I've given up. I don't think I really have anything to say about this week. It was my birthday. It's nice now that Spring is here. I made it beyond 33 without being crucified; trying not to take that personally. The oldest existing book using metal movable type was printed in 1377 in Korea. The gas man came over and switched off my boiler for the weekend. I was meant to be going out to an event for my birthday, but I gave somebody else my ticket for their birthday. I'm thinking of spiralling into a depression and never recovering. I'm thinking about how unfair it is that I'm the eight of swords and how I didn't do anything to deserve this and how it's everybody's fault but mine. OK; it's time to empty the dishwasher and fill the dishwasher and vacuum the floors and steam the floors and empty the washing machine and fill the washing machine and fold the laundry and put it away and fold myself and put it away. I cannot imagine facing tomorrow. It's even more embarrassing because my life is objectively blessèd and wonderful.
I went to the rave, ñ and l and v and me got out on the balcony. I had a nice time. I only stayed for a short while, then i went to a very cute bar nearby and had an absinthe then walked the streets a while.
btw on world war 4, if you have the wikipedia page for ukraine open in another tab rn i do not need to hear from you
yo
is this anything?
I started the week in disappearance, destroy phase, out of space and time.
removed my avatar from apps, disappeared, left notifications unread, did not respond to extraofficial chat.
had to exit; felt unwelcome in my own body.
On Wednesday morning i received a message from somebody trying to make sure i wasn't feeling more than they wanted. I wasn't.
On Wednesday evening I went out. A girl kissed me up against a wire fence and told me that i was hot, "you are so hot" she said. it was great. i think it's the first time anyone's ever thought i was a girl, and also hot, and also kissed me, all at once. It was really nice, and it continues to be nice and is important to me. it was the first time somebody's kissed me for over a year. She later contacted me to make sure i wasn't feeling more than she wanted me to. I wasn't.
i typed everything up until and including this line just after my 10:22p.m. bath but before getting on Citymapper and figuring out how i'm meant to get to Vauxhall for the rave.
i'll soon be slipping my laptop in my new bright yellow unit portables laptop bag, drinking a quick coffee to try to counteract the two valiums i ate earlier to take the edge off the latte and 3 martinis i drank earlier. i'm hoping to come home kind of early this evening, like 5 or 6am, but we'll see. love you, wish me luck. btw i know i already mentioned this but i'm so cute ever since i got the bangs.
Okay, the rabbit 🐇 before expressed an interest in coming home a nice early 5 or 6am on Sunday. As we write, that very same rabbit 🐇 is sat in the back corner of the now defunct CREW ONLY area at 5:14p.m.
When the party (the one you were advertised on telegram) ends, something else is already there to take its place. DJs continue to play for hours and usually for days after the rave itself concludes. Originally at the same location; then a set of core stragglers will take a reduced soundsystem to another location and continue. Speakers, powers supplies, decks; these will be lost one by one: taken home by their sleepy owners until all that's left is someone playing their set with djay pro on a Thinkpad out of a bluetooth speaker from IKEA to the people they live with and the people who have nowhere else to go.
That something else is The Party, an eternal network woven into the fabric of society. Part of the fundament that allows things like Monday Morning Meetings to take place without people chewing their eyebrows off.
only at the party can your life so dramatically change every time you go to the toilet. most of the action and activity takes place in the stairwells and hallways. you'll always find me in the liminal spaces at raves.
because i've been rewatching old episodes of M*A*S*H all week, and because the peculiarities of the tranquilizer we use to get in touch with one another, all my thoughts of the party and the people in it are tied up with characters from the 4077. i keep answering questions in character as Hawkeye or Henry Blake, but nobody has noticed. even when i told that person was confusing everyone "hey maybe you oughta go out and come back in and try again, or better yet let's throw the whole party out and start from the beginning".
a new class of problems i didn't know I was going to start having once i started doing the bangs and lipstick and eyeliner and translucent powder: hot girl problems. somebody got tipsy and asked if they could kiss me. later they sobered up and remembered they were in a relationship and messaged me to apologize and inform me it would not be happening again.
a person with incredible bone structure at the party told me i am beautiful and asked if they could kiss me a little round the corner and i said "not right now" because i was too high
twice in 1 week since i took the bangs and lips for a spin somebody has asked for permission to kiss me. they are maybe too powerful.
i'm not trying to brag, i'm just trying to chronicle this curious new development brought on by my new make-up and hair style and brag about it. it's very exciting for a fat ugly little enby like me from a country without any lakes or snakes to suddenly be hot.
the acid washed denim jacket, silly t-shirt, over-sized orange sunglasses and green-black bang-framed face are really turning into an iconic look. hopefully i will be photographed soon by somebody from a magazine and killed shortly thereafter.
on Monday i had a new OP-1 delivered, but it was faulty so I sent it back. on Tuesday i had another delivered, its battery wasn't doing good so i performed the magical rite of draining it to 0 and refilling it to 100% and draining it again. it seems to have worked? i always thought that thing was a myth like salt.
all i need to do is write and write and write so i have enough to say when i open my mouth
something i believe about ketamine is that it is possible to use it to find a non-fatal way out of reality. it is one of the few navigational tools for reaching the spaces between the gaps.
all over the country and the world people are accessing the universal console and improving themselves and the lives of others. sometimes this process causes small items they had in their pockets (such as USB sticks or house keys) to be deleted or moved.
i met some important people this time, such as catgirl and jangles for whom i hope to play a kind of gertrude stein figure as they chronicle the party.
in an unusual turn of events, a middle-aged property manager at the bus stop invited me to come and watch a James Bond movie with her and a friend she has staying over. i’ve declined on the grounds of the promise i made to myself that i would get home before midnight.
that will be all for now
last sunday i recorded a song about owning a shiny 1st edition charizard then went to get my aiaiai headphones back from the NYE house.
everyone i spoke to seemed to have a hard Monday. i recorded another song. CORN is coming along well.
I went out on Tuesday evening and met some people from work for the first time, and some for the last time. the ones i'd only ever known through hangouts were not as tall as i expected. I got a call from Christabel and said "i have to take this" and then unexpectedly "it's the most important person in my life".
On Wednesday I dyed my hair black for my Kristen Pfaff costume for Christabel's birthday party. I gave myself bangs with the kitchen scissors. Plucked my eyebrows and waxed them for the first time in my life. I practiced grunge make-up so i could check what it looked like once i slept in it.
outfit
I remember that Thursday was a strangely dark, dark day. some good things came out of it. but it was one of the darkest saddest days of the year. i was almost scared.
On Friday evening i had a really long bath of epsom salts and foaming bubble bath then after that, to really carefully did my makeup with primer and smokey waterproof and soft kohl eyeliner, and red shadow and mascara and dark red lipstick and lots of translucent powder to make myself matte as can be then went to sleep wearing all that make-up for that genuine "i'm on heroin and forgot i had a show tonight" look
On Saturday I woke up and re-applied my make-up a little, and then went out into the world to purchase a few drinks and try to accustom myself to walking around in clothes and make-up more femme than i normally do before heading out in the full Kristen Pfaff on london public transport on a Saturday night. I sat on a bench and i called Dani for an hour to try and get her up off the kitchen floor, which worked but then after about 50 minutes i accidentally said something that made her lie down on the kitchen floor. real heroes journey hours.
After that I ate some chicken and coleslaw and packed on the translucent powder and brightened up the lips and packed all the stuff i'd need for the party (including TWO changes of clothes!!)
On Saturday evening I went on the train to Christabel's dressed in the full Kristen Pfaff which was scary and there was a little Occurrence but nothing worth talking too much about.
Christabel's party was a lovely time but it was a little busy and noisy for me at first, but it was lovely. I met some new people, and some people for a second time, and some people for a third time. I kept going into Christabel's room to sit alone, though eventually a lot of the party moved in there too. I gave her her gifts of 2 mix cds and a watercolour painting of a grendler.
the two mix cds and the grendler. i touched up grendler's teeth a little more after this.
i felt weirdly sad and distant the whole night, and kind of... i don't know. It was that classic rabbit 🐇 shit where i am just always somehow on my own in groups. Just always seem to be somehow on my own. I don't know. I remember in primary school I always had to sit at a table by myself, because if I sat beside people or in the group tables i would "talk too much". I was naturally social, but because of that I had to be on my own. I think that might have fucked me up.
I didn't sleep. In the morning people went out for breakfast, I joined them but i probably shouldn't have.
i'm considering making a disappearance.
i'm finally home. I'm going to disappear.
it's february!