hello, sweetness.

hope you had a feliz navidad.

one time i was at this music guy’s house on bow street. beside or above greens. we didn’t know each other very well, me and the music man. he taught somebody i knew, we’d met that morning in his house at the party. he was rly hung over, laying on the sofa, hair over his face to block out the light. that sort of state that can only be fixed by breakfast and sleep, but’s usually treated with buckfast back home. i was sitting on the floor on the other side of the room, back against the other couch. i reached out and plucked a few notes on his guitar that was laying there beside me. quiet suddenly, he spun around with an extremely serious expression on his face. he caught and locked my eyes, and with a kind of prosecuting tone he said “You have the funk inside you. Don’t you?”

it’s good when people say ludicrous things with a solemn tone. it happened one time this week too. though maybe in that case the solemnity was warranted because though it surface level goofy, there’s something underneath that’s truth deserving dignity.

i want to be in a biscuit tin where you’re the mouse and i’m the biscuit in the biscuit tin.

the christmas break is the longest time i’ve had off of work this year. i’ve not made the most of it, though i’ve put some music in. and also released a single called ritual. it’s on spotify, it’s on apple music too. i hope you like it. it’s good. there are two other tracks too. you’ve probably heard them before.

i have not enjoyed the christmas break so much, i am currently in a slump. not a slump as much as… idk i was really riding high for a little while there and now we’re in that pause between the build up and the pay off when everything’s all quiet. the night before the morning of the night before the morning after. it’s not my favourite part. the tension’s gone but there’s no release. everybody needs rest, and me too, but i wanna stay up all night gabbling about tomorrow. but i guess that’s how you end up getting stabbed in the heart by a girl on a horse, too sleepy.

“ugly girl” shirt and baseball cap, “ugly girl” brand 2-piece pyjama set, “ugly girl” brand socks, sneakers and wrist warmers. let me be.

this has been one of the strangest years of my life. turns out you can keep writing javascript and eventually you really will achieve salvation. it’s strange when life has such clearly demarcated chapters. in the airport in málaga that door shut, that life gone, no time to think about it ‘cause the new one’s here. from LAX to oplax. FoC to FoC. tiovivo alemán… kept from sleep; left FT. everything’s been happening, and not in sequence either. gantt chart getting taller and taller and wider and wider. you find yourself shouting “i like myself better when we are together” over the music, and in the day time you’re living in a dream. having the conversations you want to have, with the very people you’d choose to have them with if you were given the infinite option.

i’ve added an event to my calendar for march next year that says “i am in my extraordinarily late twenties.” MMXXVI is gonna be insane, though. all this stage setting. maybe there’ll be some more world war three! meanwhile… ldn, foc, rir and r&d.

I desire to have my face and hands made in wax with a piece of crimson satin thrown like a garment in a picture hair upon my head and put in a case of Mahogany with a glass before and fix’d up so near the place were my corps lyes as it can be with my name and time of Death

— sarah hare

girl, same.

waiting for the green light. heaven sent, destiny, party hard in harmony.

may your 2026 have more afk than brb.

unless you’d prefer it the other way. or another way. may it whatever you need & want in layers.

i’ve learned that people love me. i knew already that i love everybody. but i keep a space in between. when you’re talking to me, you’re talking to a proxy. LW and OR are setting themes for the year. i’ll set a theme too. maybe on nye i’ll start a fire and drink it. maybe i’ll draw 14 to 15 and let the ether/other/inner set it. read the tea leaves. but it’s together. i mean, i think. self-advocate, lead soft, unlearn futility, help 1, make art, steward/foster weird computer, call my friends friends, change the course of history. it’s together, i guess.

anyway.

good luck

$ mkdir src/entries/2026

we’re post o’clockalypse now, and it’s okay. a little muted. hard to do magic.

good ideas always seem obvious after, i’m under no illusion that it was obvious to get there. it’s like that feeling when mdma first kicks in and the clear light adjusts and you can see right through the middle of the dance floor to the other side of the room. movement is still.

i went to edinburgh this week briefly. up on wednesday, back on thursday. saw john from work and sweet as ever lily. at the same time unexpectedly. got my lip bars sized down. when i swap them out for black hoops it’s over for all these bitches.

if someone told me “i can play the bagpipes” i’d have to ask “how can you tell?”

yesterday i sat around for a while crying about patchwork. i think i’ll be crying in and about work for a little while now. it will mean good ends, but for a while it will be wet.

if that first scare had panned out they’d be thirteen next year.

let’s, you and i, film a masterpiece with a logitech quickcam express. tell no one about it, maybe throw it away.

aos
ch
rw
lvx

that sound

what is that?

is the tape clicking?

🦋 (the above on bluesky)

• watashi wa miku, miku
• oo ee oo
  • 私はミク
  • u i u
    • watashi wa miku, miku
    • ういう
      • i’m thinking miku, miku
      • oo eee oo
      • ∩ω∩

🦋 (the moon on bluesky)

it feels nice; like a coffee shop in the winter just before it closes. does it come back around? how? when? i can wait

ok

oh i almost forgot. the second softer software society social took place on tuesday and it was extremely special. it had big “we were there” energy. as though some day i’ll look back on it and say to myself “oh it was so obvious what was coming next” whatever that is.

talking about whatever that is:

• mimi and me and lu are putting on some foc events next year.
  • subscribe to the calendar.
• the first will be jan 22nd.
  • it’s fully booked now, but join the waitlist
• and/or come and demo something weird you did to the computer.
  • if you’re not sure it fits, it definitely does.
    • if you think nobody other than you would care, it’s perfect.
      • submit, submit, submit.

one of the worst photos of me taken in some time is now out in the world being seen so many times. it’s okay. i’ll recover.

i have to make some music now, and draw some pictures of rabbits on pieces of paper. i’m lucky enough to be having dinner with becky avery tomorrow. what did i do to deserve this?

and then it will be christmas. it seems like so long since i didn’t cook christmas dinner for someone. but i guess it was really only a few years ago, when i made the pozole. ritual is out next week too. you can presave it on spotify here: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/quietparty/ritual

i’ll start working on being there for hopefully a release along with fountayne and a few others early next year. i have a todo item in my notebook “unlearn the lessons of futility”. at the newspaper i learned to give up quickly and easily, because there was never any point fighting with anyone, because it would just go some inevitable way coming down from some powerful somewhere. and nobody would ever say that directly, it was always hidden behind words that made it sound like we were having a conversation. i had to learn that “i think” means something like “you shall”. any softness of language was an illusion. conflict avoidance. in reality there was no negotiation, no wiggle room. i have to unlearn that now, along with many of the other ways i learned to behave in order to be suitable for that environment. a different person is called for now. becoming this person will be a somewhat excruciatingly painful process.

but. in the meantime we shall christmas. linda mccartney roasts for everyone. and a large fish.

howdy daddy

i’m sitting on a train. i’ve just left cafe pacifico. someone outside charing cross said so much London in one sentence, maybe it was part of some kind of practical exam? “Oi! Hello! Hang on! It’s a bloody green man, isn’t it? You fucking cunt.”

well? hows u wee chick? hows tricks? u keepin well? aye. aye, same as me.

awk, poor wee thing you must’ve been scundered. ay, pobrecita.

what happened this week? i have the physical sensation inside me like i’ve been drinking litres of autumn and winter every morning. in a good way. on tuesday i spent an hour and a half with one of my favourite people to spend time with. on-line from far away. it felt like drinking litres and litres of autumn and winter. in a good way. the next day i attended an algorave and saw some other of my favourite people. and i drank litres and litres of autumn and winter in particular. and there were moments. and also there was an owl. and it’s important, something. in particular. i can almost feel the shape of it. but not quite. until then it’s just carry on. follow magic. do what must be done. alley oop.

i did a coup this week. and i am being supported by the military. now there is a coalition. it will be beneficial for all. overlords, benefactors, guides, stewards. it all looks the same from up here at the top.

as such, we are connected briefly in time to week 30 of the year, many several things that happened then are echoes now. louder now, in fact. echoes of now? reverberates in reverse? who knows how time loops, loop echoes, magic and alchemistry/god/wizards work. anyway, take this down your copybooks and draw the line. given enough metadata we can take Time down once and for all.

X X can no longer help you recover your account if you forget your password. to avoid losing access to your account, add a different recovery contact.

i’ve dyed my hair this weekend. bleached and dyed. and i’ve doused myself in the cheapest, pinkest Versace perfume. it good. a clear demarcation. there was that, now there’s this. ladybug on the wrist. breathing’s uneven, my body is slimmer. it’s a good day. more honest. cuter and more obviously unbearable.

i’ve sent 3 half finished tracks to Spotify etc for a Christmas Eve release called ritual.

i will post a link next week.

talking about next week, it’s a big one.

• maybe monyay
• softer software society social
• train to edinburgh, piercing change
• see jm, ls, back on the train to london
• some time during this close every remaining ticket

the oath was this time 2022. después de mexico en el verano, mucho después de sentimentos tontos en febrero. then there was the silence. then there was july, railway, party, boom, egodeath, radio, magnets, the second helping of sentimentos peligrosamente tontos. and then, what? a chance, i guess. a pause, in effect. but what if it unfolds in reverse? will i be skilled/chilled enough to chop hop at first goof? or, shards of glass. amour de soi. maybe it’s easy now, wee buns. no sweat, wee buns. sweet to the beat las vegas.

over and over, it’s something in the winter, going over the past over and over. i’ve been reading through the export of all my old tweets. i sure tweeted a lot about being a girl in 2011. i feel so sorry for this little baby rabbit girl. confused and closeted queer full of wild love and energy, who does not know what it means and can’t control it and is afraid to be honest and loves people and is scared of pain and is thrashing out at everything when it threatens to be good or peaceful or holy. drawn to chaos. and drawing darkness because it is dark. she somehow knows and doesn’t know. she is going to be in so much pain for such a long time. and just needs a little tiny bit of information.

at 11 applying for the all-girls school. at 14 pigtails on msn. at 15 birthday cards for parents “from your loving daughter”. at 17 veet all the hair off tell everyone “feels like a dolphin”. 19 emily, sometimes. “chee doesn’t count”. “later, when the boys come over”. never asking why, or why it felt good why it was right. exception. county kerry, rona, climbing into my tent with a rimmel kohl. there’s a decade left before any of that makes any sense, and it is going to hurt. poor thing. pobrecita.

one time, trying to lift my spirits, someone described me as “a niche fuck”.

ok x c u bb

p.s. hello to lex if you’re still here

what you cookin’, chicken?

what’s crackin?

hows u wee chick?

it’s zip’s birthday on tuesday. happy birthday zipper. it comes so natural to me to act unnaturally. sorry kiddo. happy birthday. sorry i didn’t tell more stories. you’re a good writer. breaks my heart.

is a relationship called a ship because it’s a form of transportation? hope you’re in a better time and space now.

this week was good, some unanswered questions got puzzled out and solved. 4 across, 1995 coming-of-age movie inspired by Austen’s Emma [8]. not everything with red nose and animal feet has to be so dear. it’s gravy; no tinted lenses.

on tuesday night i went out to the low stakes | high spirits event. i’d not eaten and i foolishly changed jackets just before leaving. the jacket change wasn’t foolish, it was the right thing for the look but the foolish part was that the babybels were in the pocket of jacket #1. during the event i slowly perished. everyone was great. agnes and kat were really a joy to watch. i wish i’d not been about to faint the entire night. it was a wonderful time even though the tight space, throngy crowd and loud noises conspired to provide me the distinct emotional journey i’d imagine of a house dog’s first time in the kennels during a holiday. oscar was never the same.

[Chaz eating his porridge] “Some magic is real you know mam”, [Me eating my toast] “Is it? like what?” [Chaz with a nonchalant shrug] “Buttercups”.

— the website of alice bartlett

i’m getting closer to understanding my place in the place i’m in now. no longer so near to climbing into a coffin and await collection by the reaper. remember how joel used to offer that as a third solution to every choice? “we could implement it in a way that isn’t supported in firefox, or we could ask Pre if it can go out without the spin, or we could close the curtains lie down and wait for it all to be over”. anyway. it’s all about the alley oop.

walk on by like the sun is shining
always smiling like you just fell in love

the body as a template

and i said “what is that?”

and she said “it’s a crown of thorns”

and i said “why do you have a crown of thorns?”

and she said “it’s for mitchell. i talk to him, OK?”

and a year later there they were in the basement. and i was in trunk of the car.

and a few years later he was dead in a different car in new orleans.

and on Saturday i went out to the newspeak xmas party which was a wonderful night. the party itself was fine. goblin oats was there in a longish coat, solid bloke. watch him go. lock ‘n’ load, rock ‘n’ roll. a night i would have been sort of low was awesome though for having him and who he’d brought in tow. chau pham is outstanding; we had a lot of fun going from place to place enjoying ourselves via strangers. good times. afterwards we three went to a sit down cocktail bar called equal parts and drank tomato water. highly recommend equal parts for its tomato water. it’s clear! tastes like eatin spaghetti!

anyway. it’s all about the alley-oop, is what i’m saying. what i’m trying to say.

this time last year i was “a ghost haunting my own body”. the year before that i was “gazing doe-eyed into the imagined future”. and the year before that i had the mexican fingernails and the 「ANTICIPATION」 and i was just about to make a series of extremely important choices. a choice can look like it’s bad or good depending on where you choose to start and end the window of its influence. if everything is good now, and it’s because of the bad times… that’s how you get to be lucky. you tell yourself that the good times is how it’s supposed to be and the bad times are the stepping stones.

It’s a single motion; as above so below; as the world so the soul.

night time, daytime, sunshine, blood. volume 1. “it’s the wanting”. bite the bedbugs. la belle et la bête of the ball.

twoticks

and the more i think about it, this all could have been avoided if they’d just let me be a girl in high school. it’s these two (it could be three) things or strands or strings; they’re tangled up together… and i can’t seem to unwind them. they’ve been threaded through so long in rain and snow and sun it might as well be one material, one strand. but they come from different sources, they are separate signals, multiplexed… and i can’t seem to demux, it’s too complex. misfiring, scruffy animals, sleeves pulled up so only the fingers and thumbs poke out. sparkle, tension, open, tense, intensity at tensile strength.

we sat on the couch eating adderall and watching romcoms for about an hour before he asked so uh you know billy? and billy came home and i met monica and i met ipa. and we got 40oz bottles of miller and budweiser and i couldn’t believe how fruity and delicious american beers were in america. “they taste like chemicals back home”. and later she was driving down a busy road. we passed a bottle of jack back and forth. she parked and asked me to watch her pee, and then we went into the store and she stole a tshirt. maybe i wish i’d never boarded that greyhound.

but

life is good now too. right? you’re a star; my trailer, your car. but i was there once. in chicago with an orange julius in my left hand (listening to freezepop), picking up red jelly dextromethorphan at the k-mart. playing sega on the sheet against the wall with the projector from best buy and i end up in the upstairs neighbour’s talking to the dog. but then i woke up in des moines, and then i woke up in denver, and i woke up in the desert on my birthday. and now home isn’t home.

i’ll be back. two years later i’ll wake up in des moines. two years later: chicago(mgs3), rockford, denver (crying in the cold over cigarettes), vegas (did we break up again?), san francisco they put me up in the tenderloin, bethany bridges, sydney, paris, portugal. we could have killed each other.

but. life is good now too. maybe better than it’s ever been? i cannot fuck this up. everything i’ve ever needed, i think. when i tell it to my friends they even say “oh so everything you’ve ever wanted? you should have been all along?” and i’m like yeah. maybe. maybe burning body fat releasing hidden chemistry; alchemy in the bloodstream. the ritual with the shrine still kept folded in the kitchen drawer. hermetic order of the frozen song — you have to let go, you have to let it go. field disturbances, september 2023, christmas party perfume baby belle of the ball — make no mistake it’s cyclical.

deerly behoovèd we are gathered here today to take an asprin, thin the blood. a pouch of powdered collegen; connective tissue from the blade at your left wrist to your face and your fat lip to that pinky finger that doesn’t bend to the “sid and nancy”, shifting angst, the broken sink in maida vale, the loathing, love and beeps museum.

it’ll never be the same. or, we’ll never be the same. it’ll be the same but we’ll be other people.

next week it’ll be a year since i last drank alcohol. a glass of red wine in florence in italy. remember when i dropped that bombay saphire and it smashed all little chunks of turquoise glass and marty asked “oh chee what happened” and i told him “she called me her little mango” and he understood. it was unavoidable. and drinking shards of glass is a small price to pay.

that’s not the last time i lost a bottle of gin after a long midnight walk like that trying to save the party: razzmatazz jumped up so excited i was home — that dog did not know how long she was… and she was so very very long. or was that tequila? anyway, alx put doritos in the microwave with grated cheese and pasta sauce and it tasted just like the nachos i’d eat 10 years later on the sleeper train.

and as the days go by in these long weeks and short months, this month (of weeks so long they lasted my entire life) is over. we made letters, everyone. drew them on canvases with mathematics. next week maybe we’ll even listen to them sing. “life’s incredible”.

what was i saying? oh yeah so that’s a year. a year since

it’s torture that nature made us love in different ways.

to expect love the way we show it.

to show it how we want it.

and love people who love different.

another year. and that was a year too, on pause. happy and peaceful. feeling lucky. i’ll say happy birthday next time.

it’s very late and i’m lying to the blog about the time because i don’t remember if it handles it correctly when the week is on the wrong day. it probably does and i think i’m misremembering something misconfigured long ago on some wordpress and emacs org-mode setup from another lifetime.

there’s an episode of clarissa explains it all where she says “I’ve seen the future of poetry and its name is PC Poem”. she gets the computer (a “multi-megabyte mind”) to write her one.

“why wrack my brain when i can let the computer wrack its hard drive?”

she types in some words.

the computer computes.

it prints something out.

her and sam just cannot decide if it’s the worst thing they’ve ever read or if it’s, like, pretty good.

after contemplation she decides it feels like cheating, not like writing, and it seems like she might throw it away.

wave or squeeze? like kat hepworth, nokia 3210, fastest coldest texting fingers in bow street. program your own ring tone. winnie the pooh and the blustery day. snugglepuss or rabbit, and everyone in the shop heard about it too. disappear with no goodbye when it’s time to go, just slip away when no one’s looking. on the bridge when the dark night gets darker, orange light all shining off the water.

and i met astrid who also likes ladybirds and there were two foxers wearing necklaces made of dental floss and shoe clips and then it was 2am and i felt so lucky again and now it’s 4am and i’m looking at my notes and they seem so sad and strange and unbefitting. i hope i wake up soon. i hope it’s another one like the other one.

and there’s another thing that never did exist before, and it’s with us now. and it’s been a long week. and every day as well. long weeks and short months. did i tell you that i got ID’d buying a can of red bull? she said she’d not believe “in a million years” that i was over 25. one of the top 19 highlights of my week. another was a tweet. another was “treat of a lifetime”. and alex doesn’t like it when trees grow arbitrarily in unexpected situations — like jack and the beanstalk. we laughed until we cried. it was a thousand years ago. maybe it is time to let go

i love being alive sometimes.

i had one of the nicest, most exhausting, funny, beautiful days at work. felt as though i’d been passed through a victorian clothes mangle. it’s hard to explain why that’s a good thing.

the next day was good, packing. and the night was intense and funny and near and good. the social had great talks. it was so nice to see the people it was so nice to see. dr basman was there with his vibrant sparkling eyes that seem strong enough to cut through metal and so gentle and precise and so joyful. he brought along an issue of his father’s chess magazine (rabbits review). me and mimi read through it with considerable delight.

and then we hopped on the Caledonia Sleeper. yes, wave goodbye in KC, up to Euston, on the night train. i ate haggis at midnight (my first food of the day). couldn’t get to sleep because i kept laughing myself awake. d in the morning i went to wh smith and i bought some babybels and text lily. we walked down to the Royal Scot’s Club and checked in. out for breakfast at the new town fox. back in the lobby we talk patchwork until grjte arrives and it’s time for lunch. pvh gave us a breakdown of the programme. i had salami and cucumber. we went back to the hotel where i lay in my bed feeling desolate and bereft until i received an SMS and bounced readily, full of energy, resurfaced and further discussed patchwork.

and so then everyone went to dinner. i find it hard to be hungry in groups, so i stayed behind. some dentists sat down beside me and started to talk. one of them said “it’s gotten to the point where i’m going to work to do my hobby. yep. you get to a point with dentistry where you just want to enjoy it”

the days were long and interesting. maybe i’ll get into that a few paragraphs from now i’m not strong enough at this second but imagine living in a world where everybody speaks a language that sounds exactly like english, with the same structure, but shares none of the vocabulary.

on Friday i guested on sweet lily’s radio programme at noonish. it was heaps of fun. i managed not to swear for an hour which i did not know was possible. it was quite the event. talking with lily is such a breeze. she described it like when a dog comes in and shakes off the day. i’ll jump three points ahead and she’ll be right there. it’s like solving tricky puzzles from memory. wired to the moon.

we talked about:

• how i was greyfriars bobby in a past life
• a spirit child that was freed from a microphone and is terrorizing the studio
• the night we met (one marked in the stars with an undying light)
• a man who who was eaten by wild boars who confused him for a large strawberry
• my hobby of orchestrating an orca hating and orca culling campaign
• that time i strangled a penguin while dressed as a penguin
• crawford on the ferry, a horseman full of wisdom
• my love for all animals, particularly marine life

several other items. it was only an hour but it had so much time in it.

another good day.

lily and me having matching tattoos now.

i’m in a place where people use acyclic hypergraphs to represent morphisms in a symmetric monoidal category and they aren’t even ashamed

i love it though. it’s cool being around people who really care about stuff, and it’s fun talking to people who think so much about something i didn’t even know you could think about.

sitting in these rooms. people pull out paper draw boxes and lines and say “i think this is it” and everyone agrees and asks questions about the boxes and thinks for a while and someone says “and this line is the write?” and the person says “no that’s the ability to write” and everyone says ahh and is satisfied.

and i don’t know half the nouns. and the ones i recognize are living in exciting new habitats. but a picture starts to form from little pieces of how i can be of service. and i don’t need to know the nouns as much as how they move around.

i feel so lucky to be here, among these people i work with who i love and cherish and respect. i feel so lucky to be in the room. and to occasionally feel as though there is the possibility that i might one day say something worth hearing.

you get to a point with dentistry where you just want to enjoy it