that don’t wholeheartedly fuck with me”? the wholeheartedly. it really matters.

really need to make sure i eat a meal before going out to events because i keep going kind of insane during. and by the time we’re at the chitter-chatter i’ve already fallen asleep internally. sleeping in there peeking out from behind my eyeballs like a mimir. there are a few people i like a lot who have only met me in that state and i feel like the version of me in their head is so strange.

saturday night me and sweet becky avery went out to see Josh Johnson at the Palladium. it was a great show. it was a good night. it was so nice to see Becky. travelling home i was glowing, smiling, dancing while i walk. smiling at strangers, and they smile back.

later i was on the train, and a drunk crowd got on. i heard them saying something about it being hot on the train, like a steam room. they nattered on a bit. i kept on readingmy book, slightly alert. 10 or 20 secs later one of them turned to me, made eye contact and said “that’s alright love you don’t have to take your clothes off— you don’t have to take your clothes off darling —”. i pulled back one ear of my headphones and inquired “are you trying to communicate with me?” and then he said “wait i think it’s a geezer” and then one of the other ones said “poor girl”.

next week (1st feb) i’ll be writing from belgium. or on my way to france. the next it’ll be from a convent in spain. and the week after that from another world.

thanks

this week i noticed that i can no longer believe that at one time in my life i wanted to die. stoked to be alive. i’m currently accepting applications for someone to be obsessed with me, turn on read reciepts and text me constantly.

incessantly.

need to get my little lobes pierced. i only ever got the left lobe pierced when i was in school. and then later re-pierced by a girl i’d just met on the condition that she could keep “the worm”.

it had closed over, and she told me “you just have to push out the worm >:))”

“can i repierce your ear?? >:)??? can i keep the worm??? >:)))”

she went to the kitchen got an ice cube and a safety pin. jerome handed over his lighter. her name was sophie. i held the cube against my lobe, she sat on the other side of the room holding the pin over the heat. staring at me like i was made entirely of worms.

”>:))) is it cold?? >:]”

she crawled toward me on her hands and knees, moving all too quickly on all fours. and she shoved the pin clean through. we’d met about an hour before this, and i never saw her again. i don’t know how we ended up in her house. it’s weird i’ve never typed the words “sparkly-eyed brunette” in an entry. i say it multiple times a day and have for several years.

feels like i kept falling out of moving vehicles and landing on another that was moving faster. until i landed in the back of that truck full of hay for eight years. but the hay rotted and the bugs came out. jumped from that, right off the bridge, to the river below. and now i’m going a whole other way. towards a waterfall.

cory doctorow accidentally e-mailed me a talk proposal yesterday. it turns out there are other people called chee. on ivan’s recommendation i responded with a round of feedback. which was certainly the funny thing to do, and i’m glad that i did.

the week ahead: 🔴🐝🌰🟢👩‍💻🎭🛌

this year:

staying petty, gettin rich. dressy bessy, cherry lips. never stressing, never sweating, never ever negative. my bestie lb’s wedding trip. sweaty betty velvet leggings, reckless spending—Selfridges.

honestly, more likely be a…

thrifted 00s noodle strap dress, or

hip high socks and boots and black vest, and

a skimpy knock off Juicy track set.

hot pink. it’s a thot thing. like bud light ritas and hot wings.

sundays in particular are the day where i just sit around like “google maps, scooby snacks, tawt i taw a puddy tat; computer lab, supermax, scooter tracks (like Move Your Ass); move on past the stupid plan to booby trap her scuba mask; sewer rats, looking at, cooking apps, pulling back, losing track, wooden vase, runescape looting bags;”

this evening i joined a live recording of the feeling of computing podcast. i stg i love ivan reese so much that sometimes i feel as though i might shiver until i burst. it was an enjoyable way to spend some hours. i look forward to continuing to be alive.

finding a new place to live is proving challenging. everywhere is twice the price and half the size. maybe i should leave london. but where would i go? shetland? liverpool? devon? there’s nowhere in the world but london. except perhaps mexico. who should probably annex LA soon. i guess there’s also that one spot near Dingle with the dunes and grass and sea; the most beautiful place in the world. where rona climbed into my tent and put eyeliner on me and kissed me and left the rimmel london jet black kohl behind when she went and we became pen pals before i became too much.

it’s a busy week ahead. i’m tired in the way one is when one has eaten poorly and slept badly for a week. cherries and rabbits, cherries and rabbits, cherries and rabbits. tonight i’ll pack one box of my life away, shower, lay out my outfit for the morning, and go bed early with a book.

hold it loose, don’t let go.

---

postscript:

— i am considering throwing a PS3, a PS4, an xbox 1 and a wii u in the trash. it was extremely foolish to come into posession of items of any kind.

lol i have so many items. i have two desks, i have multiple chairs, i have a 3 seater sofa, i have a kitchen table. i am emotionally attached to none of it, i never wish to see any of it again. i may simply never return from madrid. belief: if i didn’t need it in spain i didn’t need it at all.

the luckiest rabbit in the world. the bigger the rabbit the luckier the feet. chee party oswald the lucky rabbit.

i am very sorry that the first [chee rabbits] was such a keen disappointment to everyone. hereafter we will aim for a younger character. peppy, alert, saucy and venturesome, keeping [her] neat and trim

yes, a spot of the usual trouble. blinking in the light type trouble. tap-tap-tap at the bloody window pane type trouble.

oh, but. the week. it started harder than expected. of course my ex wrote an open letter to me on her blog to let me know that she’d moved on. and so i read that and then i got a call from the mexican groceries store to tell me that they were out of the salsa roja. and then i noticed in my e-mails that my landlord has activated a no-fault eviction and i’ll be out at the beginning of march.

this is rather inconvenient. i’d been planning on making huevos divorciados para desayuno de mañana. jajaja. for real though, the timing is quite poor. this apartment is so cheap for the size of it. i have all this furniture. i’m going to belgium at the end of the month, and spain for a week. and the train for 11 hours one time (that part’s going to be wonderful).

so into boxes go my lives again. and how much of this can i commit to the garbage? and why did i buy such a large sofa? everywhere on rightmove (hi, alice) is +50% the price and -50% the size, what on earth is a little rabbit supposed to do? put it all in boxes, have a look. take all this furniture apart.

i finished piranesi. it’s very good. hurt. that scratching on the inside of the skin. you should read it too so i can use it as a metaphor when we are talking.

the biggest life changes are those little things that lower the background radiation of frustation on a permanent basis.

dr basman took me out for a late brunch at the wolsley, smoked salmon and scrambled eggs and a lovely afternoon. the next morning me and lu and mimo went through the foc submissions. afterwards i sent everybody a little e-mail. i am excited about the it.

when i look around this room my heart breaks a little bit. the healthiest portion of my life so far took place in here. the most stable. a couple of relationships. the best music i ever made too. so much of what i am now started between these walls. i’ve been here longer than i’ve been anywhere other than my parents place as a kid. the next chapter is set to be very special, very strange. this winter can hold on to the sentimental bits of 2026. january seems darker and colder than december. take those off the wall. wave goodbye to broken mirrors? one of them came with me all the way from london bridge.

the black square on the bathroom floor tells me i’ve transitioned from the red box with stripes to the mustard section. i don’t think i’ve been in the mustard since 2017. 2026 ain’t ready for this bitch.

what’re we doing after this?

hello

it’s me

it’s ya girl

much <3 from ya girl

• as the end of the year drew near i said no to an instance of certain chaos
• hung out with an old friend on a facetime video call
  • it was special
  • nice to see an old friend
• hung out with a new friend on a facetime video call
  • it was special
  • nice to have a new friend
  • she did my astral chart and gave me the business
    • a decade of internal confusion is drawing to a close
    • it will be followed by a decade of external confusion
      • i’m leaning into this by becoming an esoteric public figure
• at midnight i drew 14
  • one for each month and two for the theme
  • it said the magnum opus
    • time to work, time to focus
    • all my dreams and wishes will come true
  • so that’s good news
  • sometimes you just need a little page
  • sometimes you can be the little page
• trying to find a one piece swimsuit with shorts that will cover the most horrifying parts of my body in case i decide to go swimming in the ice cold water in the swimming pool
  • in spain
    • next month!!!
• hold it loose, don’t let go
  • broken rules, don’t let go
    • golden goose, don’t let go
      • holy book, focus group, closer look, photobooth
        • don’t let go
      • frozen food, spoke the truth, open book, social proof
        • don’t let go

what else? light week. worked a little. rested, made some music. wrote no software. i’m not quite ready for the year. i’m excited for it, i’m just not ready tonight. i’ll be ready tomorrow. it’s an extremely big year. extremely big year. i have to be entirely not insane for the longest uninterupted run of my life so far. risky business. gotta be good time after time like hermes trismegistus. keep on going. like a clippership with wind assistance. easy money. not quite in my grip, but it’s within spitting distance.

big year. 2026. the year. the year. who’s here in 2026? we here. i’m not even concerned about it i just got caught up rhyming. (sick and twisted. wicked witches. chicken gristle. disney princes. listed buildings. pickle lifter. lift and shift it. skinny dipper.) i’m super excited. my wardrobe is full and my heart is open and my mind is clear.

i’ve started reading Piranesi because two people i have warm feelings towards have recommended it to their audience amongst whom i count. it is very enjoyable and i am quite uncomfortable, and will likely finish it this evening or the next.

there are some aspects of returning to work tomorrow that i am absolutely thrilled about. i miss my colleagues.

i’ve booked an electrolysis consultation for the morning. my face skin has become so thin and soft that i now have a visible shadow on my upper lip at all times. and i can’t shave it because my skin is now so sexy and gentle that it gets rly irritated and then i have a red and black moustache. and there’s only so much you can do with colour correcting primer and industrial strength translucent powder.

this post is sponsored by baby lips cherry me.