strangely empty building. never seen another soul who seems to live here. just that ghost who haunts the elevators. we let a guy in who was delivering a package one time. he dropped it at the mailboxes on the ground floor then got into the elevator with us. he pressed 3, we pressed 4. when we got to floor 3 he stepped out, looked around and got back into the elevator with us. he seemed to apologize, i’m not sure if he made a sound but he moved his body like he was speaking. it was tense between 3 and 4.

these valleys below my eyes are turning into canyons.

on jan 8 i wake up at 4am fully refreshed. zz stayed up late night writing. it’s bitterly cold, she wrote about the cold. the radiators have never worked in this place. have to call somebody. there’s a bus in thirty minutes and until then there is this cold. there’s a thermostat in the hallway, i turn it to thirty, nothing changes. there’s a cupboard in the hallway behind the coats, i’ve never opened it, i’ve never seen anyone open it. inside i find a white panel. on the panel i see a little drawing of a radiator. next to the little drawing of the radiator is a button. next to the button is the word “OFF”. there’s also a little drawing of a tap beside the word “AUTO”. i remember that zz told me that sometimes the water is hot, and sometimes it is cold. the heating never works, the water is sometimes hot and sometimes cold. this is consistent with my findings. i press the button beside the radiator. the house growls into life. i go from radiator to radiator turning their valves until they hiss and gurgle happily and obediently, as ready as any of us to be hot and to be warm and not cold.

the bus is in five minutes now. i know that door is a one way road until zz wakes up since i lost my key fob. but this is the best use of our time. she’ll wake up to new heat, i’ll collect my eggs and collect my cheese. get some clothes and a speaker. charge my headphones.

no one else is ever here
except that old woman
who haunts the elevators 
and that young woman
with the sandwich
who i didn’t ever see again 

WFZ week except for Tuesday. we were productive and drank tea with mint and ate very well. i baked a cake for zz’s brother on friday. a sweet banana cake with a sour cream chocolate icing and pretty strawberries.

Saturday was emotional and difficult at times, but sweet and important too. We went to the Horniman museum to look at all the dry animals, and we went to the Planetarium to look at all the far stars, and we ate mushrooms and talked deeply and held each other and cried.

i am happy.

hi everyone:)

Welcome to twentytwentyfour.

On new years’ evening i ended up going to Simmons with some people from work. i kissed the prettiest girl in the world at midnight. facts. periodt.

After the celebration of fire and glitter and paper falling from the ceiling, we left. I really needed to pee but i haven’t been able to bring myself to use the boys since i grew my hair, and i haven’t been able to use the girls since i cut it. so i just sat there bursting.

afterwards me and zaina got some halloumi and houmous and salad and chips and went home. i drank a little, but not much. i enjoyed simmons, exceptionally. it’s fun to be alive.

It’s funny how peoples faces change as you get to know them, and your memories of them before feel like they’re about a different person because of who they are to you and how they look to you.

in the morning when we wake up we set up our diet. it’s like mine from last year, keto + vegetarian + no alcohol. i took a 1 week break between christmas eve and new years so we could celebrate with abandon. it’s gonna be a challenge but isn’t it fun to be in something together? it’s fun, yeah.

israel has locked itself into a death spiral with its policy of reëstablishing deterrence through fearby disproportionate response. its existence relies on the nations around it being afraid, but it’s too much this time, too wanton, too abject. so they are just gonna start world war 3 because they can’t do what is right and they can’t back down. i read one book and now consider myself an expert on the matter.

tuesday we work from home. at work i’m having a little trouble because i haven’t had an easy time focusing for a few months.

all the days are kind of blurred together. a bright happy blur of lilac and white and yellow and pink and blue. it sure can be hard to learn a person while they’re learning you and you’re learning yourself. the good parts are exceedingly good, and the hard parts aren’t bad.

i guess i can’t do this chronologically… i’ll try to start taking notes during the week again… here are things i can remember:

  • i cooked
    • i made labneh
    • i made some pretty tasty flatbread with only: eggs, mozzarella, greek yoghurt + an oven
    • zaytoun + za’atar on everything
    • i made a few tasty paneer curries
  • it’s nice to fall asleep and to wake up
  • i wrote some good songs
  • i am extremely happy + relaxed
  • there was a little blow up but we fixed it.
    • and she bought me flowers.
      • they’re sitting in water in my teenage engineer field range water bottle on the nightstand.
  • lay on the bed working while you pray
  • a lovely evening in dim light with snacks
  • anxious on thursday evening

i’m so tired right now that i keep falling asleep while i’m typing, and when i keep myself awake my dreams start chattering anyway. i’m that kind of tired where i’m going to start hearing music in my mind as loud as if it’s playing on speakers beside me. i will cook dinner now for when Lucky gets home from her 2 hour walk.

i can never really figure out how to write happy, and i’m not quite ready to think about anything else.

anyway, that’s all i’ve got. i’ll start taking notes.

love you, sport. have a good one. see you. x

feeling lucky

i’ve put myself in a position where i can be hurt now. but she will never hurt me, not on purpose. look at her, she’s an angel. we will, of course, hurt each other. everybody hurts each other. but we will be forgiven, and it won’t happen that same way again next time. i’m optimistic.

my yearly tarot predicted this month would be The Sun.

it is.

i should draw fourteen for next year. 2024, all even numbers. i trust it, trustworthy year.
fourteen cards. one for every month and two for the theme. this year’s theme was learning to take as easily as i give. death and rebirth in the desert. oscillating like a freshly plucked string.

christmas eve was perfect. christmas day was perfect. boxing day was strange but beautiful. close and beautiful.

christmas eve i spend all day getting ready, writing, tidying up, eating cheese and helping Lucky with the shopping. when evening falls i head to the bus stop. Lucky’s coming from Green Valley. i get there a little early so i slip through the open gate at Bromley-by-Bow and wait on the platform.
we walk home, laughing and talking. lots of laughing, lots of talking. lots of plans, always plans.

Lucky has a little panic about the size of her todo list, we jump up and launch into inaction. it really felt like we were about to do something, but we get distracted by each other and delay everything until the morning. just after midnight we make a pledge to each xxxother.

christmas day. we have had our menu planned since the 22nd, finalized over dinner on the 23rd. groceries shopped on the 24th. the morning is 50 open recipe tabs & typing up a timing schedule in Notes.app. under the wire, last minute, zero hour. (zero hour and eleventh hour both mean the same thing?) it might appear to the untrained observer that we don’t have our shit together, but scholars of Taiichi Ohno & W. Edwards Deming will recognize JIT Manufacturing when they see it. jerusalem bagels, gazan salad, cauliflower cheese, carrots and parsnips, roast potatoes, quorn roast, freshly made cranberry sauce, vine leaves, labneh, houmous, za’atar, olives, crackers, cheese and shloer and wine and mango monster. one of the best meals of my life. one of the best days too. so near and tender. so fun, so playful-stressful. we played a few rounds of chameleon with Lucky’s brother. we walk alone together. she puts on a little music, i listen to a podcast. we walk in circles holding hands. my heart could burst right out of my chest.

boxing day starts early. dark and lazy. up at 5 and dressed and out the door quite soon to walk for hours to the station. the district opens up as we get to Tower Hill, so we take a shortcut. breakfast grenade bar and coffee. she to Brighton, me to Blackheath. i make poor food choices, walk for hours more. hop a bus outside the cinema, and clamber up the stairs to home. cozy in bed, i put some tabla samples on the op-1 and have a napcident which messes up my sleep schedule. i finish reading Finkelstein’s Gaza. —gotta get to sleep because i’m going to Brighton in the morning for a work-from-home date.

—27th special. she introduces me to her friend who leaves us to work together in the cafe. she takes me out for dinner. we eat plenty and drink a little wine. we get a little room above a gay bar and sleep soundly, waking early. just after midnight we make a pledge to each other. it’s cherries season. i lost my aiaiai headphones. we get a little coffee and do a little work and eat some fries and we head home.

in the morning it’s working from home + eating Christmas leftovers for the last friyay of the year. we get a little mint tea in soho with her cousin and her cousin’s husband. then she takes me to a little irish bar with a customer-facing-dumbwaiter where i drink a diet coke and a sparkling water and we talk about the future. and the past. and we pull up the zapruder film so she can compare her butt to jackie onassis. jackie o’s got nothing on Lucky.

i’m in a rush because i’m late for doing nothing for 6 hours (not a joke). here’s a list:

  • winter wonderland tickets
  • regents park (cute, pretty)
  • ¿¿¿Levant Kitchen at Selfridges??? ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿delicious???????
  • rain, skip winter wonderland
  • sleep apart nobody knows why
  • <3
  • nye i’m not doing cheese in the bath instead i’m just hanging around in london town until midnight so i can kiss somebody and go home
  • all these people i’m being introduced to love misgendering me immediately in reply to a sentence where lucky used a correct pronoun
  • my life includes a lot more min tea than it did two months ago.

love u bye

feliz nochebuena, sweethearts and treasures. hows u wee chick?

i’m gay

last week ended with:

Week 51 better start looking like joy, success and vitality pretty fucking soon.

me, last week

+ it did, actually.

here’s the e.p. i mentioned last week: https://quiet-party.bandcamp.com/album/attention-deadzone-hyperactivity. it’ll be on Spotify & Apple Music tomorrow, Christmas Day. un regalito de navidad para all of my two fans.

Sunday evening is spent at the cinema watching the Disney movie Wish with Lucky. rly fun. I love the songs. I love how everyone is indoctrinated and takes a while to understand that what evil is evil because they grew up with it + so it’s normal. I love when the chubby little star gives everyone an orgasm which makes them realize a better world is possible.

Awake far past my bedtime for a Zoom holiday party call with the cute discord which starts at 8EST.

Monday. Dinner with Becky Avery is good. She is extremely hungover and on a comedown that started 36 hours ago—and was punctuated by a 9 hour Christmas cabaret and this dinner. We eat plenty. That morning i’d learned that i’m now a size too small for my denim dress (which is what I’m wearing). i only bought it in july!

I decide i’ll let myself eat anything i want. not as a treat—this dress is from joanie clothing, it cost like £100… i can’t afford a whole new wardrobe! i’m dieting for health not financial ruin!

We’re at this cute veggie place in soho. i get two small plates and a large plate and a side and a mint tea. becky gets two small plates and a side and a flat white. the table is extremely small. becky avery spends a good five minutes arranging her plates. she’s a natural at prop comedy.

It’s very funny when becky avery is tired + furious, her light shines through anyway and she can say anything she likes and still be so funny and charming. a lorelai gilmore type. smarter than me, funnier than me, longer than me, sparkly-eyeder than me, brunetter than me.

After dinner I head to Selfridges, Oxford Street where I meet a young lady buying lipstick. We walk around for a while in circles looking for blenders, laughing at Objects, turning nothing up. We hit the Disney shop, smoke a cigarette, get the tube. I love that part of London in the winter. Oxford Street and Carnaby and Regents and Piccadilly Circus. it’s all so bright and beautiful and London off the telly. i forget i live in London, real London.

In the morning at Lewisham station i learn i’ve misplaced my house keys last night. i call the estate agent + arrange to grab their spare set. i’m a 25 min walk from the agent’s. The
Slade Green is pulling in, that’ll get me there in 5 mins. I hop on. The doors close. “This is the Dartford”. Wrong train. I get off at the next stop. Hither Green, a 30 min walk from the agent’s. i leave by the wrong exit. I walk for 5 mins in the wrong direction. I’m still dizzy from the night before.

There’s something so lonely about people in the world now. We’ve all been trained to preëmpt anything anyone might reply to us on social media. We harden ourselves against all possible attacks before we speak. We become the only version of ourselves that could withstand our worst nightmare happening, and in a way we make it come to pass. It seems so lonely. The only antidote is honesty. Honesty and learning to be OK with being wrong in public, as long as long as you were telling the truth.

Wednesday night is spent at the cinema watching the John Hughes movie Home Alone 2: Lost in New York starring Donald Trump with Lucky. It’s really fun. We leave early.

Office in the morning. Sea Horse after. WFH on Friday. Have a cute time, then a hard time, then a cute time again. Briefly stop by Pete & Baz at Fox & Firkin in the evening to see sweet Val. We love her, don’t we folks?

The morning is maybe the hardest part of the week, but it is fixed by eggs and understanding. And mayonnaise. It’s hard to learn a person. Harder when that person’s learning you. Hard to let a person learn you. Did a good job of tidying up. Hit Sainsbury’s for ingredients. Made perhaps the best curry i’ve made in my life + played it off all chill like I do this all the time. Tell your friend I have a crush on her. It’s hard to sleep, but that’s okay because it’s easy to stay awake. The Christmas Eve of Christmas Eve.

Sunday I’ll write this blog post, try to make a perfect piece of music, eat an entire basket of organic cheddar, tidy up the kitchen, maybe help with the Christmas dinner shopping… rest up for the Big Day.

merry crincemince to all those who observe. apostates, infidels, heathens & heretics: enjoy the long weekend, treasure.

ok wee chick cya

xx

lmao.

Monday was a light day. Somebody came to my house to kiss me and then threw a pound coin onto my bed and left.

Tuesday was the work Christmas party. It was a lovely night. My favourite moment of the night was when ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮▮ to me during ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ and we ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ and ▮▮▮▮ “▮ ▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮▮ ▮▮▮▮▮ ▮▮” and then we ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ until the end of the night. It was special. Wet eyes, big smiles.

On Wednesday I was super chill and normal as usual.

On Thursday I learned that I’m a little bitch who can’t be trusted. It was tough. I can’t actually write about any of the details of this here, my week is full of important events that I can’t write about. It’s the first time I think I’ve felt I can’t express myself here safely or well. It’s the beginning of the end. I guess I’ll have to find something else to do.

Let’s talk about alchemy. It’s the process of turning your dirty leaden soul into beautiful, rich, highly conductive gold. Did you know that “magnum opus” means “great work”? It means the same thing as masterpiece. In order to create your great work, you have to become the person who can create it. The traditional is becoming knowledgeable enough, and clean enough of spirit, to learn to turn iron or lead into gold. But whatever your art is, the great work is to turn yourself into the person who is able to create it via the very process of creating it. It’s a single motion; as above so below; as the world so the soul.

I spent Friday in bed. I had one bad phonecall, one good phonecall, some other good things happened. Someone fed me. I headed home.

On Saturday I made a tasty meal with tomatoes and beyond beef mince and fresh fennel and many spices, it was very tasty. I spent the day in bed. Mostly making music. Some hanging out. I made an 8 track quiet party release called “ATTENTION DEADZONE HYPERACTIVITY“.

it’s mostly mixed, but needs mastered. it’s only, like, 9 minutes long. this is what i do now, these little short releases of a few short songs.

Week 50: meeting with the goddess, woman as the temptress, atonement with the father, get the gift, pay the price.

Week 51 better start looking like joy, success and vitality pretty fucking soon.

hey!

look at the week, forty-nine. very nearly the end. i got sick this week, punishment for going into the office last week. it wasn’t a particular tough sickness but because i’ve been being healthy it felt so unfair. normally when i get sick i’m like “yeah, that tracks” because my body is a satanic temple but this time it felt like there was no god. i spent the first few days of it accidentally working with the sick emoji status and texting people to ask them to pity me more. i made a tasty spicy spicy paneer tomato cream curry which partially fixed me, but the main pharmaceutical was pity. i can’t believe how little pity i received as i lay there DYING of an extremely mild flu that i was mostly able to work through and ignore. heartless bastards, every last all of you.

i’ve been making a bit of music with various swedish rectangles. been practising chord changes and scales on the keyboard like i did when i was a teenager to try and get more cozy with the keys so i can talk through it more like i can with a guitar. after the great success of「ANTICIPATION」 i am gazing doe-eyed into the imagined future where i lock myself away in some faraway hotel room with just the op-1 and perform the transmutation stella signata, lucifer, boiling milk + chrysopoeia.

on saturday i met a friend for her birthday. remembering christabel’s rule that “if you’re the birthday girl + someone doesn’t bring you a gift, that means they ARE the gift,” i brought nothing at all. it was a lovely time, we walked around in the freezing cold from lewisham to the heath and talked and talked and i drank a shot of tequila at the railway pub which was very loud and busy and christmas. on saturday evening i took a train to london bridge and met a couple of colleagues at the market porter where i drank 3 more shots of tequila. one of the colleagues invited us to hang out at their place and so we went back and we watched the movie wall street and i drank 3 or 4 sips of white wine and ate 5 nuts and two cheeses.

i’m experimenting now to see if it is possible to introduce some alcohol sometimes on special occasions without completely losing track of my otherwise strict health regiment. my limit is 4 shots of tequila OR 4 corona hard seltzers. if i find it making me lax i’ll have to cut it all the way out again, we’ll see.

Sunday i spent a warm and cozy morning resting. in the afternoon i went to greenwich market with a dear friend. we did a little shopping + had a fabulous turkish lunch. when the sun fell we crossed underground through a hole in the thames, and we walked a while along the river and we talked and talked before we parted ways and headed home.

i got a map of the world to stick on my wall. the listing said “huge” but i didn’t really consider that over 2 metres means it’s much longer than me.

It’s basically actual size.

extremely long

i just finished hanging it in the kitchen where it imposes itself upon me

now i can point at countries where war is about to break out while making eggs

and learn that these are all actually different countries???

merry crincemince it’s me caroline the christmas crow deer good tidings and happy hannakuh to my deerly behovèd friends and lovers

big week ahead:. dia de la virgen de guadalupe tuesday. acadian rememberance day on weds. die hard on thurs. and then the last day of chanukah.

every day i seem to become more annoying, yet i enjoy myself also more.

text me!