Sunday, September 12, 2021

i never intended to write weeknotes
- i wanted to write a blog post every Sunday
  - so that at least once a week, i wrote something
- it was meant to be ideas like the founding of nintendo or posts about projects like today.snoot.club
- but then things got busy and weeknotes was easy to post every Sunday
- but it’s meant that i don’t post as often during the week, and i only ever capture things in my notebook during the week rather than on my website
  - that’s been good a veces, too, because in my notebook i can write whatever i think about something without checking if it’s what i really believe
    - i can make mistakes and try things out without thinking about my coworkers, my ex, my ex’s mother, and the complete strangers who came here from The website of Alice Bartlett
  - but i regret how it means i don’t post as often, saving things up for the weeknotes, and how it means i don’t working on longer posts containing actual prose
- another thing is i don’t post videos or images very often because i can’t figure out how to add alt text from the android app
  - i’m going to try to post and fix up later on computer
the first twelve days of September have been longer than the whole rest of the year
- and this hasn’t been a particularly easy year
- i’m working on something at work that is taking a lot of my energy
- then at nights i’ve been packing
i just got the keys yesterday to my new place, it’s great here.
- a pale slim ghost kindly rented a van and helped me move my millions of boxes today
  - i am so tired, my little feet, my little feet
first home cooked meal in my new home

it's an improvised curry i'm calling "chicken balti masala" because i didn't have any yoggy to do the tikkaing and i replaced most of the spices with my homemade balti mix lol. there's a tin of heinz cream of tomato in there

my todo list has manifested physically

a room filled with cardboard boxes and the natural light coming through the single large window — gotta unpack all this before ikea gets here. also my favourite sock pair of **monkeys on one foot, bananas on the other** has started to disintegrate.

i am so tired. i am having a nap, having a nap, having a nap.
i’ve been playing the guitar and keyboard and remembered that’s so much fun.
- excited to make new, less rigid, music
when i finally had the door closed and was alone in my new place, my whole body started cracking and crackling like a bowl of rice krispies. i can move, there is space to move
¿You ever admit something unexpected to yourself like “I love these monkey and banana socks”?
I forgot how hard it is to sleep in a new place for a big scaredy-rabbit like me
because nobody will ever see me naked again I will no longer shaving my legs above the knees
i hope you are having a nice weekend

Sunday, August 29, 2021

hello everybody! I hope you are having a good weekend, and had the opportunity earlier in the week to become “bank holiday ready”.

Last Wednesday I received an e-mail from a company asking me if I was Bank Holiday Ready I thought “that’s not a thing”. I received another, “are you bank holiday ready”, I wondered if it’s like HD Ready and there’s also a state of True Bank Holiday. Once I got 4 or 5 of them I really started to reckon with it: I may not be bank holiday ready, and maybe i should be buying ham, beer, a British Airways flight and a table at flat iron square.

I sobered up for a while. Let myself feel some feelings. Mostly it turned out to be anger. I wrote a lot, processed some things. I used to think the opening line from Elliott Smith’s Twilight (“I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time, better stop now before I start crying”) was needlessly melodramatic but it’s very tangible now. Any amount of laughter is likely to turn to sobbing. I deleted all my group and family accounts and subscriptions, packed some more, and viewed many more flats.

I’ve made an offer on an apartment near Blackheath. It’s very nice. Hopefully I get it, it’s currently waiting for a reference from my current landlord. It’s fun that my current landlord can stop me from getting another place to live.

Blackheath is lovely. Lots of trees.

I ate a haggis beef burger under a weeping willow on the Peckham Rye and like Blake saw a vision of angels.

I’ve watched about 11 movies this weekend. The best was Promising Young Woman.

but who do I text when I realize I’m the largest rabbit in the world?

Anyway, I’m over the first hump. I’ve accepted it, I can see it’s the best thing for the both of us. Feeling stronger every day.

prime feat

I’ve traced many of my problems back to a single prime fear: a fear of being made fun of, being wrong, being corrected; a fear of being tricked, being cheated on, being thought to be doing something embarrassing; a fear of getting caught thinking things are one way when they are another. Hard to exactly describe. It’s all of these, but there’s something else I can’t quite get my fingers around at its core. It’s the root of my anxiety, the root of my co-dependence.

What I figure though is, because they are all forms of one another, that could be helpful. Quite lucky in a way. Because hopefully if I work on one of its manifestations it will help with all of them, and make it easier to work on the others.

For instance, this evening I went to a pub. I got a pint of beer, and went to find somewhere to sit down. I wanted to sit in a booth seat, and I felt the distinct feeling:

I don’t know if I’m allowed to sit here
Maybe it is rude to sit here when it’s only me and this is a table that could sit 4 people

I felt the distinct feeling, “i should just not”. But this time I paused and addressed myself inside my head, and I said:

“Well, I probably am allowed to sit here (because it’s just a seat?). And it’s probably fine because the pub is not that busy. But also if I’m not allowed to sit here, the repercussions are that somebody will come and say something, and that is something I can handle”. I pushed through, and sat down in the booth.

Afterwards I went to the shop across the road and I was browsing the incense. I wanted to buy the one called “Opium” and I felt that distinct feeling, “maybe this is an embarrassing incense to buy because it is called ‘Opium’”.

I think I do this all the time? tiny little regulations by fear. I don’t even notice them. But it was on my mind, having had some success at the booth. My apartment smells really nice now.

A fortnight ago I attended a reggae night with some people I’d met at a rave. Towards the end of the evening I was sitting on a sofa in a dark alcove smoking a cigarette with a guy I’d met about 24 sleepless hours earlier, and he said to me “you doubt yourself too much”. Every day since I’ve thought about that. At first like “no i don’t”, but now I see he really fucking nailed it. I should buy him flowers.

August 22, 2021

sleepy
sleepy
finally watched Derry Girls. watched the whole thing in one day. then watched it all again.
it’s much easier to look after someone else than to look after me. making sure somebody else gets good sleep and has tasty healthy meals to eat means reaping the side benefits of healthy meals a sleep schedule. now i don’t have that, i’m up til 3am watching x-files and eating deliveroo
x-files is actually far too spooky for me, and leaves me in a spooked out place where i have to use the second lock on the front door. normally i only use that before i shower
when i’m alone and sad i watch a lot of tv lol
the new MST3k is great
i still haven’t bought shoes, it’s been 3 weeks now lol
i’ve just been packing packing packing and crying and crying
- starting to consider having someone take all the boxes to the dump instead
still have no idea what my life looks like 1 month from now
going to go and try to buy shoes today
sorry, i’ll be back to happy posting by the end of the year i promise

august sunday 15

i took 4 days holiday, but then i was sick all week, chest infection
saw a nice flat in sevenoaks, but i didn’t get it
went to a rave
went to a reggae night
i wish i wasn’t the kind of person that had to be proud to have done the dishes
but who will tuck me in and read me the winnie pooh
in season2 ep9 of sopranos pussy says “positive vibes only”
aj soprano, a youtuber, and meadow soprano have a podcast together

sunday, august 8th 2021

had a lovely lunch with alicebartlett.co.uk
did lots of viewings all week
got the second shot of the vaccine
- it beat me up, but less than last time
- but, i’ve recovered from the vaccine into having some kind of a cold? it sucks
i bought a portable cd player
- back in the day the big thing was 3-second anti-skip
  - this one has 40-second anti-skip!
  - it calls itself jogproof
- i went to the charity shop and bought every CD they have that i had any connection to
  - i have a pretty weird collection of albums now
  - eminem, bloodhound gang, shania twain, elliott smith,
i cooked abe a steak dinner on wednesday
- it made him very happy
i need to take a holiday
tried to watch Luca, but it was a movie about two people getting two know each other and that was too much and i had to go cry my eyes out on the sofa
had a nice coffee with abe on friday
went to a charity shop and dropped off some formerly cherished belongings

the wet ground with chunky fleshy berries red and yellow

I wish I was whatever animal eats these chunky berries. maybe a fox? or bodger
had a dream where i met somebody called Mippen
- their mother lived in the foreign ministry
- they took my coat home, with my passport in my pocket
- after the place crashed, they walked on their knees and drank from the river
Sevenoaks seems like a nice place to live
- it is an island, surrounded not by water but by the national trust
- there’s a station there called Bat & Ball
- there is a train that goes from Sevenoaks/Bat&Ball through Peckham all the way to Blackfriars. it takes about an hour
- the train has a declassified first class, and originates at sevenoaks. so you will nearly always get a little table and a place to plug in computer
- it’s quite cheap too, for somewhere well connected
i often feel like a dog that got into the school
i bought some superglue, on the back it says “if you need help: go to loctite.co.uk”
sat in a park singing along to my elliott smith cd, and text some people from back home to find out what the craic is
- everyone is older now
on saturday evening me and Abe went out and drank beers in a park and talked for hours, then we went to a bar and he lay down on my lap
this morning he left
i’m sick and really annoyed about it
anyway i’m going to visit loctite.co.uk

something new i do when i can’t sleep is i make chili. i have a hard time sleeping when i’m alone. does anybody want any chili?

Sunday, August 1, 2021

i can’t be fully honest about this week.

monday

got dumped
i announced it on here using the Instagram message weightlifter Rich Piana sent when he broke up with his wife Sara in 2016. with all the hashtags. one of which is #nolovelikedoglove
we got high
we watched Pi
we played Fortnite
i dyed my hair mermaid green

tuesday

had a call with simon legg
do i even stay in UK?
--- REDACTED ---
i wish i could just disappear
closed our joint account today. then we got high and held hands and listened to boards of canada.

wednesday

i said “i’m not sad” and cried in the park after we walked at night for an hour

thursday

keep doing big sad sighs
notebook contains things like this:
- “fake dumb stupid bitch, fake dumb stupid bitch, fake dumb stu”
- “i don’tknow what to do, i don’t know what to do, i do not know wh”
- “i’m online-dating a slenderman. i have a tinder date with a 400ft twink”
met a guy who ends every bad story with “just gets better don’t it?”
--- REDACTED ---
spent the night in an alley
staying up all night is bad

friday

nothing

saturday

i’ve been killed i’m dead now

sunday

getting my second shot of pfizer tomorrow
looking forward to going back to work
i cannot imagine ever enjoying anything again.
- i’m trying to just live my life and trust that it will get good again, that it won’t feel bad forever.
  - it’s hard to believe, but i remember it was hard to believe before