week 52 of 2023
feeling lucky
i’ve put myself in a position where i can be hurt now. but she will never hurt me, not on purpose. look at her, she’s an angel. we will, of course, hurt each other. everybody hurts each other. but we will be forgiven, and it won’t happen that same way again next time. i’m optimistic.
my yearly tarot predicted this month would be The Sun.
it is.
i should draw fourteen for next year. 2024, all even numbers. i trust it, trustworthy year. fourteen cards. one for every month and two for the theme. this year's theme was learning to take as easily as i give. death and rebirth in the desert. oscillating like a freshly plucked string.
christmas eve was perfect. christmas day was perfect. boxing day was strange but beautiful. close and beautiful.
christmas eve i spend all day getting ready, writing, tidying up, eating cheese and helping Lucky with the shopping. when evening falls i head to the bus stop. Lucky’s coming from Green Valley. i get there a little early so i slip through the open gate at Bromley-by-Bow and wait on the platform. we walk home, laughing and talking. lots of laughing, lots of talking. lots of plans, always plans.
Lucky has a little panic about the size of her todo list, we jump up and launch into inaction. it really felt like we were about to do something, but we get distracted by each other and delay everything until the morning. just after midnight we make a pledge to each xxxother.
christmas day. we have had our menu planned since the 22nd, finalized over dinner on the 23rd. groceries shopped on the 24th. the morning is 50 open recipe tabs & typing up a timing schedule in Notes.app. under the wire, last minute, zero hour. (zero hour and eleventh hour both mean the same thing?) it might appear to the untrained observer that we don’t have our shit together, but scholars of Taiichi Ohno & W. Edwards Deming will recognize JIT Manufacturing when they see it. jerusalem bagels, gazan salad, cauliflower cheese, carrots and parsnips, roast potatoes, quorn roast, freshly made cranberry sauce, vine leaves, labneh, houmous, za’atar, olives, crackers, cheese and shloer and wine and mango monster. one of the best meals of my life. one of the best days too. so near and tender. so fun, so playful-stressful. we played a few rounds of chameleon with Lucky’s brother. we walk alone together. she puts on a little music, i listen to a podcast. we walk in circles holding hands. my heart could burst right out of my chest.
boxing day starts early. dark and lazy. up at 5 and dressed and out the door quite soon to walk for hours to the station. the district opens up as we get to Tower Hill, so we take a shortcut. breakfast grenade bar and coffee. she to Brighton, me to Blackheath. i make poor food choices, walk for hours more. hop a bus outside the cinema, and clamber up the stairs to home. cozy in bed, i put some tabla samples on the op-1 and have a napcident which messes up my sleep schedule. i finish reading Finkelstein’s Gaza. —gotta get to sleep because i’m going to Brighton in the morning for a work-from-home date.
27th special. she introduces me to her friend who leaves us to work together in the cafe. she takes me out for dinner. we eat plenty and drink a little wine. we get a little room above a gay bar and sleep soundly, waking early. just after midnight we make a pledge to each other. it's cherries season. i lost my aiaiai headphones. we get a little coffee and do a little work and eat some fries and we head home.
in the morning it's working from home + eating Christmas leftovers for the last friyay of the year. we get a little mint tea in soho with her cousin and her cousin's husband. then she takes me to a little irish bar with a customer-facing-dumbwaiter where i drink a diet coke and a sparkling water and we talk about the future. and the past. and we pull up the zapruder film so she can compare her butt to jackie onassis. jackie o's got nothing on Lucky.
i'm in a rush because i'm late for doing nothing for 6 hours (not a joke). here's a list:
- winter wonderland tickets
- regents park (cute, pretty)
- ¿¿¿Levant Kitchen at Selfridges??? ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿delicious???????
- rain, skip winter wonderland
- sleep apart nobody knows why
- <3
- nye i'm not doing cheese in the bath instead i'm just hanging around in london town until midnight so i can kiss somebody and go home
- all these people i'm being introduced to love misgendering me immediately in reply to a sentence where lucky used a correct pronoun
- my life includes a lot more mint tea than it did two months ago.
love u bye
week 51 2023
feliz nochebuena, sweethearts and treasures. hows u wee chick?
i'm gay
last week ended with:
Week 51 better start looking like joy, success and vitality pretty fucking soon.
me, last week
+ it did, actually.
here's the e.p. i mentioned last week: https://quiet-party.bandcamp.com/album/attention-deadzone-hyperactivity. it'll be on Spotify & Apple Music tomorrow, Christmas Day. un regalito de navidad para all of my two fans.
Sunday evening is spent at the cinema watching the Disney movie Wish with Lucky. rly fun. I love the songs. I love how everyone is indoctrinated and takes a while to understand that what evil is evil because they grew up with it + so it's normal. I love when the chubby little star gives everyone an orgasm which makes them realize a better world is possible.
Awake far past my bedtime for a Zoom holiday party call with the cute discord which starts at 8EST.
Monday. Dinner with Becky Avery is good. She is extremely hungover and on a comedown that started 36 hours ago—and was punctuated by a 9 hour Christmas cabaret and this dinner. We eat plenty. That morning i'd learned that i'm now a size too small for my denim dress (which is what I'm wearing). i only bought it in july!
I decide i’ll let myself eat anything i want. not as a treat—this dress is from joanie clothing, it cost like £100… i can’t afford a whole new wardrobe! i’m dieting for health not financial ruin!
We're at this cute veggie place in soho. i get two small plates and a large plate and a side and a mint tea. becky gets two small plates and a side and a flat white. the table is extremely small. becky avery spends a good five minutes arranging her plates. she’s a natural at prop comedy.
It’s very funny when becky avery is tired + furious, her light shines through anyway and she can say anything she likes and still be so funny and charming. a lorelai gilmore type. smarter than me, funnier than me, longer than me, sparkly-eyeder than me, brunetter than me.
After dinner I head to Selfridges, Oxford Street where I meet a young lady buying lipstick. We walk around for a while in circles looking for blenders, laughing at Objects, turning nothing up. We hit the Disney shop, smoke a cigarette, get the tube. I love that part of London in the winter. Oxford Street and Carnaby and Regents and Piccadilly Circus. it’s all so bright and beautiful and London off the telly. i forget i live in London, real London.
In the morning at Lewisham station i learn i’ve misplaced my house keys last night. i call the estate agent + arrange to grab their spare set. i’m a 25 min walk from the agent’s. The Slade Green is pulling in, that’ll get me there in 5 mins. I hop on. The doors close. “This is the Dartford”. Wrong train. I get off at the next stop. Hither Green, a 30 min walk from the agent’s. i leave by the wrong exit. I walk for 5 mins in the wrong direction. I'm still dizzy from the night before.
There's something so lonely about people in the world now. We've all been trained to preëmpt anything anyone might reply to us on social media. We harden ourselves against all possible attacks before we speak. We become the only version of ourselves that could withstand our worst nightmare happening, and in a way we make it come to pass. It seems so lonely. The only antidote is honesty. Honesty and learning to be OK with being wrong in public, as long as long as you were telling the truth.
Wednesday night is spent at the cinema watching the John Hughes movie Home Alone 2: Lost in New York starring Donald Trump with Lucky. It's really fun. We leave early.
Office in the morning. Sea Horse after. WFH on Friday. Have a cute time, then a hard time, then a cute time again. Briefly stop by Pete & Baz at Fox & Firkin in the evening to see sweet Val. We love her, don't we folks?
The morning is maybe the hardest part of the week, but it is fixed by eggs and understanding. And mayonnaise. It's hard to learn a person. Harder when that person's learning you. Hard to let a person learn you. Did a good job of tidying up. Hit Sainsbury's for ingredients. Made perhaps the best curry i've made in my life + played it off all chill like I do this all the time. Tell your friend I have a crush on her. It's hard to sleep, but that's okay because it's easy to stay awake. The Christmas Eve of Christmas Eve.
Sunday I'll write this blog post, try to make a perfect piece of music, eat an entire basket of organic cheddar, tidy up the kitchen, maybe help with the Christmas dinner shopping... rest up for the Big Day.
merry crincemince to all those who observe. apostates, infidels, heathens & heretics: enjoy the long weekend, treasure.
ok wee chick cya
xx
please enjoy this velvet underground cover
week 50 - 2023
lmao.
Monday was a light day. Somebody came to my house to kiss me and then threw a pound coin onto my bed and left.
Tuesday was the work Christmas party. It was a lovely night. My favourite moment of the night was when ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮▮ to me during ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ and we ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ and ▮▮▮▮ "▮ ▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮" and then we ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ until the end of the night. It was special. Wet eyes, big smiles.
On Wednesday I was super chill and normal as usual.
On Thursday I learned that I'm a little bitch who can't be trusted. It was tough. I can't actually write about any of the details of this here, my week is full of important events that I can't write about. It's the first time I think I've felt I can't express myself here safely or well. It's the beginning of the end. I guess I'll have to find something else to do.
Let's talk about alchemy. It's the process of turning your dirty leaden soul into beautiful, rich, highly conductive gold. Did you know that "magnum opus" means "great work"? It means the same thing as masterpiece. In order to create your great work, you have to become the person who can create it. The traditional is becoming knowledgeable enough, and clean enough of spirit, to learn to turn iron or lead into gold. But whatever your art is, the great work is to turn yourself into the person who is able to create it via the very process of creating it. It's a single motion; as above so below; as the world so the soul.
I spent Friday in bed. I had one bad phonecall, one good phonecall, some other good things happened. Someone fed me. I headed home.
On Saturday I made a tasty meal with tomatoes and beyond beef mince and fresh fennel and many spices, it was very tasty. I spent the day in bed. Mostly making music. Some hanging out. I made an 8 track quiet party release called "ATTENTION DEADZONE HYPERACTIVITY".
it's mostly mixed, but needs mastered. it's only, like, 9 minutes long. this is what i do now, these little short releases of a few short songs.
Week 50: meeting with the goddess, woman as the temptress, atonement with the father, get the gift, pay the price.
Week 51 better start looking like joy, success and vitality pretty fucking soon.